ruthless trust

Commonplace

2011-04-23T11:32:00.005-05:00

I'm holding out for what you ask
A simple kind of love I guess
It's commonplace but hard to see
We always think it looks like something else

We celebrate your blood poured out
Your love that breaks this curse we bear
For troubled minds and heavy hearts
When all the other cures have failed we find...

All this time
There is only
There is only You my Lord!
All this time
There is only
There is only You my Lord

And though our hearts will wander far
There is no distance to compare
How far you go to bring us back
Oh Lord Your holy arm in sight you bear

For all the earth to see and know
The salvation of Jesus Christ our Lord!

All this time
There is only
There is only You my Lord!
All this time
There is only
There is only You my Lord

notes from my September week in Chicago

2010-11-18T23:07:00.001-06:00

I love this wandering, nomadic lifestyle. I love Chicago. The L. My paisley coffee mug. Telling stories and sharing memories with old friends. Parks. Having time to finish books. Not knowing anyone for miles and yet never feeling alone. Dressing like a hipster in skinnies & plaid. Time in solitude then meals with friends. Riding bikes. The smoothness of road bikes. The wind in my hair. Nutella. Studying works of art. Feeling the expression of pictures. Attempting to accept modern art. Hoping people will mistake me for an artistic hipster, not a young financier. Dreaming of leaving finance. Straining and experimenting for that perfect shot. Couch surfing with old friends I haven't seen in years. Seeing people passionate and striving for something. Living out of a suitcase. Minimal stuff. Late night waiting for trains at abandoned stations in ‘bad neighborhoods’. Talking to people passionate about their careers. Talking to people idealistic and hopeful. Talking to people who haven’t bought the lie of American dreams. Books by the pound. Not understanding Bloomingdales ‘fashion’. Getting carded. Ordering an orange cane soda because I came on a bike with no ID. Workers blowing up a 2 story inflatable rat for a promo pause to fill up a biker’s low tire. A guy from Africa and I exchange cameras to take pictures of each other in front of the river. Memories float back of that cold February that Mom and I ventured to Chicago to retrieve my Chilean visa. Memories with BFFs wandering, attending concerts, dressing up, peeing on the river walk…Mere… Free wifi. Electrical outlets in open hotel bathrooms. Studying a German family with two beautiful daughters (my cousins??) enjoy their boat tour—as I vow to learn German from those CD’s I bought. Not working, not caring. Still getting paid. Eating ridiculous portions. Taking horrible pictures of myself on boat tour. Brainstorming ways I could practice my Spanish con más frequencía. Admiring details on office buildings. Undisturbed beaches with sturdy rocks for sitting. The movement of cities. Marveling at the bravery of bike riders in city traffic. Neighborhoods. Drinking a bottle of wine on a roof. Lake Shore Drive. Bakery indulgences. Mango bubble tea. Brainstorming new careers. Regretting not med schooling. Regretting not teaching. Regretting not going abroad. Regretting having to be regretful. Giving the finger to expectations and responsibilities. Projecting my own judgment on myself. Am I just coming into who I am? Porch gardens. Big old houses housing eight young people rejecting affluence. Christians heralding the end of Christiandom. Chatting with nonChristians who seem have a better grasp of what Jesus meant than many Christians I encounter. Baked Brie. Picking apples. Wine tastes. Live music. Wind farms in rural Illinois. The satisfaction that my cousin is dating the next Ira Glass of This American Life Fame. The fresh air of freedom. The freedom of fresh air.

2010-05-31T11:55:00.004-05:00

http://bit.ly/8ZaLnb

Restlessness.
Wanderlust.
Discontent.
Wrestling.
Seeking.
Faith.

A scary combination. We'll see where I land. Abba..

Pray for me. I'm getting too comfortable, too easily content. It's a scary prayer but please God... mess with me.

2010-04-25T11:43:00.006-05:00

at the end
at the end of these long roads
we will gather
with our hands in the air

I need to be writing up pages of stuff for this consulting project and pulling together my power point. This class will be over in <1.5 weeks, for better or worse. I want to just throw it together but at the same time feel guilty because this is a real life small business that we are trying to save.

I am graduating with my MBA in a couple weeks. Is this a joke? I guess not. I've spent like $30,000 and 3.5 years on it. Well, my company has paid for 45% and will pay up to 90% of it if I stick around long enough. I feel uncomfortable. Silly. Out of all there is to learn about in the world...an MBA??? I don't feel like I've learned much and am not interested in business. Weird.

Looking back, I enjoyed researching and writing some of the papers that I did. My paper for my intro to legal & ethical business practices class, I thought, was poignant, well-researched, and top-notch (covering the Illegal Immigration divide. Maybe I'll post it here). I enjoyed researching my Global Business Environment paper, too, about the future of American economic dominance.

Last May I spent two weeks in Spain taking a European Union Business Strategy course, which. was. awesome. A great time living in community like I was an undergrad again with 20 young MBA'ers from Loyola and SLU. I got to see all of the art and monuments and people and food and culture that I had learned of in my Spanish civilization capstone class in undergrad. I got to see in the flesh Goya's paintings that had given me goosebumps when I poured over their grainy copies in my textbook. I love Spain so much. It is such an amazing country- so diverse, separated into these distinct cultural regions with such rich history (also, a historical example of where Muslims, Jews, and Christians lived in peace for centuries). I yearn to live over there for a year or two.

Marketing was one class I was dreading because of its endless promoting of consumerism and stuff. It turned out to be one of the best classes I took! Instead of a dry textbook we studied some of the best print advertising in the industry. Through the book "Hey Whipple, Squeeze This!" and creating our own advertising campaign, I loved living the depths of victory and despair that come with creative ideas. I fell in love with the challenge of combining vivid visuals with strong copy. We spent the last 15 minutes of each class watching... commercials! Some of the marketing for justice and social issues was so incredible. :Goosebumps: Plus, there were searching discussions facilitated by our fantastic professor about the real ethical questions of marketing. Thank God for some critical thinking!

My derivatives class was very challenging. Even in the thick of it, I was only really understanding the large concepts. But you know what? Large concepts are what you remember for the rest of your life experience. (I am NOT saying that having some vague concepts are enough to go around creating and trading financial instruments, fyi!) Most of my financial and statistics classes were so concentrated in getting the right answer to these specific quantitative problems that I have no idea what the big picture idea was. This is the travesty of our multiple choice, emphasis on regurgitation for the test educational system. People get A's but have not learned a darned thing. We just cultivate a culture of "educated" ignorance.

My derivatives teacher, Tom Miller, is a genius. If only these Wall Street executives had taken a derivatives class! (ha, no really..) Derivatives allow you to hedge against any liabilities and uncertainties and should lead to a more stable economy if used responsibly. Unfortunately our government has gotten out of the business of regulation. If our government has stripped away all of its regulatory authority and is too weak and ignorant to control or understand what these companies are up to, market externalities will destroy us. They have and they will again if we don't take them seriously. Remember the 1980s savings & loan crisis? It happened again (except hundreds of times worse) because financial regulation was not tightened. How many disasters will it take? We need protection by something that cannot be bought off! Alas, I'm afraid our government has assumed a position of enabler and cronie.

Anyway, yes, derivatives are complex. Most of the problems in the world are. As Adam said yesterday, if it isn't understandable in a 10 second newsbite, America doesn't care and writes it off. I am scared of big business. Republican big interests have sold disgusting fear-mongoring tactics... and America has eaten it up in a *very* scary way.

I will not get into my fears for a country that gives any weight to anything Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck utters.

Finally, I took one class outside of the business school in the school of Public Policy! MAN, do I love those liberal arts classes, professors, and students. Talk about critical thinking! Do you think if we were better informed on how America works, maybe we would be better citizens, voters, and activists? Nah, who wants an informed populace? They are so hard to please, harder to fool, won't fall for propaganda as easily...

I had some real big flops where I learned nothing and felt cheated out of money and time... Operations Management. Nuff said.

I guess in writing this out, I have learned more than I thought. I am grateful for that. I am always thankful for an excuse to research, write, and inform. I would have loved to do a final project researching the merits of microfinancing in reducing world poverty rather than consulting for this small business. But education is ongoing. Travel, books, well-researched news (npr.org folks), documentaries, and just an awareness of the world go so far.

As I finish up this graduate degree (now feeling a little more proud and grateful after taking the time to write it out), I hope to continue in pursuit and advocacy of meaningful education. School's out, the world awaits!

As Missourian Mark Twain says, "I have never let schooling interfere with my education."

Amen.

Psalm 13

2010-04-03T20:58:00.004-05:00

how long
O Lord
will you forget me
forever?

how long
O Lord
will You hide Your face
from me?

how long
will you leave me to my deeds?
look on me and answer
O my God

give light to my eyes
or I will sleep in death

but i trust in Your
unfailing love
my heart rejoices
in Your salvation

and i will sing
to the Lord
for He has been
good to me

so good to me

another semester done

2009-12-15T18:22:00.006-06:00

Yesterday I submitted a 19 page public policy paper finishing off my 6th semester of grad school. One more semester to go, plus an intersession class. Not bad.

Work... ugg... don't want to talk about it... I can't wait for the day that I walk out the door for good. I don't know what I would rather be doing, but I have the feeling that any change would be good. I work so hard, am stressed, but regardless it seems it's never enough.

Adam had an interview at Rosalind-Franklin in Chicago today. He loved the program. I hope they loved him, too! Dartmouth in New Hampshire or Chicago or New York... where will he be in July?? No one knows till Match Day!

I am SO HAPPY TO BE AT HOME! I spent the entire evening at home last night. How long has it been? I am so happy to be done with class and school work to enjoy the season! Christmas parties, shopping, decorating, social events, cooking...!

I'm off to the store to shop for the Neediest Families family that my work adopted. Pumped! And grab some groceries.

Saturdays

2009-11-14T17:40:00.005-06:00

Saturdays (when I am in town) are my day. I revel in the freedom. In the sunshine.

Even though I have a list of chores and errands and to-do's--I like that. Even though today I spent hours preparing a 40 minute public policy presentation for Monday. Just being at home in a day without restless obligation is so... nice.

I slept in until 8... minus Josie, the kitty, banging on my door and meowing for attention...

I didn't get around to going to the store or baking cookies or washing my grimy mirror or cleaning out the abyss that is the bathroom linen closet... but I did work on power point for an hour or two, then did 2 loads of laundry, worked another hour, then swept the hallway and bathroom, got distracted by facebook, and cleaned the mildew off of the shower curtain, powerpointed again... I enjoy this.

I think I would like working part-time from home.

Around noon Adam picked me up for "breakfast" at First Watch. We walked around Clayton in the warm sunshine before he had to head to work.

Tonight I'm going to visit Rebecca's apartment before we see Charity and Luke play at a restaurant.

I couldn't believe I had an entire day with no plans until 7pm. I'm not sure this has ever happened.

I'm getting tired. Discontent. Apathetic. A week and a half ago I got really low. Completely burnt out. Tired of the obligation, the routine, craving something, anything different. I didn't begin to really feel better until I began a 2 hour cleaning mission of Adam's apartment before our V for Vendetta party.

