tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-283304652024-02-20T11:36:40.197-06:00ruthless trustnataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-40069397585303219422011-04-23T11:32:00.005-05:002011-04-23T11:44:52.166-05:00CommonplaceI'm holding out for what you ask<br />A simple kind of love I guess<br />It's commonplace but hard to see<br />We always think it looks like something else<br /><br />We celebrate your blood poured out<br />Your love that breaks this curse we bear<br />For troubled minds and heavy hearts<br />When all the other cures have failed we find...<br /><br />All this time<br />There is only<br />There is only You my Lord!<br />All this time<br />There is only<br />There is only You my Lord<br /><br />And though our hearts will wander far<br />There is no distance to compare<br />How far you go to bring us back<br />Oh Lord Your holy arm in sight you bear<br /><br />For all the earth to see and know<br />The salvation of Jesus Christ our Lord!<br /><br />All this time<br />There is only<br />There is only You my Lord!<br />All this time<br />There is only<br />There is only You my Lordnataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-42746098329371927892010-11-18T23:07:00.001-06:002010-11-18T23:09:20.377-06:00notes from my September week in ChicagoI love this wandering, nomadic lifestyle. I love Chicago. The L. My paisley coffee mug. Telling stories and sharing memories with old friends. Parks. Having time to finish books. Not knowing anyone for miles and yet never feeling alone. Dressing like a hipster in skinnies & plaid. Time in solitude then meals with friends. Riding bikes. The smoothness of road bikes. The wind in my hair. Nutella. Studying works of art. Feeling the expression of pictures. Attempting to accept modern art. Hoping people will mistake me for an artistic hipster, not a young financier. Dreaming of leaving finance. Straining and experimenting for that perfect shot. Couch surfing with old friends I haven't seen in years. Seeing people passionate and striving for something. Living out of a suitcase. Minimal stuff. Late night waiting for trains at abandoned stations in ‘bad neighborhoods’. Talking to people passionate about their careers. Talking to people idealistic and hopeful. Talking to people who haven’t bought the lie of American dreams. Books by the pound. Not understanding Bloomingdales ‘fashion’. Getting carded. Ordering an orange cane soda because I came on a bike with no ID. Workers blowing up a 2 story inflatable rat for a promo pause to fill up a biker’s low tire. A guy from Africa and I exchange cameras to take pictures of each other in front of the river. Memories float back of that cold February that Mom and I ventured to Chicago to retrieve my Chilean visa. Memories with BFFs wandering, attending concerts, dressing up, peeing on the river walk…Mere… Free wifi. Electrical outlets in open hotel bathrooms. Studying a German family with two beautiful daughters (my cousins??) enjoy their boat tour—as I vow to learn German from those CD’s I bought. Not working, not caring. Still getting paid. Eating ridiculous portions. Taking horrible pictures of myself on boat tour. Brainstorming ways I could practice my Spanish con más frequencía. Admiring details on office buildings. Undisturbed beaches with sturdy rocks for sitting. The movement of cities. Marveling at the bravery of bike riders in city traffic. Neighborhoods. Drinking a bottle of wine on a roof. Lake Shore Drive. Bakery indulgences. Mango bubble tea. Brainstorming new careers. Regretting not med schooling. Regretting not teaching. Regretting not going abroad. Regretting having to be regretful. Giving the finger to expectations and responsibilities. Projecting my own judgment on myself. Am I just coming into who I am? Porch gardens. Big old houses housing eight young people rejecting affluence. Christians heralding the end of Christiandom. Chatting with nonChristians who seem have a better grasp of what Jesus meant than many Christians I encounter. Baked Brie. Picking apples. Wine tastes. Live music. Wind farms in rural Illinois. The satisfaction that my cousin is dating the next Ira Glass of This American Life Fame. The fresh air of freedom. The freedom of fresh air.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-48034229236588885372010-05-31T11:55:00.004-05:002010-05-31T13:55:50.938-05:00http://bit.ly/8ZaLnb<br /><br /> Restlessness. <br />Wanderlust.<br /> Discontent. <br /> Wrestling. <br />Seeking. <br /> Faith. <br /><br />A scary combination. We'll see where I land. Abba..<br /><br />Pray for me. I'm getting too comfortable, too easily content. It's a scary prayer but please God... mess with me.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-78129710886355312932010-04-25T11:43:00.006-05:002010-04-27T22:25:20.028-05:00at the end <br />at the end of these long roads<br />we will gather<br />with our hands in the air<br /><br /><br />I need to be writing up pages of stuff for this consulting project and pulling together my power point. This class will be over in <1.5 weeks, for better or worse. I want to just throw it together but at the same time feel guilty because this is a real life small business that we are trying to save.<br /><br />I am graduating with my MBA in a couple weeks. Is this a joke? I guess not. I've spent like $30,000 and 3.5 years on it. Well, my company has paid for 45% and will pay up to 90% of it if I stick around long enough. I feel uncomfortable. Silly. Out of all there is to learn about in the world...an MBA??? I don't feel like I've learned much and am not interested in business. Weird.<br /><br />Looking back, I enjoyed researching and writing some of the papers that I did. My paper for my intro to legal & ethical business practices class, I thought, was poignant, well-researched, and top-notch (covering the Illegal Immigration divide. Maybe I'll post it here). I enjoyed researching my Global Business Environment paper, too, about the future of American economic dominance.<br /><br />Last May I spent two weeks in Spain taking a European Union Business Strategy course, which. was. awesome. A great time living in community like I was an undergrad again with 20 young MBA'ers from Loyola and SLU. I got to see all of the art and monuments and people and food and culture that I had learned of in my Spanish civilization capstone class in undergrad. I got to see in the flesh Goya's paintings that had given me goosebumps when I poured over their grainy copies in my textbook. I love Spain so much. It is such an amazing country- so diverse, separated into these distinct cultural regions with such rich history (also, a historical example of where Muslims, Jews, and Christians lived in peace for centuries). I yearn to live over there for a year or two.<br /><br />Marketing was one class I was dreading because of its endless promoting of consumerism and stuff. It turned out to be one of the best classes I took! Instead of a dry textbook we studied some of the best print advertising in the industry. Through the book "Hey Whipple, Squeeze This!" and creating our own advertising campaign, I loved living the depths of victory and despair that come with creative ideas. I fell in love with the challenge of combining vivid visuals with strong copy. We spent the last 15 minutes of each class watching... commercials! Some of the marketing for justice and social issues was so incredible. :Goosebumps: Plus, there were searching discussions facilitated by our fantastic professor about the real ethical questions of marketing. Thank God for some critical thinking!