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Restlessness.
Wanderlust.
Discontent.
Wrestling.
Seeking.
Faith.
A scary combination. We'll see where I land. Abba..
Pray for me. I'm getting too comfortable, too easily content. It's a scary prayer but please God... mess with me.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, February 13, 2009
I got a vase filled with 6 red roses with baby's breath and ferns springing up around them. My Friday the 13th flowers :) There is one rose that is a good 4 inches taller than the rest. But the incongruity seems fitting.
It has been a difficult month and a half.
But.
God is faithful. Even when we're not. I have watched God provide from his glorious riches and it has reminded me that when we are the weakest, His strength is most apparent. And He can be most glorified. You'd think He like plans it this way...
I am exhausted but hanging on. Only by daily gifts and feeble attempts at prayer have I been able to be sustained. oh, grace. oh, come abide.
I trust. I haven't cried so much... ever. I'm just so tired of fighting. Myself. The darkness. My vain ideas of the way this "should" be.
And yet, this feeling of "the world ought not be like this!" "It's not supposed to be like this! I know it!" I find myself just praying for His Kingdom to come. Today. Through this. I pray for restoration! I pray for ::redemption::! For every tear to be wiped away, for every wrong to be righted.
I don't understand the why. Who benefits from this useless suffering? Can't it be accomplished some other way? Why??
I scream "just fix it! If you can, if you're able, do it! Restore! Give us back what has been taken!" Those philosophical debates on suffering never seemed close to me. Suddenly, life is flipped.
Be not far off.
You are our only sustainer. Our only restorer.
Even when we can't believe it.
Forgive our unbelief.
It has been a difficult month and a half.
But.
God is faithful. Even when we're not. I have watched God provide from his glorious riches and it has reminded me that when we are the weakest, His strength is most apparent. And He can be most glorified. You'd think He like plans it this way...
I am exhausted but hanging on. Only by daily gifts and feeble attempts at prayer have I been able to be sustained. oh, grace. oh, come abide.
I trust. I haven't cried so much... ever. I'm just so tired of fighting. Myself. The darkness. My vain ideas of the way this "should" be.
And yet, this feeling of "the world ought not be like this!" "It's not supposed to be like this! I know it!" I find myself just praying for His Kingdom to come. Today. Through this. I pray for restoration! I pray for ::redemption::! For every tear to be wiped away, for every wrong to be righted.
I don't understand the why. Who benefits from this useless suffering? Can't it be accomplished some other way? Why??
I scream "just fix it! If you can, if you're able, do it! Restore! Give us back what has been taken!" Those philosophical debates on suffering never seemed close to me. Suddenly, life is flipped.
Be not far off.
You are our only sustainer. Our only restorer.
Even when we can't believe it.
Forgive our unbelief.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
excerpts
My blog buddies, it has been some time! I didn't know where to begin and just got overwhelmed. I thought maybe I would share some excerpts from my handwritten journal. They may seem random...
Feb 3
Psalm 1 v3: (S)he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. I have always like the symbolism here comparing a righteous person to a thriving tree dependent and interconnected with its source of all life. Today the fact that such a tree 'yields fruit in its season' struck me. Probably because the theme of trust and waiting are so resonant in my churning, spinning life. I have been learning to desire to walk in the Spirit, to somehow be active yet not controlling. To allow the seasons and circumstances to come and to hold onto my plans and decisions very lightly. I don't have to rush winter (as if I can control that anyway!) with my desire to get to the gifts of spring--God will sustain!
Feb 4
I was hit today with a thought--what if my all my circumstances truly were circumstantial? What if I could stop obsessing over where I am supposed to be and just be? I am so conflicted, pulled by dreams and desires. If nothing in my life ever changes, could I be truly content w/God? So much is defined of me by what I DO. But the BEING...who do I want to be? Remind me, it is the process, the drawing near, the seeking... Lord, may I not seek the right choice, but You. Forgive my short-sightedness.
Feb 11
I saw a church sign today that read "If God guides, God will provide." It got me wondering, is the converse (would it be the converse statement?? Forgotten geometry proof terms...) true? If God provides (a houses, new job, etc) does that necessarily mean that He is guiding?
Feb 16
Why am I so weak? God, I trust you are working me out, sanctifying, preparing, maturing me into real relationships w/all people. I need the Holy Spirit to wash over me & bring me into all truth, to help me withstand he temptation to take the easy, non-confrontive, non-investing, non-vulnerable way out. ... forgive my mistakes...we didn't have a chance. It's over and I don't necessarily want a 2nd chance--I just want movement, I want to continue on this journey, I want to press on to take hold of all You have ahead of me. Remind me of the beauty, grace & persevering test of the promise. ***Your plans prevail; I can move in a smothering blanket of provision. Live, breathe, love deeply.***
Feb 18
Read "Perks of Being a Wallflower". Highly recommend it.
::infinite::
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"I'd die for you, but I won't live for you."
Feb 18
BFF Weekend was great. I love these girls. I love their beauty, humor, passions, unconditionality, artistic flair, indy-ness, spirituality, deepness. ... Some of the picture of my new life in Tacoma is just these things. Seeking depth, beauty, art. Sure, I can do those things here, practicality begs to remind me. But...I feel a need to break, a definite beginning/end, a chance, something to look back on even if it turns out to be a mistake, that at least I went, I risked, I pushed myself, I moved, I lived. :shrug: I feel my concentration on job, degrees, 'success', math & science, business has stunted my passions, inclinations, artistry, those things that make life worthwhile.
coffee drinker
book of poetry, verses, quotes
reading...the classics
thrifting, clothes swaps - no retail?
rain boots
cooking for people
music_rue royale
relationships - go! honesty, communication
mornings w/God, invitation to life
honesty>>poignant Q's>>truth
mini-canvases
piano/guitar
visit Linny & Keith
beauty_art_dress
postcards, gifts, clothes
Feb 20
He [is] restoring my heart happier, stronger than ever. Growing my relations w/others, drawing near to Him, clearing the way to my hopes & dreams, inspiring my heart, showing my weakness...the Holy Spirit is at work. And I rejoice!