Cleaning is so satisfying. I see immediate effects of my work and know the benefits. It is active, not just sitting in front of a computer like most work these days. It is tangible. I like it. Restoring living spaces.

Restoration. In the land of the living.

"Curry home, dear!"

2009-07-06T18:45:00.005-05:00

Favorite new snack at work: a bowl of walnuts & cranberries.

Tonight: fighting urge to go immediately to sleep after work in post-Cornerstone fatigue.

Now am perfecting :my: curry sauce for :my: indian meal. Trader Joe's organic brown rice, TJ's tandori naan, Aldi meatballs, and a sauce of stewed tomatoes, canned mushrooms (a new addition for tonight!), minced garlic, a splash of crushed red pepper, and a dash of curry powder which I just bought at the spice shop at Soulard Farmer's Market. I'm a bit nervous about trying curry powder... I probably stayed on the conservative end of curry usage for fear of burning my tongue off.

I am enjoying the occasional free summer evening to experiment in the kitchen. Very glad I dropped that class.

2009-06-15T11:32:00.007-05:00

This past semester was brutal. Emotionally, spiritually, academically, professionally, physically.

Taking six hours of grad school ontop of working full time nearly killed me. I went for weeks at a time without any free time alone. I agonized for over two months wandering through the darkness of severe depression and mental illness with a dear one. I've bumbled through another half year at a "good" job I don't care about. I failed at allowing sufficient time for friendship and family and at being vulnerable enough to allow community or show weakness- until it was absolutely necessary. I gained a pudge around my belly from being unable to find time to swim. I spent a surreal, whirlwind two weeks in Spain studying business in the EU, being away from it all, and wearing myself out.

And I broke up with Dave.

I'm not sure if I still can fully grasp how hard 2009 has been on me already. I'm not sure if I fully understand how tired I am. I'm not sure if I will ever know how acutely this experience has affected me.

Yesterday I spent two hours talking with Adam. ha, when I met him a year ago, I doubt I could have ever imagined the serious, vulnerable conversation we had. I think I cried half the time. It's the first time I've really cried- I hadn't felt a need to yet. I thought I was happily moving on, but my tears reveal the painful places I have gone through to get here. He said he was so sorry that I had to go through this. And I sobbed. So few people know the extent of it. Thank you, Adam. He's good to me. He's going to be a good doctor, I know it.

Since making the decision, I have felt so good. I have felt such a peaceful release that I have felt guilty. I feel happy again! I feel free; the world is mine! I know it was the right decision.

But can't help feeling selfish. It does seem like an extremely selfish decision. But I know I can only be responsible for myself. I know I need someone who is as good for me as I for him. I know it was the right decision for me and that nothing healthy could happen between us the way it was. I exhausted myself. I guess I didn't set good boundaries, but what were my choices?? I had so much faith, hope, and love that it would all work out! So much faith in things yet unseen... and slowly this all dissolved, even as he improved. I don't know what happened to me. I think I just wore out. I had to detach myself to keep from falling apart.

June. I have no class until June 29 (and maybe I'll drop it). I have no community group. I have no recurring commitments for three weeks! (besides... work. womp womp).

I need to rest. I need to be alone. I need to journal my heart and mind out. I need to sit in prayer. I need to take walks. I need to cook quiet dinners in my bright kitchen. I need to inquire of God what He wants of me. I need to listen. I need to explore my strengths and weaknesses. I need to understand why I hide, why it is so damn hard for me to talk about myself. I need to rebuild some friendships. I need to paint a picture of the man I want to marry so I'll know him if I meet him. I need to sit in silence. I need to know myself. I need to ask the "what are You doing??" in the midst of my trials. I need to be able to say no, know my limits. I need to enjoy. I need to teach myself to rest. I just need to be.

2009-04-04T16:21:00.005-05:00

My work is now 3.3 miles from my new home. Yay!

My room is slowly coming together. Boxes of books and kitchen supplies are still floating around. This is probably the biggest room I have ever inhabited. My furniture is dwarfed in its bright cheery walls with two sides of windows. The brightness and sunshine feel good.

This morning Dave, Gus, Rocky, and I took a 3.5 round trip walk to Walmart and back. My sedentary lifestyle is showing... I can feel it in my feet, legs, and back. How sad! But we are going to get in shape! I have printed out a "Couch to 5k" running and walking program for us.

My two roommates and I are spending the warm, sunny afternoon tinkering around the house and napping.

Perfect.

Tonight Dave & I are getting dressed up to go out to eat. It's our 6 month-iversary!

2009-04-01T15:03:00.010-05:00

I move into a new apartment today!

Can you believe I ended up living at home for a little over a year? Crazy how time passes. Living at home is a good life. Little responsibility, $FREE$, come & go.

Unfortunately even though I live with my family I spend literally NO time with them. I feel bad about this. Somehow my relationships with them have gone down since living with them--and not from arguments or disagreements--simply I all did was sleep there. The problem with living so far away from where I work, church and school is that I leave at 7am and didn't return till 11pm. No familial contact. I hope that in moving out, I can go over on Saturday mornings or an evening for dinner. Call to chat. etc.

I'm looking forward to living centrally to my life to have a base of operations and home to relax, cook, be organized. Living further away has added another pinch of craziness and disorganization and stress.

Still trying to figure out a Sabbath. *shaking head* There is so much I have to do that I already don't have time to do!! Seek ye first... yeah... I hope my new living arrangement can add some more peace, free time, and organization to my life.

I'll keep you posted!

Things I am looking forward to:
* cooking (I've been purusing allrecipes.com, have already made a grocery list, and am looking forward to planning menus for optimal health and budgeting!)
* entertaining
* living in community with some cool girls
*jogging (Dave & I are goign to start a "Couch to 5k" running & walking program next week)
* carving out a little bit of peace and quiet every day - to journal, pray, read the Word
* walking/riding my bike to grocery store, community group, Dave's, work, church
* having my own space to decorate, clean, BE
* getting all of my stuff organized, giving away/freecycling anything I don't use or wear!

2009-02-13T13:47:00.006-06:00

I got a vase filled with 6 red roses with baby's breath and ferns springing up around them. My Friday the 13th flowers :) There is one rose that is a good 4 inches taller than the rest. But the incongruity seems fitting.

It has been a difficult month and a half.

But.

God is faithful. Even when we're not. I have watched God provide from his glorious riches and it has reminded me that when we are the weakest, His strength is most apparent. And He can be most glorified. You'd think He like plans it this way...

I am exhausted but hanging on. Only by daily gifts and feeble attempts at prayer have I been able to be sustained. oh, grace. oh, come abide.

I trust. I haven't cried so much... ever. I'm just so tired of fighting. Myself. The darkness. My vain ideas of the way this "should" be.

And yet, this feeling of "the world ought not be like this!" "It's not supposed to be like this! I know it!" I find myself just praying for His Kingdom to come. Today. Through this. I pray for restoration! I pray for ::redemption::! For every tear to be wiped away, for every wrong to be righted.

I don't understand the why. Who benefits from this useless suffering? Can't it be accomplished some other way? Why??

I scream "just fix it! If you can, if you're able, do it! Restore! Give us back what has been taken!" Those philosophical debates on suffering never seemed close to me. Suddenly, life is flipped.

Be not far off.
You are our only sustainer. Our only restorer.
Even when we can't believe it.
Forgive our unbelief.

2009-01-28T13:47:00.012-06:00

Sometimes I feel so... restless. Disappointed. Frustrated.

I look at my friends' blogs who are writing for a newspaper in Chile
or teaching English in Korea
and I am so desperate to get away.

The stories, the adventure, the travel, the people, the disappointments, the triumphs, the problem-solving, the language learning, the food...

What am I doing?

I have so many hopes and dreams -- why don't I at least follow one of them???

Sometimes the tightness in my chest is overwhelming. I feel so stiffled. I can't explain it.

I'm about to sign a year's lease. Why does this always happen? Why am I always caught in the middle of mediocre but never happy?

Then sometimes I look at friends' facebooks or blogs who are happily married with adorable children in a cozy home - I want that, too.

But maybe. Not yet? I'm not as young as I used to be. Something has got to change.

2009-01-27T21:17:00.004-06:00

My church is doing an intimidating series called "Rhythms: Restoring Everyday Spirituality." I can't tell you how much I love being led by these humble, wise, creative, honest elders.

The most convicting sermon... the Sabbath. Wondering, have I ever taken a sabbath?? :deep breath: I think I find a lot of worth in being busy, having things going on... I never want to feel like I am missing anything. But in doing this, I seem to be missing the point.

What quality of life am I living if I don't have time for reflection, worship, beauty, solitude, prayer, lazy laughter? What about a deep, meaningful life in which I suck the marrow out of each moment- instead of the rush, the obligation, the exhaustion. What is life if not obligation?

I'm still trying to figure out the practical HOW of learning to rest and WHAT exactly a life practicing more rest would look like.

First, I am struggling to expel feelings of guilt. From sitting and pondering a good song, reading a book, tilting back my head to feel the snowflakes, sitting and talking with my parents, writing my thoughts/doodling, having a decent phone conversation--without multi-tasking! Oh the struggle to be fully present in our culture! To pitch a tent in the NOW and HERE (which put together = NOWHERE) (from Brennan Manning's masterful book "Ruthless Trust").

The now and here is the only place we can experience God. "We only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere" John Dalrymple, in this past week's sermon on prayer.

It must start in the here and now.

Listening: Jon Foreman
Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer EPs = some of the best music to get stuck in my heart in a while.

2009-01-26T22:04:00.004-06:00

I just need to get into a groove.

Writing observations, thoughts, stories, dreams, goals.

I just need to hit a groove.

listening to: leith & kindsay.
Love those guys. Such harmonies.
Sounds like: a marriage.
Love it.

I bought a 2009 moleskine with a page for each of the 365 days. It is supposed to give me motivation to write daily. I love writing, documenting, expressing... usually lack the time, energy and reflective attitude. It's exciting thinking about what these pages will be filled with in the coming year. oh, the expectation. I hope for more laughter than tears. But as Job says "should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”

blessed be the name. teach me to truly worship.

running with martyrs & thieves

2008-08-18T19:50:00.007-05:00

Yesterday morning I went for a run before church. It's happening people... there is something strangely addicting about it...running.

I will still maintain that I hate running--it's a horrible feeling feeling so horrible. And yet, the past month as I have been training for my triathlon, dragging myself out of bed at 6:30 in the morning, sweating as soon as I open the door, so flushed that the redness hangs in my cheeks as I enter the office an hour later--little by little I began to strangely enjoy it. In the past when I got uncommonly motivated once a year or so to go for a jog, I would return defeated, writing it off as an inhumane form of exercise for another year. Having a specific goal in mind was extremely necessary for me to face the Evil of Running. Plus, it is one of the very few times I am alone, concentrating on only one thing, and even listening to good music... a quiet pleasure I rarely have time to indulge.

Sunday's playlist:
Love is Not Against the Law, Derek Webb
Love Song, Anberlin
Love Song, Sara Bareilles
Love Song for No One, John Mayer
Low, Coldplay
Lunacy, Rue Royale
Martyrs and Thieves, Jennifer Knapp
Mockingbird, Derek Webb

Man, I have such good music. As you can see, I listen to them alphabetically by title because I haven't taken the time to figure out if my mp3 player has a random setting.