<br /><br />My derivatives class was very challenging. Even in the thick of it, I was only really understanding the large concepts. But you know what? Large concepts are what you remember for the rest of your life experience. (I am NOT saying that having some vague concepts are enough to go around creating and trading financial instruments, fyi!) Most of my financial and statistics classes were so concentrated in getting the right answer to these specific quantitative problems that I have no idea what the big picture idea was. This is the travesty of our multiple choice, emphasis on regurgitation for the test educational system. People get A's but have not learned a darned thing. We just cultivate a culture of "educated" ignorance. <br /><br />My derivatives teacher, Tom Miller, is a genius. If only these Wall Street executives had taken a derivatives class! (ha, no really..) Derivatives allow you to hedge against any liabilities and uncertainties and should lead to a more stable economy if used responsibly. Unfortunately our government has gotten out of the business of regulation. If our government has stripped away all of its regulatory authority and is too weak and ignorant to control or understand what these companies are up to, market externalities will destroy us. They have and they will again if we don't take them seriously. Remember the 1980s savings & loan crisis? It happened again (except hundreds of times worse) because financial regulation was not tightened. How many disasters will it take? We need protection by something that cannot be bought off! Alas, I'm afraid our government has assumed a position of enabler and cronie.<br /><br />Anyway, yes, derivatives are complex. Most of the problems in the world are. As Adam said yesterday, if it isn't understandable in a 10 second newsbite, America doesn't care and writes it off. I am scared of big business. Republican big interests have sold disgusting fear-mongoring tactics... and America has eaten it up in a *very* scary way.<br /><br />I will not get into my fears for a country that gives any weight to anything Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck utters.<br /><br />Finally, I took one class outside of the business school in the school of Public Policy! MAN, do I love those liberal arts classes, professors, and students. Talk about critical thinking! Do you think if we were better informed on how America works, maybe we would be better citizens, voters, and activists? Nah, who wants an informed populace? They are so hard to please, harder to fool, won't fall for propaganda as easily...<br /><br />I had some real big flops where I learned nothing and felt cheated out of money and time... Operations Management. Nuff said. <br /><br />I guess in writing this out, I have learned more than I thought. I am grateful for that. I am always thankful for an excuse to research, write, and inform. I would have loved to do a final project researching the merits of microfinancing in reducing world poverty rather than consulting for this small business. But education is ongoing. Travel, books, well-researched news (npr.org folks), documentaries, and just an awareness of the world go so far. <br /><br />As I finish up this graduate degree (now feeling a little more proud and grateful after taking the time to write it out), I hope to continue in pursuit and advocacy of meaningful education. School's out, the world awaits!<br /><br />As Missourian Mark Twain says, "I have never let schooling interfere with my education." <br /><br />Amen.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-69642363101584395052010-04-03T20:58:00.004-05:002010-04-22T18:03:57.240-05:00Psalm 13how long<br />O Lord<br />will you forget me<br />forever?<br /><br />how long<br />O Lord<br />will You hide Your face<br />from me?<br /><br />how long<br />will you leave me to my deeds?<br />look on me and answer<br />O my God<br /><br />give light to my eyes <br />or I will sleep in death<br /><br /><br />but i trust in Your <br />unfailing love<br />my heart rejoices <br />in Your salvation<br /><br />and i will sing<br />to the Lord<br />for He has been <br />good to me<br /><br />so good to menataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-54910099936162692632009-12-15T18:22:00.006-06:002009-12-15T21:57:05.910-06:00another semester doneYesterday I submitted a 19 page public policy paper finishing off my 6th semester of grad school. One more semester to go, plus an intersession class. Not bad.<br /><br />Work... ugg... don't want to talk about it... I can't wait for the day that I walk out the door for good. I don't know what I would rather be doing, but I have the feeling that any change would be good. I work so hard, am stressed, but regardless it seems it's never enough.<br /><br />Adam had an interview at Rosalind-Franklin in Chicago today. He loved the program. I hope they loved him, too! Dartmouth in New Hampshire or Chicago or New York... where will he be in July?? No one knows till Match Day!<br /><br />I am SO HAPPY TO BE AT HOME! I spent the entire evening at home last night. How long has it been? I am so happy to be done with class and school work to enjoy the season! Christmas parties, shopping, decorating, social events, cooking...!<br /><br />I'm off to the store to shop for the Neediest Families family that my work adopted. Pumped! And grab some groceries.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-13978585557784923662009-11-14T17:40:00.005-06:002009-11-14T17:54:32.117-06:00SaturdaysSaturdays (when I am in town) are my day. I revel in the freedom. In the sunshine.<br /><br />Even though I have a list of chores and errands and to-do's--I like that. Even though today I spent hours preparing a 40 minute public policy presentation for Monday. Just being at home in a day without restless obligation is so... nice.<br /><br />I slept in until 8... minus Josie, the kitty, banging on my door and meowing for attention...<br /><br />I didn't get around to going to the store or baking cookies or washing my grimy mirror or cleaning out the abyss that is the bathroom linen closet... but I did work on power point for an hour or two, then did 2 loads of laundry, worked another hour, then swept the hallway and bathroom, got distracted by facebook, and cleaned the mildew off of the shower curtain, powerpointed again... I enjoy this.<br /><br />I think I would like working part-time from home.<br /><br />Around noon Adam picked me up for "breakfast" at First Watch. We walked around Clayton in the warm sunshine before he had to head to work.<br /><br />Tonight I'm going to visit Rebecca's apartment before we see Charity and Luke play at a restaurant.<br /><br />I couldn't believe I had an entire day with no plans until 7pm. I'm not sure this has ever happened.<br /><br />I'm getting tired. Discontent. Apathetic. A week and a half ago I got really low. Completely burnt out. Tired of the obligation, the routine, craving something, anything <span style="font-style:italic;">different</span>. I didn't begin to really feel better until I began a 2 hour cleaning mission of Adam's apartment before our V for Vendetta party.<br /><br />Cleaning is so satisfying. I see immediate effects of my work and know the benefits. It is active, not just sitting in front of a computer like most work these days. It is tangible. I like it. Restoring living spaces.<br /><br />Restoration. In the land of the living.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-76947646883789054282009-07-06T18:45:00.005-05:002009-07-06T19:31:24.100-05:00"Curry home, dear!"Favorite new snack at work: a bowl of walnuts & cranberries.<br /><br />Tonight: fighting urge to go immediately to sleep after work in post-Cornerstone fatigue. <br /><br />Now am perfecting :my: curry sauce for :my: indian meal. Trader Joe's organic brown rice, TJ's tandori naan, Aldi meatballs, and a sauce of stewed tomatoes, canned mushrooms (a new addition for tonight!), minced garlic, a splash of crushed red pepper, and a dash of curry powder which I just bought at the spice shop at Soulard Farmer's Market. I'm a bit nervous about trying curry powder... I probably stayed on the conservative end of curry usage for fear of burning my tongue off.<br /><br />I am enjoying the occasional free summer evening to experiment in the kitchen. Very glad I dropped that class.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-86881320607577285102009-06-15T11:32:00.007-05:002009-06-15T12:20:53.279-05:00This past semester was brutal. Emotionally, spiritually, academically, professionally, physically.