The day's most poignant song: Martyrs & Thieves. J-Knapp rocks my face off, like for real. I want to be like her, but my guitar skills are so sub-par. I wish I could express myself as well as she... these lyrics... paint my heart... each verse... find it & listen to it. Let it sink in.

martyrs & thieves, jennifer knapp

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I am...

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

Can you hear me?

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time...

Natalia la Exploradora

2008-07-14T14:05:00.008-05:00

I rode my bike on this cool trail last night as the sun was setting. I even put on my helmet, though I felt like a goober, because I thought it may get wild. Indeed, it did.

I took off down Teson, cut through White Birch Estates which backs up to Truman Park, and took the paved trail to the end where it diverges into three dirt paths overlooking the Missouri river bottom. I reached the top of the hill where the pavement ends and dirt begins and slammed on my breaks! Maybe 15 feet from me was this huge doe hanging out on the trail. After staring at each other for 20 seconds, she decided I was harmless and started sniffing around. I was like "Excuse me, but I was going to take that dirt trail..." and began rolling towards her. She jetted off the path. I cautiously began rolling down the narrowed path. I'd seen the damage deer can do to cars--imagine if she freaked out an knocked me off my bike?!

I continued on, gaining speed, took this bumpy trail through spiderwebs, brambles, over fallen logs, through mud, twisting and turning... there were various trails coming and going so I just took them at random without a clue where I was or where I was going. That sense of adventure and pursuit of the unknown is one of my favorite things in life. Call me Dora la Exploradora.

All of a sudden I came upon an open clearing, full of super tall prairie grass (no idea where I was) and there was the doe was bounding next to me again! It almost felt like a dream sequence. I stopped and talked to her a few seconds when she stopped to nose at something. I pushed on into the dark canopy... after exploring a few more winding trails at random, I got spit out at the back of Riverwood Estates subdivision. I reluctantly left my jungle trail and began my suburban ride-- including a 1/2 mile huge hill-- whew! I rode the couple miles back through another park and sat on the playground to reply to a text as dusk approached. Suddenly my parents and our neighbors appear on their evening walk. I wave and say "hey! Hey guys!" they give me a nervous wave and muster an uninterested "hi". As they walk away I realize they haven't recognized me! I yell, "I'm your daughter!!!!" but they don't hear me. So that was weird.

I used gmaps to try to estimate how far it was, but none of the jungle-like winding dirt trails are on there. I'm thinking maybe 6 miles. Yay!

Saturday I looking forward to biking 7 miles to the community center, swimming 1 hour, then biking 7 miles home to (hopefully be able to force myself to) run my regular 2 mile route-- but the pool was closed for cleaning so I did NONE of the above. Sigh! The triathlon is less than a month away! I need to up my running another mile consistently and get used to that.

Gah, I hate running.

But an adventurous ride through the jungles of Hazelwood, Missouri, now that's another story....

excerpts

2008-05-15T22:46:00.007-05:00

My blog buddies, it has been some time! I didn't know where to begin and just got overwhelmed. I thought maybe I would share some excerpts from my handwritten journal. They may seem random...

Feb 3
Psalm 1 v3: (S)he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. I have always like the symbolism here comparing a righteous person to a thriving tree dependent and interconnected with its source of all life. Today the fact that such a tree 'yields fruit in its season' struck me. Probably because the theme of trust and waiting are so resonant in my churning, spinning life. I have been learning to desire to walk in the Spirit, to somehow be active yet not controlling. To allow the seasons and circumstances to come and to hold onto my plans and decisions very lightly. I don't have to rush winter (as if I can control that anyway!) with my desire to get to the gifts of spring--God will sustain!

Feb 4
I was hit today with a thought--what if my all my circumstances truly were circumstantial? What if I could stop obsessing over where I am supposed to be and just be? I am so conflicted, pulled by dreams and desires. If nothing in my life ever changes, could I be truly content w/God? So much is defined of me by what I DO. But the BEING...who do I want to be? Remind me, it is the process, the drawing near, the seeking... Lord, may I not seek the right choice, but You. Forgive my short-sightedness.

Feb 11
I saw a church sign today that read "If God guides, God will provide." It got me wondering, is the converse (would it be the converse statement?? Forgotten geometry proof terms...) true? If God provides (a houses, new job, etc) does that necessarily mean that He is guiding?

Feb 16
Why am I so weak? God, I trust you are working me out, sanctifying, preparing, maturing me into real relationships w/all people. I need the Holy Spirit to wash over me & bring me into all truth, to help me withstand he temptation to take the easy, non-confrontive, non-investing, non-vulnerable way out. ... forgive my mistakes...we didn't have a chance. It's over and I don't necessarily want a 2nd chance--I just want movement, I want to continue on this journey, I want to press on to take hold of all You have ahead of me. Remind me of the beauty, grace & persevering test of the promise. ***Your plans prevail; I can move in a smothering blanket of provision. Live, breathe, love deeply.***

Feb 18
Read "Perks of Being a Wallflower". Highly recommend it.
::infinite::
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"I'd die for you, but I won't live for you."

Feb 18
BFF Weekend was great. I love these girls. I love their beauty, humor, passions, unconditionality, artistic flair, indy-ness, spirituality, deepness. ... Some of the picture of my new life in Tacoma is just these things. Seeking depth, beauty, art. Sure, I can do those things here, practicality begs to remind me. But...I feel a need to break, a definite beginning/end, a chance, something to look back on even if it turns out to be a mistake, that at least I went, I risked, I pushed myself, I moved, I lived. :shrug: I feel my concentration on job, degrees, 'success', math & science, business has stunted my passions, inclinations, artistry, those things that make life worthwhile.

coffee drinker
book of poetry, verses, quotes
reading...the classics
thrifting, clothes swaps - no retail?
rain boots
cooking for people
music_rue royale
relationships - go! honesty, communication
mornings w/God, invitation to life
honesty>>poignant Q's>>truth
mini-canvases
piano/guitar
visit Linny & Keith
beauty_art_dress
postcards, gifts, clothes

Feb 20
He [is] restoring my heart happier, stronger than ever. Growing my relations w/others, drawing near to Him, clearing the way to my hopes & dreams, inspiring my heart, showing my weakness...the Holy Spirit is at work. And I rejoice!

Feb 23
My parents--so good & supportive whatever my decision. They want me to fly & be so happy. They are great people. ...
I attended the Perks of Being a Wallflower book club at the Journey. I shared the least in the group, but did well for me. May I con't to face my insecurities, take risks necessary to grow. Thanks for the road You have me on.

Mar 1
"Forgiveness" without talking, working through... that's not forgiveness. There is no restoration or reconciliation in that.

Mar 9
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Joshua
"Humble leaders know their role. Not driven by ambition to be somewhere/someone that you're not. Caleb knew what God had called him to." This is conflicting me. I want to be content in my situation, working & loving where I am. Yet I want to know what God has called me to. I want to try something new. I want everything and yet nothing. From the women's retreat: What if God is calling you to a life smaller than you imagined? Where is my contentment?

"Moving home is not a step back." Thank you, Janice from community group. I need assurance. We're moving out of our apartment and it's very sad. I grew to love this place.

Mar 13
I want him to know Your ways & Your truth & the light of Your face. I am still learning so much and leaning on Your daily bread. May I share all I've got.

Was there any good? Where did the good go??? [Tegan & Sara]

Mar 23
3 days off...too delicious. Last weekend Jen & I moved out of the Pavilion. As we moved the last box,her dad called saying the house had just sold. And the whirlwind of confusion, decisions continues.

Mar 30
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Gideon
"Who am I?"
1.) go to God; Gideon renamed by God "Mighty Man of God"
2.) go to others; what your community sees in you. "Let Baal contend against him"
Marinate in the Word like a BBQ sauce.

April 7
Natalie is grateful. It was a wonderful weekend!
song: Watermark "A Grateful People".

April 13
spineless... hurt pride and confusion as to who that even is.
God, I just want to cling to You and have You make it all better. How my soul longs for its rest in You.

April 16
Psalm 24: Who will ascend the holy hill? Who will stand in the holy place? The one who does not lift up her soul to what is false.

God, I confess how much and how consistently I lift up my soul to what is false. Oh, how I seek affirmation, contentedness, joy in all places but give You a perfunctory nod of recognition.

In the presence of a thousand kings are You my one desire?

...these things won't bind up my heart and I refuse to lift my heart. Guide me today.

April 17
Defeated. How much more introverted can I be? I hate that 'I' [of INFJ]. I hate this wretched state I am in. How long? How long O Lord? When will I be able to express myself like an adult? I want the finished product. How do all of my complexities and contradictions fit together? God, I feel I'm living in a state of out of control. There is a strange peace in that. I am being vulnerable, letting people in, risking public knowledge of my failure but I covet their prayers & encouragement.

April 20
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: David
Sometimes God's judgment is giving us what we want.
David becomes king, is blessed greatly...this can be a very dangerous season for most people.
May the SIN be more odious than the consequence.
The Holy Spirit is lazer-like, specific.

May 4
Despite [my comment], doors have been opened to communication, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness, reconciliation. The snarky comment was childish, but if it brought this about, so be it.

Friday i drove to Macomb for a great weekend visit. Hilariousness. At L&K's we worshipped God for an hour or so. Simply incredible.

[His] comment about me being 25 (which I'm not) so I should know what to do w/my life by now. Are you serious?? I'm sorry I didn't marry & follow a husband? I'll never recant. Feminist or otherwise.

For some reason...being w/Linny wants me to live deeper. I want to pray, write, create, capture, journal. I am so blessed she is in my life. I truly mean that. I wish I could be a better friend to her.

I prayed most of the time on the Eldred Blacktop. God, I need Jesus so much. I want movement in so many areas. But esp. by the spirit. Your nearness is to me my good.

May 6
I hate this. I do not want to react like this. It's unintentional, detestable to me. Be gone. Why did I ever say hi...

II Cor 3:12-18 Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Pervade the porousness of my heart. Bring Your freedom. Bring Your healing. Bring Your transforming power. There is nothing I have felt more strongly. It's You I want. I don't want half-healing thru hiding, burying my feelings, or temporary relief thru a change of job or living situation, or temporary satisfaction in a boy interest, no matter how 'perfect' for me. Even if it's "him" -- the best yet providing much sanctification, happiness, growth-- God I want You first, so much more. I trust who You are. I ruthlessly trust. May I reflect you. May I defend him. May I be upfront about my failings. Let my pride fall. Let me in some way point to your glory. He left indelible imprints on me--for good and for bad. Because sanctification comes thru people & working it out. Because I have so much to learn & confess. Because I want to reflect Your character of reconciliation, peace-making. God, teach me how to forgive from the heart.

[[[[[[[[And He died that we may live
and He lives that we may die
to our idols, to our sins, and to ourselves]]]]]
"That We Might Live"

May 9
Tonight we saw Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken. It was incredible. They are so adorable, not sick/sweet, both very real, independent, beautiful, and in love. I pray I never become a bitter single. No rush. I see what I want, I don't fear. I was blown away at how he brought such truth so articulately-- things I have thought but could not express fully. yes yes yes! A holistic gospel. Anything else makes us seem "arrogant, two-dimensional, irrelevant."
I need to find a video of his 5 minute talk----WOW! I love Derek Webb!

May 22
Could I work for the International Justice Mission?

May 23
Soundtrack to my life: A Fine Frenzy
Missouri is beautiful. Word. Why do train conductors still wear silly uniforms & hats?

[[making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this
there's hope for the hopeless]]

It's hard to be at this point. Wanting to make plans, but yet holding them loosely in case I get word to uproot and replant. I have no doubt I would go if the right opportunity comes. LORD, I am trusting You. It's like I leave or I become a permanent resident at my parents' while I wait for something that will never come. Terrifying. Move Me. Move this heart. Have your way w/me. Heal me whole, concerned w/your opinion only.

May 26
Maybe I should look into moving to South America again. Maybe I'm just trying to be too responsible. Maybe Hannah E. would come w/me. It's not an escape but a little journey on. ?Que dices Tu? Padre Santo, muestrame.

"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem" MLK

Looking at the cows in the field rushing past...I wonder if my spirit would be content to be a cow grazing in one pasture my entire life. Well, I reasoned, yeah, it's clear that's what I was made for. I wouldn't fight it. Ok. I think I'd be content in investments if in the same way I knew I was born to be there. But I don't. Know, that is. If I don't know that I am meant to be in this pasture, how can I be content there until I find out?

God, if I truly sought You, what would I find? Be still. Get down on Your knees. Ask for wisdom. Taste and see. Wait.

May 27
[[I get a restless feeling in my bones
and I know
that at times it just won't go away
restless tonight]]
Allison Krause, Restless

Lord, I rest my restlessness in You. Or at least attempt to.

June 1
The Journey: Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Jeremiah
"All life is repentance." Martin Luther
*synchrotist=flow in cultural current where ever it takes
*separatist=separate from culture, avoid involvement for fear of corruption
***oh to hang in the sweet balance

Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning
"the inescapable narcissism of consciousness"
"Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life"
"To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Nowhere. It is an act of radical trust--trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place than the present moment"
--This book is speaking deeply to my soul. Chapter after chapter.

back in the saddle

2007-11-13T11:49:00.000-06:00

Jen & I had a great time in Beantown. I was glad she was with me since Matt had class and worked all day Thursday and most of the day Friday. It was pretty cold--we were always bundled up in heavy coats, gloves, hats, scarves. We took the T (Boston's public transportation system) everywhere.

We did the Freedom Trail (with a stop in the North end near Paul Revere's house in Little Italy. Point of notice: the Freedom Trail seems much better with half a bottle of wine in you...). At the end we took a water ferry instead of walking back across the bridge- so cool! For dinner we met my friend, Joyce, whom I studied abroad with, who now attends grad school at Tufts in Davis Square. We got coffee and then went back to her place for more hang outs.

Friday Jen & I took the Unofficial Hahvahd Tour, which is great. Then we met Matt at Bartley's for the best burgers in Boston. Jen & I played in those beautiful New England leaves in JFK memorial park in front of the Charles River where we even saw a rower in this chilly weather! *picturesque* We took the T to Fenway and walked around it then met Matt in Chinatown. We had some delicious food... including an Indian pancake w/yummy sauce. That night we stopped by Kick Ass Cupcakes, which had just opened. They were fine, but probably not worth $2.75/regular size (aka: tiny)cupcake. Mine was flavored mojito!

Saturday we got a huge breakfast at the Family Restaurant in Matt's closest square, Union Square. Then we began our journey to the JFK museum and presidential library. Well, we took the T and after walking several miles to the end of a bay behind UMass, but still following the signs to the museum, I finally asked a UMass student. She told me to get on the shuttle! That was a long, cold walk, but I'd say it was worth it. I had never been to a presidential library before, but I think I'd like to see more if I'm somewhere near one. For the trip back, we definitely waited for the shuttle, thank goodness.

Sunday we went to a church Matt has been going to a few times. We met a guy who Jen had met at Mizzou, and with whom Matt went to Walden's Pond when their mutual friend was in town a few months ago! Weird! The church was great - I really enjoyed it.

The message was on Ecclesiastes 7, which was fantastic, full of seeming contradiction, yet so full of wisdom. Sorrow is better than laughter... you never reconsider and reassess your life when things are going well. We need those times to force us to reflect and go deeper, to really consider where we are and what we're doing. Like CS Lewis says (paraphrased), "God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts at us through our pain. Pain is God's megaphone for a deaf heart." Empty laughter is meaningless; our conversations need to go deeper and bring up painful things if neccessary. "Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient spirit is better than the proud spirit" & "Say not 'why were the former days not better than these?' ": it is so easy to compare the 'good old days' with now and be depressed or feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Things change, and though outwardly things may appear worse, these are the times when you are living with depth and working through big things. I think this period of life is called your twenties. Before this, everything was kind of carefree, decided for you. Also, it's easy to be this way about romantic relationships--oh, for those days when we were first together!! But that is infatuation, not love. Love rides out the hard parts and works through the rough edges of the girl and guy. It's a process of sanctification. God is going to bring you to completion! Patience... It's a grueling marathon, but imagine the joy and victory of the finish line. And finally, don't harbor anger. It lodges in your heart. Sometimes you need time to realize the argument wasn't a big deal. But, that is not an excuse to ignore or run from problems.

This passage and sermon spoke to Matt and I at nearly every turn. Sunday night after walking through Boston Public Gardens, looking around cool shops, eating a hotdog and fried dough from a vendor in the park, and then eating a delicious meal at a Peruvian restaurant, Matt & I sat down at a coffee shop in Union Square and delved into many issues. I cried a lot. We affirmed our love for one another, let our emotions, anger, and confusion show, and made a commitment to work. Many of our relational problems are linked to our personal personality traits and sin problems. We can both be so alike, which is not necessarily a good thing. We tend to go passive-aggressive, to be independent and tending to draw into ourselves, to throw things when we get off the phone, to not allow our emotions to show, to not open ourselves up and work through problems... and for what reason??? We have both been deceived into thinking this is easier, but oh, how it grows. And how it weighs! We aren't sure how to "fix" us... but we are praying and seeking God to move in each of us individually which will make needed changes between us relationally. We need to get down to the heart of the matter which can lead back to those awesome lessons on idols at the Journey. I want to have this free, open, vulnerable, say anything, wear myself on my sleeve, I know everything about you and you about me kind of relationship with him. I want us to work. I want us to fall in love again. We are at the end of ourselves, so maybe we will finally give God a chance to work and have His way with us.

Regardless, He is going to work. And so blessed be His name.

"She said, I think I'll go to Boston..."

2007-10-31T10:46:00.000-05:00

Jennifer and I are going to Boston next weekend! A little last minute, yes. Jen has next week off of work and wants desperately to get out of here. She said she'd love to explore the city and see Matt... and I said, well, sure!

We're leaving Wednesday night after I get off of work and will fly back early Monday morning so I can work all day and then go to class.

I will have to work my tail off for the next week to get everything done; it's not the best time of the month for me to get away.

On that note, back to work I go!

Welcome Chuck, Welcome all!

2007-10-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I semi-officially took my new blog public. Without much fanfare, I posted it as my website on Facebook and made (probably) a final Xanga entry with the web address posted.

I have enjoyed the anonymity here, but I do want to open it up to more people. Xanga was weirding me out by the number of kind-of-friends that were there and the concept of audience was stifling me. It's still a struggle here, especially as more people read it but I decided I had to make a break from Xanga... I have good memories there and I still go to check my subscriptions -- I enjoy that feature. I am still struggling to find a balance of what's-going-on-type updates vs. what's-going-on-inside-of-me posts. Anyone else with struggles of audience pleasing or advice on blog purpose?

I am trying to figure out "feeds" to keep up with my friends in all of the blog arenas. But I am pretty much only online at work (at home the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer - gag!) and our browsers here don't support feeds. So, I am working to get a comprehensive list under my "links" section to find my friends' updates.

btw, I heart updates! After working intently for several hours, I am thirsty for human contact! An email, a facebook (I'm making that a verb), or a blog update is a joyous occasion! Also, please comment--whether I know you in real life or not. It will make this less of soliloquy and more of a community process/conversation. Not sure-- I'm still not clear on the purpose of this guy...

Inspired by our last weekend together, Lindsay is hopefully going to create a community blog for our spiritual family to keep in touch and share what is happening inside of us, through us, and around us. Despite the distance between us, hopefully we can experience community and share and grow!

~*~*~*~*~*
Um, I'm a little loopy. I just had a feeling that my legs are disconnected from my body. When I got lunch, I thought I may be floating on the stairs. I think this is caused by a combo of a few medicines and my body trying to fight off a cold (my roommate has laryngitis and I'm a bit weary...) I hope this does not affect my performance at work as I handle millions of dollars today... ha! :-/

Hazelhood West

2007-10-19T10:26:00.001-05:00

I heard on the radio this morning that tonight's Hazelwood West homecoming bonfire and pep rally have been cancelled due to adminstrative concerns over gang violence. How sad. This is just another reminder of a downward spiral that Hazelwood is in.

This school year has supposedly been an administrative nightmare for everyone involved. Hazelwood opened four new middle schools to ease overcrowding, but no new high school, especially up north with all of the new housing developments. Boundry lines were (seemingly arbitarily) redrawn and kids suddenly were pushed into new schools. Literally one side of my street goes to one elementary school and the other half goes to another. My neighbor, a 5th grader, was assigned to a new elementary school her last year before middle school. The busses STILL are not running on time. Kids are a half hour late to school everyday because they can't get it figured out. They pushed the middle school start time up to 7:15am to try to get high school bus routes back ontime. So 11 year old kids will be waiting for the bus at 6am.... in the dark.

A neighbor kid sat in an AP Chemistry class for three days in August without a teacher. Finally they figured it out: they didn't hire one. Oh, darn it... The kids' schedules were all screwed up--they were missing classes or lunches or one kid had three lunch periods or some peoples' schedules were completely blank!

Plus, the phone systems aren't working in the schools. Earlier in the year, there was a bomb threat so everything was under lockdown, school was released early.... and no parents could call into the school to see if everything was OK. Whoops, we never got those phones hooked up, did we? How important is communication, especially between parents and schools?? I guess not very. Oh, and there are major textbook shortages.

One good thing: there are actually people showing up to the school board meetings. The last meeting ran from 7pm to midnight because there was so much disgust and so many complaints from over 400 teachers, parents, bus drivers, and students. Hopefully this will be the kick to wake up the public to vote out the corrupt-beyond-all-belief-union-controlled school board driving Hazelwood, the 2nd biggest district in St. Louis county, straight into the ground.

My heart is literally heavy to hear about all of waste, corruption, apathy, laziness, lack of organization, etc. so laden in our schools... kids literally don't have a chance. And I am talking about a county school. I haven't even mentioned the St. Louis City school problem (officially unaccredited and taken over by the state this year). I hope that Hazelwood can receive a change of leadership and change of heart and mind to keep us from going down the same path...

Things like this boil my blood... and crush my spirit... like nothing else.

OMG

2007-09-30T17:04:00.001-05:00

Shane Claiborne is coming to speak at my church.

Saturday October 13, 2007. 7pm.