<br /><br />Taking six hours of grad school ontop of working full time nearly killed me. I went for weeks at a time without any free time alone. I agonized for over two months wandering through the darkness of severe depression and mental illness with a dear one. I've bumbled through another half year at a "good" job I don't care about. I failed at allowing sufficient time for friendship and family and at being vulnerable enough to allow community or show weakness- until it was absolutely necessary. I gained a pudge around my belly from being unable to find time to swim. I spent a surreal, whirlwind two weeks in Spain studying business in the EU, being away from it all, and wearing myself out.<br /><br />And I broke up with Dave.<br /><br />I'm not sure if I still can fully grasp how hard 2009 has been on me already. I'm not sure if I fully understand how tired I am. I'm not sure if I will ever know how acutely this experience has affected me.<br /><br />Yesterday I spent two hours talking with Adam. ha, when I met him a year ago, I doubt I could have ever imagined the serious, vulnerable conversation we had. I think I cried half the time. It's the first time I've really cried- I hadn't felt a need to yet. I thought I was happily moving on, but my tears reveal the painful places I have gone through to get here. He said he was so sorry that I had to go through this. And I sobbed. So few people know the extent of it. Thank you, Adam. He's good to me. He's going to be a good doctor, I know it.<br /><br />Since making the decision, I have felt so good. I have felt such a peaceful release that I have felt guilty. I feel happy again! I feel free; the world is mine! I know it was the right decision.<br /><br />But can't help feeling selfish. It does seem like an extremely selfish decision. But I know I can only be responsible for myself. I know I need someone who is as good for me as I for him. I know it was the right decision for me and that nothing healthy could happen between us the way it was. I exhausted myself. I guess I didn't set good boundaries, but what were my choices?? I had so much faith, hope, and love that it would all work out! So much faith in things yet unseen... and slowly this all dissolved, even as he improved. I don't know what happened to me. I think I just wore out. I had to detach myself to keep from falling apart. <br /><br />June. I have no class until June 29 (and maybe I'll drop it). I have no community group. I have no recurring commitments for three weeks! (besides... work. womp womp). <br /><br />I need to rest. I need to be alone. I need to journal my heart and mind out. I need to sit in prayer. I need to take walks. I need to cook quiet dinners in my bright kitchen. I need to inquire of God what He wants of me. I need to listen. I need to explore my strengths and weaknesses. I need to understand why I hide, why it is so damn hard for me to talk about myself. I need to rebuild some friendships. I need to paint a picture of the man I want to marry so I'll know him if I meet him. I need to sit in silence. I need to know myself. I need to ask the "what are You doing??" in the midst of my trials. I need to be able to say no, know my limits. I need to enjoy. I need to teach myself to rest. I just need to be.<em></em>nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-44175701205586428452009-04-04T16:21:00.005-05:002009-04-04T16:28:27.030-05:00My work is now 3.3 miles from my new home. Yay!<br /><br />My room is slowly coming together. Boxes of books and kitchen supplies are still floating around. This is probably the biggest room I have ever inhabited. My furniture is dwarfed in its bright cheery walls with two sides of windows. The brightness and sunshine feel good.<br /><br />This morning Dave, Gus, Rocky, and I took a 3.5 round trip walk to Walmart and back. My sedentary lifestyle is showing... I can feel it in my feet, legs, and back. How sad! But we are going to get in shape! I have printed out a "Couch to 5k" running and walking program for us.<br /><br />My two roommates and I are spending the warm, sunny afternoon tinkering around the house and napping. <br /><br />Perfect.<br /><br />Tonight Dave & I are getting dressed up to go out to eat. It's our 6 month-iversary!nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-38700833989605236582009-04-01T15:03:00.010-05:002009-04-01T15:26:50.186-05:00I move into a new apartment today!<br /><br />Can you believe I ended up living at home for a little over a year? Crazy how time passes. Living at home is a good life. Little responsibility, $FREE$, come & go.<br /><br />Unfortunately even though I live with my family I spend literally NO time with them. I feel bad about this. Somehow my relationships with them have gone down since living with them--and not from arguments or disagreements--simply I all did was sleep there. The problem with living so far away from where I work, church and school is that I leave at 7am and didn't return till 11pm. No familial contact. I hope that in moving out, I can go over on Saturday mornings or an evening for dinner. Call to chat. etc.<br /><br />I'm looking forward to living centrally to my life to have a base of operations and home to relax, cook, be organized. Living further away has added another pinch of craziness and disorganization and stress.<br /><br />Still trying to figure out a Sabbath. *shaking head* There is so much I have to do that I already don't have time to do!! Seek ye first... yeah... I hope my new living arrangement can add some more peace, free time, and organization to my life.<br /><br />I'll keep you posted!<br /><br /><em>Things I am looking forward to:</em><br />* cooking (I've been purusing allrecipes.com, have already made a grocery list, and am looking forward to planning menus for optimal health and budgeting!)<br />* entertaining<br />* living in community with some cool girls<br />*jogging (Dave & I are goign to start a "Couch to 5k" running & walking program next week)<br />* carving out a little bit of peace and quiet every day - to journal, pray, read the Word<br />* walking/riding my bike to grocery store, community group, Dave's, work, church<br />* having my own space to decorate, clean, BE<br />* getting all of my stuff organized, giving away/freecycling anything I don't use or wear!nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-7533563868967916552009-02-13T13:47:00.006-06:002009-02-18T14:28:00.124-06:00I got a vase filled with 6 red roses with baby's breath and ferns springing up around them. My Friday the 13th flowers :) There is one rose that is a good 4 inches taller than the rest. But the incongruity seems fitting. <br /><br />It has been a difficult month and a half. <br /><br />But. <br /><br />God is faithful. Even when we're not. I have watched God provide from his glorious riches and it has reminded me that when we are the weakest, His strength is most apparent. And He can be most glorified. You'd think He like plans it this way...<br /><br />I am exhausted but hanging on. Only by daily gifts and feeble attempts at prayer have I been able to be sustained. oh, grace. oh, come abide.<br /><br />I trust. I haven't cried so much... ever. I'm just so tired of fighting. Myself. The darkness. My vain ideas of the way this "should" be.<br /><br />And yet, this feeling of "the world ought not be like this!" "It's not supposed to be like this! I know it!" I find myself just praying for His Kingdom to come. Today. Through this. I pray for restoration! I pray for ::redemption::! For every tear to be wiped away, for every wrong to be righted.<br /><br />I don't understand the why. Who benefits from this useless suffering? Can't it be accomplished some other way? Why??<br /><br />I scream "just fix it! If you can, if you're able, do it! Restore! Give us back what has been taken!" Those philosophical debates on suffering never seemed close to me. Suddenly, life is flipped.<br /><br />Be not far off. <br />You are our only sustainer. Our only restorer.<br />Even when we can't believe it.<br />Forgive our unbelief.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-13065570146807227502009-01-28T13:47:00.012-06:002009-01-28T14:09:48.184-06:00Sometimes I feel so... restless. Disappointed. Frustrated.<br /><br />I look at my friends' blogs who are <a href="http://florycalavera.blogspot.com/"> writing for a newspaper in Chile</a><br /> or <a href="http://wecouldgrowuptogether.tumblr.com/">teaching English in Korea</a><br /> and I am so <em>desperate</em> to get away.<br /><br />The stories, the adventure, the travel, the people, the disappointments, the triumphs, the problem-solving, the language learning, the food...