Come!!!

la di da

2007-09-30T00:09:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to Matt! He's 24... quite the old man.

Work is exploding again... ay yi yi. I'm already behind for the first day of the month on Monday. I'll just push through and work strong and steady. For 12 hours. Wait. Can't do that. I have class Monday night at 6pm. :-/

I hope my friend, Beth, gets called back for another interview with my company. That'd be so swell!

Friday night I worked till about 7pm and met up with my roommie, Jen, at her high school alma mater's homecoming game. I love fall and football!!! High school - what a strange time and place.

I love Saturdays. I love the freedom of them. They are my day. I don't usually have many, if any, commitments, so as long as I am in town, I have a whole day to CHOOSE! The what, the where, the with whom! And when a Saturday is a gorgeous fall one like today... MMMMM! I eat it up. Savor it. Even doing dishes, taking Darla for a walk, reading for class, running errands...... don't mind it. There is something about have a day to choose. There is freedom.

I think fall may be turning into my favorite. I like to call it autumn. Poetic, you know.

Tonight I went to a women's game night with the Journey ladies. It was great! You know, showing up at a random person's house, playing games, trying to form a small circle of acquaintances in a huge church of faces. My community group starts up next week. Yay! And I'm helping out with that block party next Friday in the city.

Sometimes Matt & I go for a while without communicating. Sometimes logistically we just miss each other for a day or two with schedules and timing and exhaustion. And then sometimes we are on the phone for a while only to hang up frustrated or exasperated. I know he is under stress and transition and dealing with change. I know on the phone I can tend to wander and get so sleepy. The simplest things get so wearing when you're so far apart. Sometimes the distance is more than just 1500 miles- we are so separate. Our lives don't cross naturally day in and day out like "normal" relationships. It's disconcerting. Wanting to know and share everything -- it's overwhelming to rely on a phone call once every night (if we're lucky) to get it all done. Sometimes looking back on old pictures and journal entries, reminiscing, I just miss him. I miss us.

You are a Considerate Leader.

2007-09-24T14:40:00.000-05:00

personalDNA.com
. . .
about you

. . .
You are a Leader

Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.
You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.
Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture.
You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.
Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.
Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.
The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.
Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.
You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
There's more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things.

You are Considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.
You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
Your close friends know you as a good listener.

If you want to be different:
Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

Osceola/Memphis

2007-09-24T12:07:00.000-05:00

After work Friday Charity & I drove about four hours to Osceola, Arkansas. My old buddy from college, Corky, has been working there as a Main Street town planner. I think it sounds really interesting-- planning, organizing, revitalizing, developing a community. Good in theory, I think, but Corky ran into small town politics and all that jazz... blech.

Saturday we drove to Memphis and spent the day walking and touring around. Saw "3:10 to Yuma" - pretty good. The Western is back! We walked Beale Street. We saw the famous ducks at the Peabody and even returned at 5pm to watch them march on the red carpet and up the elevator to their penthouse sweet to retire until the next morning... but there were a few hundred people there before us, so we were not able to actually see the ducks waddle off.

At Corky's bachelor pad (a newly renovated and cozy servant quarter/guest house behind a farm house) we watched a lot of Arrested Development. On our way home Sunday, Charity & I stopped at Lamberts' -- Home of the Throwed Rolls!! I love that place. Glutton's delight :)

I've enjoyed these past two weekends traveling and visiting old friends. Don't worry, Linny, I'm trying to decide on a weekend to hit McDonough Co.!

I found $208 roundtrip tickets to Boston in about a month for a long weekend with Mattie... but I just checked and my midterm is over that time. BOO! We were thinking about catching a bus to New York City for the weekend. Sigh. Maybe I can find cheap tickets for him to fly to Missouri for his Thanksgiving break. Being alone in a big city when all the students fly home isn't ideal.

Dr. Hipps - so hip!

2007-09-20T11:52:00.000-05:00

I had my first visit to the girlie doctor yesterday. Yes, that one. My doctor didn't make a big deal that I was 23 and just now having my first checkup. That made me feel better since I had heard on NPR that all women should go annually once they turn 21 and some places online said by age 18 (and of course immediately if you are sexually active). I was also concerned that she wouldn't believe me that I was not sexually active, and more than that, had never had sex... but she took me at my word. Some of my friends felt like their doctors thought they were trying to cover it up. No, it's weird, but true.

At least for me, my experience wasn't bad at all. Supposedly it helps if you wear tampons. It was uncomfortable and, well, weird, but it wasn't painful. But still it's like, your hand is where?!

Plus my doctor was so sweet and nice (and on time!?!?)-- I recommend her to everyone! She explained everything and was so sweet and very supportive. Plus her name is Dr. Hipps -- what a great name for ob-gyn! Like my old dentist's name: Dr. Gentles :-)

I got in there right in time because today my little red friend came to visit.... and I feel horrible. Maybe I should have tried to explain more indepth about how bad my cramps are every month. She suggested calcium suppliments - has anyone else heard that?

What everyone wanted to hear about, I'm sure! Does anyone have any good stories or horror stories of their womanly visits?

girls weekend

2007-09-17T12:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, it was a great weekend. I had not hung out with Margaret much, but we just cannot figure out why! She's such an upbeat, talkative, zany person. It was a great group, the four of us. We spent a majority of our time just talking and catching up and one evening we spent hanging onto Alexis' honest words about marriage... the real, honest, painful and yet beautiful parts of marriage we all agreed for some reason aren't discussed. Alexis has vowed that her life is open for the sharing; if anyone wants to know anything about her faith or marriage or anything, albeit personal, she will try as hard as she can to do so- her vulnerability shows such strength.

It was SO good to just talk! We had some of the best conversation. Alexis, Margo & I all said how much this weekend of girl-talk did for us since we don't have much of it usually (Laurie does girltalk for a living as an intern with Cru). It's so uplifting and cleansing to be honest, ask tough questions, share your insides, and integrate God into it for real. I'm not good at opening up, but spurred on by Margaret & Alexis' vulnerability and openness, I felt no pressure and thus shared myself as well. I am always impressed and jealous of some people's ability to share and open themselves up and invite people in.

Things have changed... but indeed somethings stay the same. We are our good old crazy selves, launching into song or dance or quotage or just ridiculous comments.

But other things seem strange, disconcerting. In my mind Alexis hasn't aged; she's still the off-the-wall, crazy, fiery freshman I danced around a dorm room to "76 Trombones" with five years ago. Alexis and Justin own a beautiful, unique house! They put aside money every month for their children's education to pass on the best gift their parents gave to them. The foresight and responsibility used there is just impressive! Justin and Alexis are such opposites, personality-wise. They are such an interesting, strange, amazing balance of passion and practicality, left and right brains, emotional charge and thought-out patience. It really works well. She is maturing and being shaped, as hard and painful as that can be, especially for someone as fiery and passionate as her.

Margaret has been dating Warren for almost a year now, but already have spectacular communication and just seem to mesh. And they know it, too. Alexis eerily prophesied a couple years ago to Margaret: "Margaret, you and Natalie are the same in that you are beautiful and are a little different and the boys here in Missouri just don't get your kinds. You are both beautiful and intelligent and strong women, but I know you guys are going to end up with someone outside of Missouri after college. You all are going to just have to wait to meet the right one." We both ended up finding guys at Mizzou but they are a different kind and are both on the East coast now. As Margaret said, that Alexis is a sage beyond her years.

Also, I tended to lust after Alexis' job. She works in nonprofit for Nazarene Compassion Ministries International doing PR and media/advertising and communications for this humanitarian organization. Friday she leaves for a week in Africa covering the AIDS/HIV relief the organization is doing there. Sigh! Wowzers! Sigh...

Kansas City

2007-09-14T10:57:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I will be driving to Columbia, picking up two lovely ladies by the names of Laurie & Margaret, and then will head a couple more hours west to Oleathe, KS. My old college roommate, Alexis, and her husband, Justin, just bought a beautiful house. Justin is going to Chicago tomorrow for the Chiefs - Bears football game (that sounds so awesome!) so it is officially a GIRLS WEEKEND!

Alexis & I, random roommates freshmen year, were perfect. Personality-wise we were different, but we were absolutely ridiculously crazy together. Random was our middle name. I don't know how many bizarre inside jokes we have. We even started a book to keep track of things we did/things that happened to us: "Alexis & Natalie's Book of Randomness." We found Laurie and were the three muskateers in college... us going to Eva J's for dinner every night in the dorms, us vs. the other roommates at the TGS house, making horrible creations at craft nights, us and our crazy sorority.

Well, then I went to Chile and when I came back Alexis & Justin were inseparable. Laurie & I became pretty inseparable. And now we're all separated.

I miss my girls. Nothing will be the same again. We've grown apart, chosen different paths, don't always understand each other.... but I can assure you that sometime this weekend we will get a short feeling of "man, some things never change."

A new school year

2007-09-13T15:34:00.000-05:00

Fine! Adoring public... here I am!

First, I am really looking forward to the coziness of fall. There's something in the air... the crisp air is getting me excited. Not sure why. Usually fall makes me sad because warmness is leaving.

I have continued attending the Journey. Some weeks I will go and not see anyone, some weeks I am overwhelmed by the amount of people, mostly if not all from Mizzou, that I see and want to reconnect with. But every week I learn and worship and gather some strength and perspective to keep going. It's a beautiful church. Supposedly our pastor and Donald Miller are BFFs.

"Love God. Connect People. Transform the World." We're taking St. Louis first!

I'm getting my first chances to get involved. Like a lot of things, everything kind of starts again in fall. I emailed a random guy and will be helping & cleaning up a block party October 5th in downtown STL near Forest Park to meet and reach a new neighborhood. I just signed up yesterday for a small group which will meet Thursdays at 7pm in UCity (where I would love to move after this lease is up). I'm so pumped to know a core group of people and discuss and challenge each other about the sermons. With a church this big, the leaders emphasize small groups as how you will connect and build your family in Christ. I hope I find some wonderful, godly, fun people -- I'm pumped to widen my circle. It's so freaking hard to meet people in "the real world."

I went to an info meeting for St. Louis Young Life... that's a big commitment. You're going after, hunting down, and befriending disinterested high schoolers. I like Young Life in that it's not just another youth group or clique for already churched-to-death teens. The only schools that they're at are in the wealthiest high schools in St. Louis county... I wondered how this happened. I had never even heard of YL until I went to college. They are beginning at one "urban" (that's what they call it!) high school this fall. It'd be good experience, a taste of what I'd be getting into with Teach for America. I wish the the eight weeks of info meetings were at a better time --I'm out of town and will have to miss at least 2/8 of the info meetings, plus I would have to skip Iglesia for the rest... sheesh...

Jen and I want to volunteer at a foster home where we would hang out with a room of foster care girls once a week, help with homework, provide some guidance and fun... While reading the Bible with God's command to especially take care of the orphan and the widow, I realized I didn't think I knew an orphan and went in search. Hopefully the lady will call me back soon...

I'm trying to think and pray this through. I don't want to overcommit but it's so hard when I'm like "so much to do! so much needs to be done!" Doing lots excites me. I feel best when I'm busy and on the go!

After I had started my job, I realized how on-the-go I had been for eight years. Literally like commitments all day, living by my planner to tell me where I was going....ALL through high school and college. Post-college I realized how much I had been doing and wondered if I was fulfilled... after being out of it for so long, I know I do need to make room for more rest than I was aloting myself in the old days, but I think I have come to the conclusion that it's how I'm wired.

Also.... grad school starts next week! Mondays 6-9pm this semester. Gotta love those 14-hour days. This semester: Equity Markets. I will have to actively "manage" a $500,00 portfolio. It's going to be challenging but interesting, I think.

Usually I have time at work to update everyday. I think I will try to. This one got a little out of control.

Leaving Microsoft to Change the World

2007-09-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

I just got an email that "A Thousand Splendid Suns" is now available for me at the library! Woo! I have heard some people say that this one is better than "The Kite Runner" but I can't imagine how that could be.

I am reading "Leaving Microsoft to Change the World: an Entrepreneur's Odyssey to Educate the World's Children". It is very inspiring. A guy left a high-status, glamorous, expatriate lifestyle as an executive in Microsoft to work full-time bringing schools and libraries and books to developing countries. !!!!!!!

He used the same reasoning that I roll around in my head... sure, there would be a hole for a few months and I'd let down my team and bosses and my friends and family wouldn't understand but I would be replaced in a few months and forgotten. People will always line up to do my job. Not everyone will line up to do this*. What is the point of having an education and so many privileges if you keep them to yourself to become fatter and richer and smarter? How distressingly selfish. Can you imagine being so thirsty to learn and read as those in the stories he shares? The developing world values such crazy things that we over here in the west have forgotten still have innumerable worth. How can everything, everything be taken for granted as the US has learned so well?

*what my this is, I am still trying to figure out....

Quick Update

2007-09-11T11:31:00.001-05:00

I just got an email that "A Thousand Splendid Suns" is now available for me at the library! Woo! I have heard some people say that this one is better than "The Kite Runner" but I can't imagine how that could be.

I am reading "Leaving Microsoft to Change the World: an Entrepreneur's Odyssey to Educate the World's Children". It is very inspiring. A guy left a high-status, glamorous, expatriate lifestyle as an executive in Microsoft to work full-time bringing schools and libraries and books to developing countries. !!!!!!!

He used the same reasoning that I roll around in my head... sure, there would be a hole for a few months and I'd let down my team and bosses and my friends and family wouldn't understand but I would be replaced in a few months and forgotten. People will always line up to do my job. Not everyone will line up to do this*. What is the point of having an education and so many privileges if you keep them to yourself to become fatter and richer and smarter? How distressingly selfish. Can you imagine being so thirsty to learn and read as those in the stories he shares? The developing world values such crazy things that we over here in the west have forgotten still have innumberable worth. How can everything, everything be taken for granted as the US has learned so well?

*what my this is, I am still trying to figure out....

//I decided to integrate my two blogs but I can't copy over the comments//

2 comments:
lindsay corinn said...
love it! more! dream God's dreams!

September 13, 2007 8:22 PM
T. Brandon Lane said...
When are you going to tell us about more books!?

December 3, 2007 11:44 AM

The Kite Runner

2007-08-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

I heard about the author, Khaled Hosseini, on NPR when he read an excerpt from his new book, "A Thousand Splendid Suns". I was intrigued. I love stories that weave history into them so I learn about a culture and the events and politics of another place and time. I am still #356 on a waiting list through the St. Louis Library for "A Thousand Splendid Suns" but "The Kite Runner" came in within a few weeks of requesting it.

I picked it up and couldn't put it down. It was story-telling at its best. This is a first-person narrative of a privileged Afghan boy named Amir growing up right before the overthrow of the monarchy in Afghanistan and the years of devestation that followed... and continue to follow to this day. His best friend is actually his servant, Hassan, a Hazara, which is a discriminated, mainly Shia, ethnic minority in Afghanistan.

The book is beautifully written. It's very real and powerful. It's one of those that even when you're not reading it, you're thinking about the characters, replaying the events, and wondering what will happen next. As I said, it's very real. It's not an easy story... it's very harsh and gripping. Tears came to my eyes several times. I think because one is able to identify with the weaknesses and struggles of the character of Amir wishing that he would choose differently but relating to his struggles with the power of our own weaknesses. And one can only wish to posess the loyalty and unconditional nature of Hassan. Not everything wraps up nicely. But it is a story of redemption. And I believe that is what makes it beautiful.

Matt just told me that they are making a movie based on the book. That's great... but I am a little worried. I hope they don't cheese it up. I hope people will still read this powerful book. But since it seems movies are a huge conduit to give people get a good dose of history or a concept of social issues, I hope it will get the word out of things that have happened and that are continuing to happen in our rosy world. But before I turn this into a post about the non-existence of any semblence of important or ongoing education in this country or the tiny world view of Americans (which I of course am also guilty of), I will say goodbye! And read this book if you have a chance! :)

////////////////////////////////////////////
1 comments:
lindsay corinn said...
i am definitely going to read that book sometime. thanks for the review. xo

September 13, 2007 8:21 PM

The Kite Runner

2007-08-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

I heard about the author, Khaled Hosseini, on NPR when he read an excerpt from his new book, "A Thousand Splendid Suns". I was intrigued. I love stories that weave history into them so I learn about a culture and the events and politics of another place and time. I am still #356 on a waiting list through the St. Louis Library for "A Thousand Splendid Suns" but "The Kite Runner" came in within a few weeks of requesting it.

I picked it up and couldn't put it down. It was story-telling at its best. This is a first-person narrative of a privileged Afghan boy named Amir growing up right before the overthrow of the monarchy in Afghanistan and the years of devastation that followed... and continue to follow to this day. His best friend is actually his servant, Hassan, a Hazara, which is a discriminated, mainly Shia, ethnic minority in Afghanistan.

The book is beautifully written. It's very real and powerful. It's one of those that even when you're not reading it, you're thinking about the characters, replaying the events, and wondering what will happen next. As I said, it's very real. It's not an easy story... it's very harsh and gripping. Tears came to my eyes several times. I think because one is able to identify with the weaknesses and struggles of the character of Amir wishing that he would choose differently but relating to his struggles with the power of our own weaknesses. And one can only wish to posess the loyalty and unconditional nature of Hassan. Not everything wraps up nicely. But it is a story of redemption. And I believe that is what makes it beautiful.

Matt just told me that they are making a movie based on the book. That's great... but I am a little worried. I hope they don't cheese it up. I hope people will still read this powerful book. But since it seems movies are a huge conduit to give people get a good dose of history or a concept of social issues, I hope it will get the word out of things that have happened and that are continuing to happen in our rosy world. But before I turn this into a post about the non-existence of any semblance of important or ongoing education in this country or the tiny world view of Americans (which I of course am also guilty of), I will say goodbye! And read this book if you have a chance! :)

Stormy Craziness

2007-08-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

We had a HUGE storm last night go over St. Louis. The thunder was deafening. I woke up, laid listening to the booming thunder, blinking at the lightning blinding me every couple seconds. All of a sudden I sat upright in a panic -- I think I left the windows down on my car!!!

By the sound of the downpour, I didn't think it would make any difference to close them now. The storm was passing on to scare children in another suburb now. After pondering a few more minutes I got up, put on some flipflops and went outside -- WOW, 10 minutes after the fierce of the storm was gone, it was still raining torrents! I ran out to my car, felt the window -- completely sealed up. I laughed about how crazy I looked, running in the middle of the night thru a dangerous storm to touch my car and run back into my apartment.

Ah, school days! I am so envious. I am still getting invited to beginning of the school year parties at Mizzou- gosh, I miss it. Why does life post-college suck so bad???

I saw a little girl with a shiny backpack being fussed over by a doting mother, camera in hand in my apartment complex this morning when I left for work. I think it was her first day of school! I was staring, reminscing and she saw and looked back. I waved warmly at her like a crazy old lady. I would switch you in a heartbeat, second grader!

oh sweet vacation

2007-08-03T11:25:00.000-05:00

I am going to Boston August 17 -27th. YAY!

After this 50+ hour work week I need it.

Ugggg I think I am developing stress headaches.

For now, oh sweet weekend.... come! Leave all this behind....

Dinner

2007-08-01T11:51:00.000-05:00

Joel finishes his internship and moves back to Columbia this week, so he finally came over to make Jen & I the feast he has been promising all summer. Honey mustard chicken, asparagus with a honey mustard glaze, delicious corn with onions for flavor, and dinner rolls... and he even brought some Fitz's root beer! He is single, ladies!

I volunteered to make the dessert and slaved away on a carrot cake from scratch including the frosting! It was a lot of work (especially shredding the carrots -- note of advice, don't use baby carrots...) but it was good. I want to do a little tweaking to the frosting recipe...more cream cheese, me thinks.

I enjoy cooking. I didn't grow up doing it. I just wish I had a little more free time. Usually after a 9-10 hour day the last thing I feel like doing is preparing a nice meal. But it's strangely relaxing, too...

Chicago!

2007-07-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

Charity & I drove up to Chicago this past weekend. Ah, how I love that city!

Have you ever crashed a bridal shower? Well, Friday night Charity & I did. Bah! Linny asked if we'd pick her up from the suburb of Bolingbrook where she was at Sharon's shower. I hadn't seen Sharon since we were in Linny & Keith's wedding together 3 years ago. And she's marrying a groomsman from their wedding - how perfect! I love bridal showers...the silly games and gifts and food and girl chatter and jokes and sexy presents ;) but I still felt awkward not being invited and all... I joke, it wasn't bad and I was glad to see Sharon & wish her & Andrew well.

We drove into the city around 10pm, up Lake Shore Drive for a sweet view of Chicago at night. Meredith & Nate welcomed us into their cute little apartment with open arms. We watched "Flight of the Conchord." BAH! Oh so ridiculous.

Saturday probably walked 20 miles. I don't really know - I'm bad at estimating. But we were exhausted and sore. We took the El to visit Mere at her boutique! And then down to the Loop where Linny showed us Elite, her modeling agency, and the Rock'n'Roll McDonalds. Lunch was at Geno's, yummy Chicago Deep Dish. Then we hit the Magnificent Mile!!! Walked all up and down and to Millenium Park to look at "the bean". We headed to State Street and each of us bought something at the three-story Forever 21. I <3 deals. We grabbed sandwiches and met Meredith & Ashley in the pavilion in Millenium Park to listen to the works of Leonard Bernstein.

It turned out to be a fantastic girls night... music in the park followed by a ridiculous romp trying to get to Navy Pier. Meredith, I'll leave that story for you to tell! We tried to visit a model friend at a ritzy seafood restaurant and Ashley peeled an older woman off the sidewalk who tripped and nursed her back to health. We found legitimate bathrooms at Navy Pier and bought some yummy nuts to watch the fireworks.

Sunday we went to Mere & Nate's church in the suburbs where they lead worship & help with the youth. After a silly lunch with Mr. Onion Roll Man, Charity & I said our goodbyes and trekked to IKEA! I LOVE IKEA! Unfortunately the closest one to me is this one that was 5 hours away. Oh well. I got a muffin tin, magazine holder, dish scrubbie, and canvas bag so now I can be like those environmentalist ladies who bring their own bag to the grocery store! Love it!