<br /><br />What am I doing? <br /><br />I have so many hopes and dreams -- why don't I at least follow one of them???<br /><br />Sometimes the tightness in my chest is overwhelming. I feel so stiffled. I can't explain it.<br /><br />I'm about to sign a year's lease. Why does this always happen? Why am I always caught in the middle of mediocre but never <em>happy?</em><br /><em></em><br />Then sometimes I look at friends' facebooks or blogs who are happily married with adorable children in a cozy home - I want that, too. <br /><br />But maybe. Not yet? I'm not as young as I used to be. Something has got to change.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-9622550066584933002009-01-27T21:17:00.004-06:002009-01-27T21:33:12.442-06:00My church is doing an intimidating series called "Rhythms: Restoring Everyday Spirituality." I can't tell you how much I love being led by these humble, wise, creative, honest elders.<br /><br />The most convicting sermon... the Sabbath. Wondering, have I <span style="font-style: italic;">ever</span> taken a sabbath?? :deep breath: I think I find a lot of worth in being busy, having things going on... I never want to feel like I am missing anything. But in doing this, I seem to be missing the point.<br /><br />What quality of life am I living if I don't have time for reflection, worship, beauty, solitude, prayer, lazy laughter? What about a deep, meaningful life in which I suck the marrow out of each moment- instead of the rush, the obligation, <span style="font-style: italic;">the exhaustion</span>. What is life if not obligation?<br /><br />I'm still trying to figure out the practical HOW of learning to rest and WHAT exactly a life practicing more rest would look like. <br /><br />First, I am struggling to expel feelings of guilt. From sitting and pondering a good song, reading a book, tilting back my head to feel the snowflakes, sitting and talking with my parents, writing my thoughts/doodling, having a decent phone conversation--without multi-tasking! Oh the struggle to be fully present in our culture! To pitch a tent in the NOW and HERE (which put together = NOWHERE) (from Brennan Manning's masterful book "Ruthless Trust").<br /><br />The now and here is the only place we can experience God. "We only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere" John Dalrymple, in this past week's sermon on prayer.<br /><br />It must start in the here and now.<br /><br /><br />Listening: Jon Foreman<br />Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer EPs = some of the best music to get stuck in my heart in a while.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-73735777098943425082009-01-26T22:04:00.004-06:002009-01-26T22:18:12.961-06:00I just need to get into a groove. <br /><br />Writing observations, thoughts, stories, dreams, goals.<br /><br />I just need to hit a groove.<br /><br /><br />listening to: leith & kindsay. <br />Love those guys. Such harmonies. <br />Sounds like: a marriage.<br />Love it.<br /><br /><br />I bought a 2009 moleskine with a page for each of the 365 days. It is supposed to give me motivation to write daily. I love writing, documenting, expressing... usually lack the time, energy and reflective attitude. It's exciting thinking about what these pages will be filled with in the coming year. oh, the expectation. I hope for more laughter than tears. But as Job says "should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”<br /><br />blessed be the name. teach me to truly worship.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-2793567619661220162008-08-18T19:50:00.007-05:002008-09-08T22:12:45.108-05:00running with martyrs & thievesYesterday morning I went for a run before church. It's happening people... there is something strangely addicting about it...running. <br /><br />I will still maintain that I hate running--it's a horrible feeling feeling so horrible. And yet, the past month as I have been training for my triathlon, dragging myself out of bed at 6:30 in the morning, sweating as soon as I open the door, so flushed that the redness hangs in my cheeks as I enter the office an hour later--little by little I began to strangely enjoy it. In the past when I got uncommonly motivated once a year or so to go for a jog, I would return defeated, writing it off as an inhumane form of exercise for another year. Having a specific goal in mind was extremely necessary for me to face the Evil of Running. Plus, it is one of the very few times I am alone, concentrating on only one thing, and even listening to good music... a quiet pleasure I rarely have time to indulge.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sunday's playlist:</span><br />Love is Not Against the Law, Derek Webb<br />Love Song, Anberlin<br />Love Song, Sara Bareilles<br />Love Song for No One, John Mayer<br />Low, Coldplay<br />Lunacy, Rue Royale<br />Martyrs and Thieves, Jennifer Knapp<br />Mockingbird, Derek Webb<br /><br />Man, I have such good music. As you can see, I listen to them alphabetically by title because I haven't taken the time to figure out if my mp3 player has a random setting.<br /><br />The day's most poignant song: Martyrs & Thieves. J-Knapp rocks my face off, like for real. I want to be like her, but my guitar skills are so sub-par. I wish I could express myself as well as she... these lyrics... paint my heart... each verse... find it & listen to it. Let it sink in.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">martyrs & thieves, jennifer knapp</span><br /><br />There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to<br />It presses harsh hope against time<br />In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves<br />Who only want to rob you blind <br />They steal away any sense of peace <br />Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees<br />And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong<br />As the darkness covers me<br /><br />So turn on the light and reveal all the glory<br />I am not afraid<br />To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness<br />I have a kingdom to gain <br />Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light<br />Oh I am not afraid <br />To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life<br />Oh I am...<br /><br />There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul<br />Than I thought I had given away<br />They linger in closets and under my bed<br />And in pictures less proudly displayed<br />A great fool in my life I have been<br />Have squandered till pallid and thin<br />Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame<br />For the darkness I know I've let win<br /><br />Can you hear me?<br /><br />Well I've never been much for the baring of soul<br />In the presence of any man<br />I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure<br />In the arms of a sinner I am<br />Could it be that my worth should depend<br />By the crimson stained grace on a hand<br />And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will<br />To reveal all of You that I can<br /><br />There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to<br />It presses harsh hope against time...nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-27672407869075640502008-07-14T14:05:00.008-05:002008-07-16T18:30:04.514-05:00Natalia la ExploradoraI rode my bike on this cool trail last night as the sun was setting. I even put on my helmet, though I felt like a goober, because I thought it may get wild. Indeed, it did.<br /><br />I took off down Teson, cut through White Birch Estates which backs up to Truman Park, and took the paved trail to the end where it diverges into three dirt paths overlooking the Missouri river bottom. I reached the top of the hill where the pavement ends and dirt begins and slammed on my breaks! Maybe 15 feet from me was this huge doe hanging out on the trail. After staring at each other for 20 seconds, she decided I was harmless and started sniffing around. I was like "Excuse me, but I was going to take that dirt trail..." and began rolling towards her. She jetted off the path. I cautiously began rolling down the narrowed path. I'd seen the damage deer can do to cars--imagine if she freaked out an knocked me off my bike?!