Thanks for guiding us around! And thank you for your loving hospitality!! I thank God for this family of believers. Our apartment is open in St. Louis anytime...!

Wedding Weekend

2007-07-19T11:53:00.000-05:00

I got to spend the weekend with my sweetheart! He flew in a week ago and spent the day with my mom - yay! We went to a cute outdoor restaurant in old town Florissant for dinner. I took the day off Friday and we went to Grant's Farm and picked up his tux before the rehearsal and dinner. The groomsmen got beersteins with their name and "groomsman" engraved on the mug- they were a hit and used the rest of the weekend. The girls, in addition to jewelry, got cute white jackets with their name and "bridesmaid" embroidered in bright pink- what a cute idea! (mental note taken)

That night we hung out with the wedding party, set up the reception hall, and went to a tiny country bar (we were in the middle of nowhere, MO... Catawissa was the name of the village) for drinks, jukebox singing, and pool. I drove 45 min. home at that point but the guys went to a random lady's pond and stripped down to their boxers for a 2am swim. Matt had such a great time with his old friends... they are a crazy but great group. And Josh & Jenny were so grateful that Matt flew in for the weekend to stand up with them. I am, too!

It was a small wedding- less than 100 people. Josh & Jenny had two receptions because Jenny's family is strict Baptist (no drinking or dancing!) so the first reception was in the church basement with cake and appetizers (what happened to those simple receptions in the church basement right after the ceremony?? There is something lacking from these production-based ceremonies and receptions...) The groomsmen did quite a number on Josh's car. Besides the usual cans trailing behind and writing on the windows, they dumped two trashbags full of packing peanuts in Josh's tiny car. Josh thought it was great... before he saw the peanuts... They took beautiful pictures at the lake behind Jenny's parents' house (see facebook!) and then onto the next reception! Dinner & dancing. And boy, the wedding party and I danced until they shut it down on us. :-)

Matt & I said our goodbyes to the party. The next morning we went to the Journey, which I hope will be my new church, and Iglesia. We ate kabobs with my parents and watched "Wedding Crashers" (how appropriate!) That night we stopped by Creve Coeure Lake so he can picture me there when I tell him I'm there journaling or walking. We shared a tub of Ben & Jerry's. The next morning we got up EARLY so he was at the airport by 5:30. And it was over.

Sigh. He's back to German, I'm back to work. I hope to visit for a week or ten days in September maybe. (the maid of honor was from Boston and said I had to come for apple picking!--it's the only "country" thing she does and it's great! Needless to say, she was a bit in shock of small town midwest culture for a few days :)

Mattie and I are both praying that we will seek God, that He will make things clear to us, and that we will enjoy the ride and purpose of this season. I'm trying to work on communication and being vulnerable. Pray for us, too, please. I need more of God fo sho.

blast from the past

2007-07-11T15:33:00.001-05:00

So I was googling the name "nataliemma," which is my common logon in the online world, and discovered an old website that I had made maybe my sophomore year of college. It's mostly of pictures and cheesy captions. And what is up with that introduction paragraph- what a weirdo! Man, I am cool. I will post this for posterity. Am I earning more nerd points by the minute?? :-/

http://nataliemma.tripod.com

Linds, do you remember our gurlpages???

Heck yes, Harry Potter!

2007-07-11T14:26:00.001-05:00

I know a lot of people think that Harry Potter is lame (muggles!!) and some think it even evil... but I have to admit that I think the entire series and magical world are wonderful, enchanting and so creative.

Alas, Joel convinced me to see the 12:05AM showing last night, so I guess that gives me a few nerd points. I only got about four hours of sleep before starting a new workday. But I mean, I've got to have my priorities.

I want to cover myself and just put this out there to save my cool blogger reputation: I am not obsessed. I didn't even think to dress up like a wizard or witch or bring a drumstick as a wand to the theater last night (I wish I would have...) I have not ordered the final book coming out later this month. I don't own any of the books or movies (I mooch the books off of my neighbors' kids). I have only read each book and seen each movie once and am still not clear on the characters, twisting plots, and misc. magical intricacies. I would like to read them again; they are extremely well-written, fast-paced, awesome... but I don't know if I'll ever get the time for that. And if I do begin to reread them, I will pretty much have to forfeit my life until I finish because I simply cannot put them down. Some people (i.e. Matt) disagree.

The newest movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is the best movie yet. The last book is coming out this month--oh, they grow up so fast!! *sentimental*

The Journey

2007-06-26T09:27:00.000-05:00

I checked out a new church downtown on Sunday morning. It's called The Journey. I l o v e d i t.

I still don't know what came over me to try it. I woke up, it popped into my mind, I assumed I would contentedly sit alone and see what all the fuss is about. Plus, it is a couple blocks from La Iglesia which I help with on Sundays; I could do both.

I get out of my car, take a few steps and hear "Natalie???" It is Gwen, from the dorms freshman year who I haven't seen since. We chat for a bit when a car pulls up and someone yells, "Natalie, what are you doing here?!?" Emma from Cru at Mizzou!

(side note: as we are chatting, suddenly my head is yanked backwards -- my hair has been snarled in a tree. And I couldn't just tug it free - it was snarled... why do the most awkward things happen to me??? I feel like, was it Absolom, who had that beautiful hair and when he was riding into battle got it snarled in a tree and the enemy found him hanging and killed him? ok, weird.)

Inside there is stinking Ryan Krull from Mizzou! Cory Miller, who is in med school at SLU, runs up to us! So much for being alone. Already that is more people than I know at my parents' church that I've been going to for almost a year.

The worship music is simple and beautiful- a guitar and a djimbe (and an egg shaker!) You can actually hear the congregation singing-- I love that! You know how you can never hear anyone singing over the band? yeah, I'm tired of that.

The building is a beautiful old catholic church right across from Tower Grove Park in south city on Kingshighway, which they bought and remodeled when they needed more room (they've grown from 30 people in 2002 to over 1300 members now). Simple, beautiful, with pews and stained glass (I miss the stained glass in all those 'modern' churchees).

The pastor is young. The congregation is mostly young. It is packed. Casual. Modern. Good sermon on the holy spirit as they prepare to discuss spiritual gifts through July. They are into community, worship, beauty, service, ministry. It's beautiful. They have community groups doing BBQs this summer until Bible study restart in the fall.

It's pretty much what I have wanted to find in a church. And I just "accidently" stumbled upon it. Sometimes in the churches that I agree with the most, the members are so sheltered and conservative that I feel like I would never actually see them in real life, in the real world, impacting a real community. And then on the other side, some churches I feel are just empty. But the people here are real (and young!); I felt like I automatically belonged. Then I saw more people I knew in the service video... what the heck, this is St. stinking Louis, a city... how did I recognize so many people in a random place??

I don't know why it hit me so strong... maybe that I've been wandering, not feeling spiritually filled, lacking community, missing singing my heart out, rough days, finally journaling and talking through things with God just earlier that morning... but it just hit me right. Maybe I'll find out I was swept away in emotion and it's not so perfect (gasp!), but Sunday I felt good. It lifted me. And I am still excited a few days later! I felt maybe if God had led me there I wasn't wandering so alone and maybe He still had some things for me. I haven't felt that in a while.

I wish I could go back soon, but this week is Cornerstone, the next week Iglesia is doing all the services at our sponsor church... but the next week Matt will be here!!!!! and he is excited to check it out after he heard my enthusiasm.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him for the journey.

Sometimes at work, I die of boredom.

2007-06-19T13:14:00.000-05:00

I end up doing very weird things like jumping jacks in the bathroom stalls or creating facebook profiles for inflatable friends (add Sharkie McSharkerson as your friend!) or trying to hold in my laughter until I sound like a dying horse when I look at old pictures (especially of dear Corky Keating). Or I go into ultra-organizing-my-life-and-others' mode where I used to search for apartments in Boston for Matt creating intricate excel spreadsheets of characteristics and plotting them on maps to know how close they would be to the T or bus stop. Or creating budgeting plans for myself and my roommate complete with pie charts and year-to-date totals. Or I begin planning my life years in advance... I make memos to myself of what annoys me about weddings that I definitely do NOT want to be in mine, list characteristics of houses I like, fill out a mortgage calculator to find out what kind of house I can afford, list reminders of things I want my future family to do/be like, compile ways to organize your home office, or helpful hints in planning a dinner or cocktail party. I investigate toxic shock syndrome and nuclear energy on wikipedia, have fallen in love with thenest.com, read nearly every article on organization on Real Simple magazine's website, and shopped for multiple friends' weddings thanks to theknot.com. I won't even mention my intense facebook stalking... I'm creepy.

Maybe it's time to ask my boss for more work.

But it's just a cycle. A monthly cycle. Because then some weeks I work 12 hour days and occassionally forget to eat or go home. Ahhhh!!!!!!

So.... what can you do? What's up? I just want to help people, but other than trying to give my money away, I'm not exactly on the most efficient track for doing that. Besides, it's too easy and detached to throw money at things-- I desperately want to fix the system. Anywho, I know that people need their company's retirement pension accounts managed, and I'm good at my job (clearly too efficient)... I ponder the meaning of work, the meaning of life, what difference I could make, the many pitfalls of capitalism (and then ponder the irony that my job depends on that shady system). Once again, I look like a quintessential young professional grad student on the outside, but I can't just turn off my concious, sense of responsibility as a global neighbor & sister in Christ... I don't want to be just another ignorant American producer and consumer in the system.

I took a quiz via facebook today that said I tied between being an engineering and art major. What?! I am intensely left and right brained, easy-going yet a detailed perfectionist, creative and bohemian yet systematic and thought-out, love pondering the ideal world of the big and small picture... blah, so? So? So what good are these gifts??? How can I change the world with this? Meh!!!! ::frustration::

Woohoo! Collateral summary is ready! That will provide me with about 5 minutes of work... maybe I will encounter a problem and it will take me a whole 30 minutes to solve it! Oooooh!

Projects

2007-06-04T21:33:00.001-05:00

Today, second business day of the month, was rough. I probably should have gone in early, but I ended up working about 11 hours anyway. I didn't stop to eat breakfast and barely took a break to run and get some food before planting myself in front of my computer again. I hate it when I feel incompetent, when I don't know how to do something, or when I do something wrong. Immediately I think "I hate my job!!!!" but then at the end of the day I had conquered an imposing mountain of a to-do list, sent out my last report around 6:30 and felt good, accomplished, proud of myself. I can handle it.

I'm trying to get back into praying... most of my spiritually disciplines have been sucky mc suckerson. Ok, all of my spiritual disciplines. :(

Anywho, I came home and heated up the last of the pancakes I had made for Matt & I yesterday for breakfast. I listened to Watermark: A Grateful People. This CD is AMAZING. I just love it. I usually listen to it while cooking or cleaning in the evenings and I feel it's kind of my album as an independent, working young adult. I read a chapter of "The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide."

Then I went for a walk. I try to take a different route every day, even if it's just cutting between a different apartment building or taking a different path around that complex's pool. Today I cut back by the trees up along a ridge behind all the apartments in our area. I saw an overflowing dumpster on the horizon. As I neared, I saw it was overflowing mostly with furniture and branches. My eye wandered to some patio furniture sticking up on the top of the pile. Hmmm.......