<br /><br />I continued on, gaining speed, took this bumpy trail through spiderwebs, brambles, over fallen logs, through mud, twisting and turning... there were various trails coming and going so I just took them at random without a clue where I was or where I was going. That sense of adventure and pursuit of the unknown is one of my favorite things in life. Call me Dora la Exploradora.<br /><br />All of a sudden I came upon an open clearing, full of super tall prairie grass (no idea where I was) and there was the doe was bounding next to me again! It almost felt like a dream sequence. I stopped and talked to her a few seconds when she stopped to nose at something. I pushed on into the dark canopy... after exploring a few more winding trails at random, I got spit out at the back of Riverwood Estates subdivision. I reluctantly left my jungle trail and began my suburban ride-- including a 1/2 mile huge hill-- whew! I rode the couple miles back through another park and sat on the playground to reply to a text as dusk approached. Suddenly my parents and our neighbors appear on their evening walk. I wave and say "hey! Hey guys!" they give me a nervous wave and muster an uninterested "hi". As they walk away I realize they haven't recognized me! I yell, "I'm your daughter!!!!" but they don't hear me. So that was weird.<br /><br />I used gmaps to try to estimate how far it was, but none of the jungle-like winding dirt trails are on there. I'm thinking maybe 6 miles. Yay!<br /><br />Saturday I looking forward to biking 7 miles to the community center, swimming 1 hour, then biking 7 miles home to (hopefully be able to force myself to) run my regular 2 mile route-- but the pool was closed for cleaning so I did NONE of the above. Sigh! The triathlon is less than a month away! I need to up my running another mile consistently and get used to that.<br /><br />Gah, I hate running.<br /><br />But an adventurous ride through the jungles of Hazelwood, Missouri, now that's another story....nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-31855130993295719622008-05-15T22:46:00.007-05:002008-06-28T08:05:14.052-05:00excerptsMy blog buddies, it has been some time! I didn't know where to begin and just got overwhelmed. I thought maybe I would share some excerpts from my handwritten journal. They may seem random...<br /><br />Feb 3<br />Psalm 1 v3: (S)he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. I have always like the symbolism here comparing a righteous person to a thriving tree dependent and interconnected with its source of all life. Today the fact that such a tree 'yields fruit in its season' struck me. Probably because the theme of trust and waiting are so resonant in my churning, spinning life. I have been learning to desire to walk in the Spirit, to somehow be active yet not controlling. To allow the seasons and circumstances to come and to hold onto my plans and decisions very lightly. I don't have to rush winter (as if I can control that anyway!) with my desire to get to the gifts of spring--God will sustain!<br /><br />Feb 4<br />I was hit today with a thought--what if my all my circumstances truly were circumstantial? What if I could stop obsessing over where I am supposed to be and just be? I am so conflicted, pulled by dreams and desires. If nothing in my life ever changes, could I be truly content w/God? So much is defined of me by what I DO. But the BEING...who do I want to be? Remind me, it is the process, the drawing near, the seeking... Lord, may I not seek the right choice, but You. Forgive my short-sightedness.<br /><br />Feb 11<br />I saw a church sign today that read "If God guides, God will provide." It got me wondering, is the converse (would it be the converse statement?? Forgotten geometry proof terms...) true? If God provides (a houses, new job, etc) does that necessarily mean that He is guiding?<br /><br />Feb 16<br />Why am I so weak? God, I trust you are working me out, sanctifying, preparing, maturing me into real relationships w/all people. I need the Holy Spirit to wash over me & bring me into all truth, to help me withstand he temptation to take the easy, non-confrontive, non-investing, non-vulnerable way out. ... forgive my mistakes...we didn't have a chance. It's over and I don't necessarily want a 2nd chance--I just want movement, I want to continue on this journey, I want to press on to take hold of all You have ahead of me. Remind me of the beauty, grace & persevering test of the promise. ***Your plans prevail; I can move in a smothering blanket of provision. Live, breathe, love <span style="font-style: italic;">deeply.</span>***<br /><br />Feb 18<br />Read "Perks of Being a Wallflower". Highly recommend it.<br />::infinite::<br />"We accept the love we think we deserve."<br />"I'd die for you, but I won't live for you."<br /><br />Feb 18<br />BFF Weekend was great. I love these girls. I love their beauty, humor, passions, unconditionality, artistic flair, indy-ness, spirituality, deepness. ... Some of the picture of my new life in Tacoma is just these things. Seeking depth, beauty, art. Sure, I can do those things here, practicality begs to remind me. But...I feel a need to break, a definite beginning/end, a chance, something to look back on even if it turns out to be a mistake, that at least I went, I risked, I pushed myself, I moved, I lived. :shrug: I feel my concentration on job, degrees, 'success', math & science, business has stunted my passions, inclinations, artistry, those things that make life worthwhile.<br /><br />coffee drinker<br />book of poetry, verses, quotes<br />reading...the classics<br />thrifting, clothes swaps - no retail?<br />rain boots<br />cooking for people<br />music_rue royale<br />relationships - go! honesty, communication<br />mornings w/God, invitation to life<br />honesty>>poignant Q's>>truth<br />mini-canvases<br />piano/guitar<br />visit Linny & Keith<br />beauty_art_dress<br />postcards, gifts, clothes<br /><br />Feb 20<br />He [is] restoring my heart happier, stronger than ever. Growing my relations w/others, drawing near to Him, clearing the way to my hopes & dreams, inspiring my heart, showing my weakness...the Holy Spirit is at work. And I rejoice!<br /><br />Feb 23<br />My parents--so good & supportive whatever my decision. They want me to fly & be so happy. They are great people. ...<br />I attended the Perks of Being a Wallflower book club at the Journey. I shared the least in the group, but did well for me. May I con't to face my insecurities, take risks necessary to grow. Thanks for the road You have me on.<br /><br />Mar 1<br />"Forgiveness" without talking, working through... that's not forgiveness. There is no restoration or reconciliation in that.<br /><br />Mar 9<br />The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Joshua<br />"Humble leaders know their role. Not driven by ambition to be somewhere/someone that you're not. Caleb knew what God had called him to." This is conflicting me. I want to be content in my situation, working & loving where I am. Yet I want to know what God has called me to. I want to try something new. I want everything and yet nothing. From the women's retreat: What if God is calling you to a life <span style="font-style: italic;">smaller</span> than you imagined? Where is my contentment?<br /><br />"Moving home is not a step back." Thank you, Janice from community group. I need assurance. We're moving out of our apartment and it's very sad. I grew to love this place.<br /><br />Mar 13<br />I want him to know Your ways & Your truth & the light of Your face. I am still learning so much and leaning on Your daily bread. May I share all I've got.<br /><br />Was there any good? Where did the good go??? [Tegan & Sara]<br /><br />Mar 23<br />3 days off...too delicious. Last weekend Jen & I moved out of the Pavilion. As we moved the last box,her dad called saying the house had just sold. And the whirlwind of confusion, decisions continues.<br /><br />Mar 30<br />The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Gideon<br />"Who am I?"<br />1.) go to God; Gideon renamed by God "Mighty Man of God"<br />2.) go to others; what your community sees in you. "Let Baal contend against him"<br />Marinate in the Word like a BBQ sauce.<br /><br />April 7<br />Natalie is grateful. It was a wonderful weekend!<br />song: Watermark "A Grateful People".<br /><br />April 13<br />spineless... hurt pride and confusion as to who that even is.<br />God, I just want to cling to You and have You make it all better. How my soul longs for its rest in You.<br /><br />April 16<br />Psalm 24: Who will ascend the holy hill? Who will stand in the holy place? The one who does not lift up her soul to what is false.<br /><br />God, I confess how much and how consistently I lift up my soul to what is false. Oh, how I seek affirmation, contentedness, joy in all places but give You a perfunctory nod of recognition.<br /><br />In the presence of a thousand kings are You my one desire?<br /><br />...these things won't bind up my heart and I refuse to lift my heart. Guide me today.<br /><br />April 17<br />Defeated. How much more introverted can I be? I hate that 'I' [of INFJ]. I hate this wretched state I am in. How long? How long O Lord? When will I be able to express myself like an adult? I want the finished product. How do all of my complexities and contradictions fit together? God, I feel I'm living in a state of out of control. There is a strange peace in that. I am being vulnerable, letting people in, risking public knowledge of my failure but I covet their prayers & encouragement.<br /><br />April 20<br />The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: David<br />Sometimes God's judgment is giving us what we want.<br />David becomes king, is blessed greatly...this can be a very dangerous season for most people.<br />May the SIN be more odious than the consequence.<br />The Holy Spirit is lazer-like, specific.<br /><br />May 4<br />Despite [my comment], doors have been opened to communication, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness, reconciliation. The snarky comment was childish, but if it brought this about, so be it.<br /><br />Friday i drove to Macomb for a great weekend visit. Hilariousness. At L&K's we worshipped God for an hour or so. Simply incredible.<br /><br />[His] comment about me being 25 (which I'm not) so I should know what to do w/my life by now. Are you serious?? I'm sorry I didn't marry & follow a husband? I'll never recant. Feminist or otherwise.<br /><br />For some reason...being w/Linny wants me to live deeper. I want to pray, write, create, capture, journal. I am so blessed she is in my life. I truly mean that. I wish I could be a better friend to her.<br /><br />I prayed most of the time on the Eldred Blacktop. God, I need Jesus so much. I want movement in so many areas. But esp. by the spirit. Your nearness is to me my good.<br /><br />May 6<br />I hate this. I do not want to react like this. It's unintentional, detestable to me. Be gone. Why did I ever say hi...<br /><br />II Cor 3:12-18 Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Pervade the porousness of my heart. Bring Your freedom. Bring Your healing. Bring Your transforming power. There is nothing I have felt more strongly. It's You I want. I don't want half-healing thru hiding, burying my feelings, or temporary relief thru a change of job or living situation, or temporary satisfaction in a boy interest, no matter how 'perfect' for me. Even if it's "him" -- the best yet providing much sanctification, happiness, growth-- God I want You first, so much more. I trust who You are. I ruthlessly trust. May I reflect you. May I defend him. May I be upfront about my failings. Let my pride fall. Let me in some way point to your glory. He left indelible imprints on me--for good and for bad. Because sanctification comes thru people & working it out. Because I have so much to learn & confess. Because I want to reflect Your character of reconciliation, peace-making. God, teach me how to forgive from the heart.<br /><br />[[[[[[[[And He died that we may live<br />and He lives that we may die<br />to our idols, to our sins, and to ourselves]]]]]<br />"That We Might Live"<br /><br />May 9<br />Tonight we saw Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken. It was incredible. They are so adorable, not sick/sweet, both very real, independent, beautiful, and in love. I pray I never become a bitter single. No rush. I see what I want, I don't fear. I was blown away at how he brought such truth so articulately-- things I have thought but could not express fully. yes yes yes! A holistic gospel. Anything else makes us seem "arrogant, two-dimensional, irrelevant."<br />I need to find a video of his 5 minute talk----WOW! I love Derek Webb!<br /><br />May 22<br />Could I work for the International Justice Mission?<br /><br />May 23<br />Soundtrack to my life: A Fine Frenzy<br />Missouri is beautiful. Word. Why do train conductors still wear silly uniforms & hats?<br /><br />[[making the best of it<br />playing the cards you get<br />you're not alone in this<br />there's hope for the hopeless]]<br /><br />It's hard to be at this point. Wanting to make plans, but yet holding them loosely in case I get word to uproot and replant. I have no doubt I would go if the right opportunity comes. LORD, I am trusting You. It's like I leave or I become a permanent resident at my parents' while I wait for something that will never come. Terrifying. Move Me. Move this heart. Have your way w/me. Heal me whole, concerned w/your opinion only.<br /><br />May 26<br />Maybe I should look into moving to South America again. Maybe I'm just trying to be too responsible. Maybe Hannah E. would come w/me. It's not an escape but a little journey on. ?Que dices Tu? Padre Santo, muestrame.<br /><br />"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem" MLK<br /><br />Looking at the cows in the field rushing past...I wonder if my spirit would be content to be a cow grazing in one pasture my entire life. Well, I reasoned, yeah, it's clear that's what I was made for. I wouldn't fight it. Ok. I think I'd be content in investments if in the same way I knew I was born to be there. But I don't. Know, that is. If I don't know that I am meant to be in this pasture, how can I be content there until I find out?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">God, if I truly sought You, what would I find?</span> Be still. Get down on Your knees. Ask for wisdom. Taste and see. Wait.<br /><br />May 27<br />[[I get a restless feeling in my bones<br />and I know<br />that at times it just won't go away<br />restless tonight]]<br />Allison Krause, Restless<br /><br />Lord, I rest my restlessness in You. Or at least attempt to.<br /><br />June 1<br />The Journey: Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Jeremiah<br />"All life is repentance." Martin Luther<br />*synchrotist=flow in cultural current where ever it takes<br />*separatist=separate from culture, avoid involvement for fear of corruption<br />***oh to hang in the sweet balance<br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Ruthless Trust</span> by Brennan Manning<br />"the inescapable narcissism of consciousness"<br />"Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life"<br />"To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Nowhere. It is an act of radical trust--trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place <span style="font-style: italic;">than the present moment"</span><br />--This book is speaking deeply to my soul. Chapter after chapter.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-29691500281074948632007-11-13T11:49:00.000-06:002007-11-20T14:20:28.313-06:00back in the saddleJen & I had a great time in Beantown. I was glad she was with me since Matt had class and worked all day Thursday and most of the day Friday. It was pretty cold--we were always bundled up in heavy coats, gloves, hats, scarves. We took the T (Boston's public transportation system) everywhere.<br /><br />We did the Freedom Trail (with a stop in the North end near Paul Revere's house in Little Italy. Point of notice: the Freedom Trail seems much better with half a bottle of wine in you...). At the end we took a water ferry instead of walking back across the bridge- so cool! For dinner we met my friend, Joyce, whom I studied abroad with, who now attends grad school at Tufts in Davis Square. We got coffee and then went back to her place for more hang outs.