I pulled a chair out and sat down. Comfy. Better than the rickety, gross chairs we had on our porch as a present from our previous occupants. The chair was a little dirty with some mold & mildew stains. I poked with my finger nail and it came off -- oh, I was sold. All I needed was a little soap and water. I struggled to get another chair out of the heap and sat it down. The last one in the dumpster had some of the pieces across the back broken, so I was glad to find a nice pair. I heaved one over my head and took the hilly way home, giggling with joy at my find. I took another route back, anxious if someone else had taken advantage of my pulling the chair out of the dump. I peaked around the corner and oh no! A guy was watching his dog sniff in the field and sauntered over to my chair and sat down looking content. Oh no you don't!! I mumbled. I continued on my usual path, wondering if he was going to keep it for himself.

I took the short path back anxious to know the fate of my second chair... would I be stuck with a lone seat? I wanted a pair!! I turned the corner, climbed the hill, searching the horizon.....where was it!? Wait! Someone had moved it to the far side of the dumpster, hiding it from plain view. Oh no you don't! I glanced around, hoisted it over my shoulder, and carried it home, wondering if someone was going to be disappointed I had found their hiding space.

I was excited and decided to put my enthusiasm to cleaning my chairs. I filled a bucket with a water and baking soda. I sprayed them down and scrubbed away, listening to my neighbors in the building over chattering away in happy Spanish. The brownish mildew gunk disappeared and I felt proud admiring my find and my elbow grease.

I like projects like this. When I say I wish I didn't have to work, it's not to watch TV or sleep all day.... it's to do projects, improve my cooking, write letters, take classes, visit farmers' markets, and volunteer wherever I can be of assistance. Ah well... maybe someday I'll be independently wealthy. Or well-married. ha, whatev. Until then.... it's long, hard days with some happy, little projects in the evenings.

babies everywhere!

2007-05-30T15:55:00.000-05:00

My old youth leader, Elizabeth "Liz", and her husband and two young boys moved back to St. Louis in the last month. My family had them over for dinner last night. It was so good to see her and her ultra-peppy, talkative, always so fun with great stories self! I miss her. I'm so glad for all of the memories and talks I have had with her. I can't believe she's the mother of two wild boys and drives a mini-van! She can't believe Joel & I have grown up. It's weird disconnecting from people-- as she says, people don't age in your memories-- it's a time warp to reunite.

Her boys were so cute! I got to hold and play the littlest one most of the night -- he was a big ole boy! One of the fattest babies I've ever seen! And Liz is SO tiny!

It was so cute to watch my parents play with them, too. My mom whisked the older one off to the trampoline and jumped with him. And my dad was absolutely adorable with the baby, just talking and holding and playing with him.

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd hung out with a baby. I seriously cannot remember....years?? That makes me sad. I've never had a lot of babies around with my cousins far away or older. They're so fun and quirky and loveable, even when fussy.

That's all. Just wanted to say babies are neat! I want one! (I told Matt that in a voicemail last night and he said he was so shocked he began talking back to my message. heh heh just like keeping him on his toes...!)

without words

2007-05-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

What if you don't know what to say anymore? Someone's intermittent sadness and negativity and self-deprecation is so depressing. You finally get it out of her what she's upset about... and you have nothing to say. Anything sounds trite, she's heard it all before....

*Being in a relationship won't change your life, attitude, or happiness.

*You're beautiful and loved.

*You're doing so well being strong... Don't renew your friendship with him although I know you're lonely and it's easy and comfortable to you. You've got to heal, get to know yourself, and fight those weaknesses that got you into that drawn-out situation in the first place. I'm sorry it's so hard.

*Stop feeding your emotions and negativity! Take every thought captive to the lordship of Jesus Christ....

She knows these things... but they're not truth in her life, they haven't sunk in. It doesn't make sense to me, but for some reason through nurture and/or nature I sometimes feel like the lone girl with this weird easy-going, "oh well, let's move on to something we can control" practicality. I wish I could relate better. I know it's hard for her, I know she's trying... sometimes her emotions just get the best of her.

If I tell her that someone thinking you're special won't really change your life or outlook or happiness, it just sounds like something someone already in a relationship would say.

So I wander away lamely. Blah...

skipping

2007-05-23T18:26:00.000-05:00

Today I left work at 2:30pm. It was so freeing! I just never see daylight on a weekday unless it's before 8am or after 5pm. There's something depressing for me knowing exactly where I will be from 8-5 every single Monday through Friday for...ever. Sometimes I feel so confined I just want to burst. I feel so bored out of my gourd I just want shriek. Throw my rolly chair out the window and fly away :) ...that's a little extreme.

Although my roommie, Jen, a nurse working three 12-hour nights a week, hates her unreliable, opposite-of-the-world schedule, I envy her. She can set herself up to be off for a week at a time- without taking any vacation! I can't even grasp that. She can volunteer during the days, grocery shop when it's not packed, and leave town without being stuck in rush hour. Not to mention never wake up before 10am.

Oh, and the reason I had to leave early today: a dentist appointment. Pretty wild and free, I know. :-D

Long-distance

2007-05-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

I came into work early this morning so I can leave early and hopefully beat a little of the rush hour out of the city. I'm excited to get to Columbia tonight and spend the evening with Mattie. I saw him last weekend for about the hour I sat next to him at Chili's with all the family and friends after the graduation ceremony. We probably average seeing each other every 2-3 weeks or so. I hope he'll spend a week here in St. Louis before he leaves for Boston. My parents offered to pay him to paint the barn and how great would an entire week together be? We haven't been together more than three days in a row since I left Columbia last July. This distance for ten months has already made us cherish our time together. I guess it has been good practice for him moving to Boston so soon.

Still, a two hour drive a few weekends a month is quite a difference from a plane ride a few times a year. It's a different mindset. We won't be able to randomly get weekends for football games or family things or parties or weddings. It's not "I'll have to see if I can get Matt to drive over for this" but thinking more in terms of going places alone or with my friends in St. Louis. Like, I was going to see if I could save my awesome 7th row free tickets for the Cards game until the Cards play the Royals in late June... but then found out that Matt may have already moved. So I took Jen a couple weekends ago - it was a wonderful time! But it's hard to think about someone you want to spend all of your time with playing an even smaller role in your day-to-day life.

One of his friends handed him a graduation present when he sat down in church last weekend -- a book: "How to Survive Long Distance Relationships". Nathan's long distance relationship hadn't quite worked out, so he thought he may as well pass the book along to Matt. Ha! Comforting... ;-)

Anyway, I don't have any real fears or worries. This isn't something I would worry about -- in a negative way. I am thinking about it to prepare myself for the pending differences and plan ways to keep close despite not seeing each other often. We already watched a TV show "together" (we watched an episode of Lost online while on the phone one night!), but we can also cook a meal together on the phone (an improvised date night?), I can send him CDs or pictures or care packages or collages or art work made from the goodies he gave me for Christmas. Just cute ideas that show I'm thinking of him, ways to improvise being together though a couple thousand miles apart.

And I have sixteen vacation days, eleven that I have to use by the end of the year. I'm excited to see Boston, maybe Cape Cod, New York City... I haven't been out there since I was little. That's fun.

I'm jealous Matt gets to move to a cool new city. I like change, new things and planning. I've spent hours looking over apartment listings for him, purusing the cheapest airfare, and figuring out the bus and subway system.

And I can't reiterate how proud and excited I am for him. His trip to visit Boston to attend the Harvard Divinity School welcome days were just so great for him-- he absolutely loved it. Some of his fears and uncertainties were lessened and he felt more comfortable, capable, and so ready to jump into the exciting program -- it wasn't as snooty, formal, and intimidating as he had feared. It's just so perfect for him. We're so blessed! Harvard! Bah!!

so blogspot, eh?

2007-05-17T11:13:00.000-05:00

I found during my daily wandering around facebook today, that my dear cousin and long-time friend, Lindsay, has a blogspot. I was wondering what happened to her in xanga-land, but was happy to be able to catch up on a bit of her life. For instance, she and her husband may be moving to New York City. What?!?!!? I was thrilled! But why are my closest people suddenly migrating East? Bizarre occurances. Anyway, Lindz, jump at the opportunity! That rocks. I still have trouble grasping how big of a modeling sensation you are. My lil' farm girl :)

I haven't been good at writing regularly at xanga. I feel like my entries there are more... entertainment, fun stories, randomness. I like to keep up with my many friends' lives, but not necessarily share and bore people to death. Maybe I'll type out some of my feelings here.

I've been reading an amazing book. It's called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. I love his writing style, life stories, and such a fresh look at life in Christ -- away from Christian society's lame confining control. We, American Christianity, have been so decieved. We have bought into disgusting lies about consumerism, power, affluence, and close mindedness. Some people of my friends have teasingly called me liberal, activist, etc. but I just want to get back to the core of Jesus. Talk about a liberal activist. But then I laugh at the seeming contradictions in my life. Liberal hippies don't work at investment firms. Oh well, everything is askew with stereotypes.

So when I say I'm trying to figure everything out... I literally am. When I say I don't have a clue where I'm supposed to be, what I should be doing... I don't. When I am confused by who I am, my passions and dreams and talents, what I want to spend my life doing, I am not exagerating my confused state. I somehow seem to have not really looked closely at the path I was heading down. And now, suddenly the insanity of movement, doing, involvement, running and reacting that has characterized my spastic, crazy (don't get me wrong - fun & happy, too!) life the last 6 years has died down. I sit bored, getting the life sucked out of me at my job wondering, how did I get here? Who would want to do this? What happened? Who am I?

Most of my hand written journal entries lately have been mostly questions, I think? :) And I'm not saying I think it's wrong to have an office job managing retirement pension plans for millions of people. No... and I'm not saying that I'm incredibly unhappy and depressed. I still enjoy life. haha! I'm just thinking and reflecting, on the path to eventually draw some conclusions. Getting more post-modern. Like, I shouldn't complain -- how many billions of people would love to have a job pushing papers in freaking America getting paid a living wage. I'm not saying my life is bad. It's just, maybe I could get a job to serve others to improve their living conditions. I just feel too comfortable. And arguably, I don't think that's a good place to be in as a Christian. It's become acceptable to be a comfortable, selfish Christian -- I don't want that fate for me. I want to be the change I want to see in the world!

Time for lunch. Crepes today :)

a few months later...

2006-12-05T19:55:00.000-06:00

Well, I ended up never checking Patrick's blogspot while he was in Alaska, which was the whole point of me starting this blog...since that glorious first post I am now back in St. Louis working full-time. I may start my MBA in spring semester - woot!

I like the style and layout of this one, but of course, my home is at xanga [ http://www.xanga.com/nataliemma ]. All of the blogs need to merge so I can keep up with all of my friends on various blogs.

Question for the masses: are you able to have "friends" or subcribe to friends' blogs? How? That would be handy. Thanks for your help.

Purpose

2006-05-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

The purpose of this blog is to keep up with my buddy P-tricky and comment on his beautiful thoughts.

I admit, I'm with the crowd at xanga: http://www.xanga.com/nataliemma but this place is designed very well. I dig it.

I love my Alaskan boys.