<br /><br />Friday Jen & I took the Unofficial Hahvahd Tour, which is great. Then we met Matt at Bartley's for the best burgers in Boston. Jen & I played in those beautiful New England leaves in JFK memorial park in front of the Charles River where we even saw a rower in this chilly weather! *picturesque* We took the T to Fenway and walked around it then met Matt in Chinatown. We had some <em>delicious</em> food... including an Indian pancake w/yummy sauce. That night we stopped by Kick Ass Cupcakes, which had just opened. They were fine, but probably not worth $2.75/regular size (aka: tiny)cupcake. Mine was flavored mojito!<br /><br />Saturday we got a huge breakfast at the Family Restaurant in Matt's closest square, Union Square. Then we began our journey to the JFK museum and presidential library. Well, we took the T and after walking several miles to the end of a bay behind UMass, but still following the signs to the museum, I finally asked a UMass student. She told me to get on the shuttle! That was a long, cold walk, but I'd say it was worth it. I had never been to a presidential library before, but I think I'd like to see more if I'm somewhere near one. For the trip back, we definitely waited for the shuttle, thank goodness.<br /><br />Sunday we went to a church Matt has been going to a few times. We met a guy who Jen had met at Mizzou, and with whom Matt went to Walden's Pond when their mutual friend was in town a few months ago! Weird! The church was great - I really enjoyed it.<br /><br />The message was on Ecclesiastes 7, which was fantastic, full of seeming contradiction, yet so full of wisdom. Sorrow is better than laughter... you never reconsider and reassess your life when things are going well. We need those times to force us to reflect and go deeper, to really consider where we are and what we're doing. Like CS Lewis says (paraphrased), "God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts at us through our pain. Pain is God's megaphone for a deaf heart." Empty laughter is meaningless; our conversations need to go deeper and bring up painful things if neccessary. "Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient spirit is better than the proud spirit" & "Say not 'why were the former days not better than these?' ": it is so easy to compare the 'good old days' with now and be depressed or feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Things change, and though outwardly things may appear worse, these are the times when you are living with depth and working through big things. I think this period of life is called your twenties. Before this, everything was kind of carefree, decided for you. Also, it's easy to be this way about romantic relationships--<em>oh, for those days when we were first together!! </em>But that is infatuation, not love. Love rides out the hard parts and works through the rough edges of the girl and guy. It's a process of sanctification. God is going to bring you to completion! Patience... It's a grueling marathon, but imagine the joy and victory of the finish line. And finally, don't harbor anger. It lodges in your heart. Sometimes you need time to realize the argument wasn't a big deal. But, that is not an excuse to ignore or run from problems.<br /><br />This passage and sermon spoke to Matt and I at nearly every turn. Sunday night after walking through Boston Public Gardens, looking around cool shops, eating a hotdog and fried dough from a vendor in the park, and then eating a delicious meal at a Peruvian restaurant, Matt & I sat down at a coffee shop in Union Square and delved into many issues. I cried a lot. We affirmed our love for one another, let our emotions, anger, and confusion show, and made a commitment to work. Many of our relational problems are linked to our personal personality traits and sin problems. We can both be so alike, which is not necessarily a good thing. We tend to go passive-aggressive, to be independent and tending to draw into ourselves, to throw things when we get off the phone, to not allow our emotions to show, to not open ourselves up and work through problems... and for what reason??? We have both been deceived into thinking this is easier, but oh, how it grows. And how it weighs! We aren't sure how to "fix" us... but we are praying and seeking God to move in each of us individually which will make needed changes between us relationally. We need to get down to the heart of the matter which can lead back to those awesome lessons on idols at the Journey. I want to have this free, open, vulnerable, say anything, wear myself on my sleeve, I know everything about you and you about me kind of relationship with him. I want us to work. I want us to fall in love again. We are at the end of ourselves, so maybe we will finally give God a chance to work and have His way with us.<br /><br />Regardless, He is going to work. And so blessed be His name.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-78390602308413482832007-10-31T10:46:00.000-05:002007-10-31T11:10:24.208-05:00"She said, I think I'll go to Boston..."Jennifer and I are going to Boston next weekend! A little last minute, yes. Jen has next week off of work and wants desperately to get out of here. She said she'd love to explore the city and see Matt... and I said, well, sure!<br /><br />We're leaving Wednesday night after I get off of work and will fly back early Monday morning so I can work all day and then go to class.<br /><br />I will have to work my tail off for the next week to get everything done; it's not the best time of the month for me to get away.<br /><br />On that note, back to work I go!nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-35016894449081199892007-10-24T10:31:00.000-05:002007-10-24T16:07:49.861-05:00Welcome Chuck, Welcome all!Well, I semi-officially took my new blog public. Without much fanfare, I posted it as my website on F<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">acebook</span></span></span></span> and made (probably) a final X<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">anga</span></span></span></span> entry with the web address posted.<br /><br />I have enjoyed the anonymity here, but I do want to open it up to more people. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Xanga</span></span></span> was weirding me out by the number of kind-of-friends that were there and the concept of audience was stifling me. It's still a struggle here, especially as more people read it but I decided I had to make a break from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Xanga</span></span>... I have good memories there and I still go to check my subscriptions -- I enjoy that feature. I am still struggling to find a balance of what's-going-on-type updates vs. what's-going-on-inside-of-me posts. Anyone else with struggles of audience pleasing or advice on blog purpose?<br /><br />I am trying to figure out "feeds" to keep up with my friends in all of the blog arenas. But I am pretty much only online at work (at home the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer - gag!) and our browsers here don't support feeds. So, I am working to get a comprehensive list under my "links" section to find my friends' updates.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">btw</span></span>, I heart updates! After working intently for several hours, I am thirsty for human contact! An email, a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">facebook</span></span> (I'm making that a verb), or a blog update is a joyous occasion! Also, please comment--whether I know you in real life or not. It will make this less of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">soliloquy</span> and more of a community process/conversation. Not sure-- I'm still not clear on the purpose of this guy...<br /><br />Inspired by our last weekend together, Lindsay is hopefully going to create a community blog for our spiritual family to keep in touch and share what is happening inside of us, through us, and around us. Despite the distance between us, hopefully we can experience community and share and grow!<br /><br />~*~*~*~*~*<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Um, I'm a little loopy. I just had a feeling that my legs are disconnected from my body. When I got lunch, I thought I may be floating on the stairs. I think this is caused by a combo of a few medicines and my body trying to fight off a cold (my roommate has laryngitis and I'm a bit weary...) I hope this does not affect my performance at work as I handle millions of dollars today... ha! :-/ </span>nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-54665792510022002162007-10-19T10:26:00.001-05:002007-10-19T11:08:02.857-05:00Hazelhood WestI heard on the radio this morning that tonight's Hazelwood West homecoming bonfire and pep rally have been cancelled due to adminstrative concerns over gang violence. How sad. This is just another reminder of a downward spiral that Hazelwood is in.<br /><br />This school year has supposedly been an administrative nightmare for everyone involved. Hazelwood opened four new middle schools to ease overcrowding, but no new high school, especially up north with all of the new housing developments. Boundry lines were (seemingly arbitarily) redrawn and kids suddenly were pushed into new schools. Literally one side of my street goes to one elementary school and the other half goes to another. My neighbor, a 5th grader, was assigned to a new elementary school her last year before middle school. The busses STILL are not running on time. Kids are a half hour late to school everyday because they can't get it figured out. They pushed the middle school start time up to 7:15am to try to get high school bus routes back ontime. So 11 year old kids will be waiting for the bus at 6am.... in the dark.<br /><br />A neighbor kid sat in an AP Chemistry class for three days in August without a teacher. Finally they figured it out: <em>they didn't hire one</em>. Oh, darn it... The kids' schedules were all screwed up--they were missing classes or lunches or one kid had three lunch periods or some peoples' schedules were completely blank!<br /><br />Plus, the phone systems aren't working in the schools. Earlier in the year, there was a bomb threat so everything was under lockdown, school was released early.... and no parents could call into the school to see if everything was OK. Whoops, we never got those phones hooked up, did we? How important is communication, especially between parents and schools?? I guess not very. Oh, and there are major textbook shortages.<br /><br />One good thing: there are actually people showing up to the school board meetings. The last meeting ran from 7pm to midnight because there was so much disgust and so many complaints from over 400 teachers, parents, bus drivers, and students. Hopefully this will be the kick to wake up the public to vote out the corrupt-beyond-all-belief-union-controlled school board driving Hazelwood, the 2nd biggest district in St. Louis county, straight into the ground.<br /><br />My heart is literally heavy to hear about all of waste, corruption, apathy, laziness, lack of organization, etc. so laden in our schools... kids literally don't have a chance. And I am talking about a county school. I haven't even mentioned the St. Louis City school problem (officially unaccredited and taken over by the state this year). I hope that Hazelwood can receive a change of leadership and change of heart and mind to keep us from going down the same path...<br /><br />Things like this boil my blood... and crush my spirit... like nothing else.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://hazelwood-bridgetonjournal.stltoday.com/articles/2007/10/09/news/sj2tn20071009-1010flo_haz2_1.ii1.txt"></a>nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-63294585757732129592007-09-30T17:04:00.001-05:002007-09-30T17:06:08.642-05:00OMGShane Claiborne is coming to speak at my church.<br /><br />Saturday October 13, 2007. 7pm.<br /><br />Come!!!nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-79049207439310141642007-09-30T00:09:00.000-05:002007-09-30T00:37:50.414-05:00la di daHappy birthday to Matt! He's 24... quite the old man.<br /><br />Work is exploding again... ay yi yi. I'm already behind for the first day of the month on Monday. I'll just push through and work strong and steady. For 12 hours. Wait. Can't do that. I have class Monday night at 6pm. :-/<br /><br />I hope my friend, Beth, gets called back for another interview with my company. That'd be so swell!<br /><br />Friday night I worked till about 7pm and met up with my roommie, Jen, at her high school alma mater's homecoming game. I love fall and football!!! High school - what a strange time and place.<br /><br />I love Saturdays. I love the freedom of them. They are my day. I don't usually have many, if any, commitments, so as long as I am in town, I have a whole day to CHOOSE! The what, the where, the with whom! And when a Saturday is a gorgeous fall one like today... MMMMM! I eat it up. Savor it. Even doing dishes, taking Darla for a walk, reading for class, running errands...... don't mind it. There is something about have a day to choose. There is freedom.<br /><br />I think fall may be turning into my favorite. I like to call it autumn. Poetic, you know.<br /><br />Tonight I went to a women's game night with the Journey ladies. It was great! You know, showing up at a random person's house, playing games, trying to form a small circle of acquaintances in a huge church of faces. My community group starts up next week. Yay! And I'm helping out with that block party next Friday in the city.<br /><br />Sometimes Matt & I go for a while without communicating. Sometimes logistically we just miss each other for a day or two with schedules and timing and exhaustion. And then sometimes we are on the phone for a while only to hang up frustrated or exasperated. I know he is under stress and transition and dealing with change. I know on the phone I can tend to wander and get so sleepy. The simplest things get so wearing when you're so far apart. Sometimes the distance is more than just 1500 miles- we are so separate. Our lives don't cross naturally day in and day out like "normal" relationships. It's disconcerting. Wanting to know and share everything -- it's overwhelming to rely on a phone call once every night (if we're lucky) to get it all done. Sometimes looking back on old pictures and journal entries, reminiscing, I just miss him. I miss us.nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28330465.post-5887869889935261552007-09-24T14:40:00.000-05:002007-09-24T14:45:30.296-05:00You are a Considerate Leader.personalDNA.com<br />. . .<br />about you<br /><p>. . .<br /><u><strong>You are a Leader</strong></u> </p><ul><li>Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER. </li><li>You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical. </li><li>Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture. </li><li>You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts. </li><li>Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings. </li><li>Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures. </li><li>The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things. </li><li>Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership. </li><li>You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges. </li><li>You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face. </li><li>You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style. </li><li>Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you. </li></ul><p>If you want to be different:<br />There's more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things.<br /></p><p></p><p><strong><u>You are Considerate</u><br /></strong></p><ul><li>You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE. </li><li>You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds. </li><li>You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others. </li><li>Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times. </li><li>Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems. </li><li>Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior. </li><li>You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives. </li><li>Your close friends know you as a good listener. </li></ul><p><br />If you want to be different:<br />Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say! </p>nataliemmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08066230580986341766noreply@blogger.com2