Feb 23
My parents--so good & supportive whatever my decision. They want me to fly & be so happy. They are great people. ...
I attended the Perks of Being a Wallflower book club at the Journey. I shared the least in the group, but did well for me. May I con't to face my insecurities, take risks necessary to grow. Thanks for the road You have me on.
Mar 1
"Forgiveness" without talking, working through... that's not forgiveness. There is no restoration or reconciliation in that.
Mar 9
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Joshua
"Humble leaders know their role. Not driven by ambition to be somewhere/someone that you're not. Caleb knew what God had called him to." This is conflicting me. I want to be content in my situation, working & loving where I am. Yet I want to know what God has called me to. I want to try something new. I want everything and yet nothing. From the women's retreat: What if God is calling you to a life smaller than you imagined? Where is my contentment?
"Moving home is not a step back." Thank you, Janice from community group. I need assurance. We're moving out of our apartment and it's very sad. I grew to love this place.
Mar 13
I want him to know Your ways & Your truth & the light of Your face. I am still learning so much and leaning on Your daily bread. May I share all I've got.
Was there any good? Where did the good go??? [Tegan & Sara]
Mar 23
3 days off...too delicious. Last weekend Jen & I moved out of the Pavilion. As we moved the last box,her dad called saying the house had just sold. And the whirlwind of confusion, decisions continues.
Mar 30
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Gideon
"Who am I?"
1.) go to God; Gideon renamed by God "Mighty Man of God"
2.) go to others; what your community sees in you. "Let Baal contend against him"
Marinate in the Word like a BBQ sauce.
April 7
Natalie is grateful. It was a wonderful weekend!
song: Watermark "A Grateful People".
April 13
spineless... hurt pride and confusion as to who that even is.
God, I just want to cling to You and have You make it all better. How my soul longs for its rest in You.
April 16
Psalm 24: Who will ascend the holy hill? Who will stand in the holy place? The one who does not lift up her soul to what is false.
God, I confess how much and how consistently I lift up my soul to what is false. Oh, how I seek affirmation, contentedness, joy in all places but give You a perfunctory nod of recognition.
In the presence of a thousand kings are You my one desire?
...these things won't bind up my heart and I refuse to lift my heart. Guide me today.
April 17
Defeated. How much more introverted can I be? I hate that 'I' [of INFJ]. I hate this wretched state I am in. How long? How long O Lord? When will I be able to express myself like an adult? I want the finished product. How do all of my complexities and contradictions fit together? God, I feel I'm living in a state of out of control. There is a strange peace in that. I am being vulnerable, letting people in, risking public knowledge of my failure but I covet their prayers & encouragement.
April 20
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: David
Sometimes God's judgment is giving us what we want.
David becomes king, is blessed greatly...this can be a very dangerous season for most people.
May the SIN be more odious than the consequence.
The Holy Spirit is lazer-like, specific.
May 4
Despite [my comment], doors have been opened to communication, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness, reconciliation. The snarky comment was childish, but if it brought this about, so be it.
Friday i drove to Macomb for a great weekend visit. Hilariousness. At L&K's we worshipped God for an hour or so. Simply incredible.
[His] comment about me being 25 (which I'm not) so I should know what to do w/my life by now. Are you serious?? I'm sorry I didn't marry & follow a husband? I'll never recant. Feminist or otherwise.
For some reason...being w/Linny wants me to live deeper. I want to pray, write, create, capture, journal. I am so blessed she is in my life. I truly mean that. I wish I could be a better friend to her.
I prayed most of the time on the Eldred Blacktop. God, I need Jesus so much. I want movement in so many areas. But esp. by the spirit. Your nearness is to me my good.
May 6
I hate this. I do not want to react like this. It's unintentional, detestable to me. Be gone. Why did I ever say hi...
II Cor 3:12-18 Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Pervade the porousness of my heart. Bring Your freedom. Bring Your healing. Bring Your transforming power. There is nothing I have felt more strongly. It's You I want. I don't want half-healing thru hiding, burying my feelings, or temporary relief thru a change of job or living situation, or temporary satisfaction in a boy interest, no matter how 'perfect' for me. Even if it's "him" -- the best yet providing much sanctification, happiness, growth-- God I want You first, so much more. I trust who You are. I ruthlessly trust. May I reflect you. May I defend him. May I be upfront about my failings. Let my pride fall. Let me in some way point to your glory. He left indelible imprints on me--for good and for bad. Because sanctification comes thru people & working it out. Because I have so much to learn & confess. Because I want to reflect Your character of reconciliation, peace-making. God, teach me how to forgive from the heart.
[[[[[[[[And He died that we may live
and He lives that we may die
to our idols, to our sins, and to ourselves]]]]]
"That We Might Live"
May 9
Tonight we saw Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken. It was incredible. They are so adorable, not sick/sweet, both very real, independent, beautiful, and in love. I pray I never become a bitter single. No rush. I see what I want, I don't fear. I was blown away at how he brought such truth so articulately-- things I have thought but could not express fully. yes yes yes! A holistic gospel. Anything else makes us seem "arrogant, two-dimensional, irrelevant."
I need to find a video of his 5 minute talk----WOW! I love Derek Webb!
May 22
Could I work for the International Justice Mission?
May 23
Soundtrack to my life: A Fine Frenzy
Missouri is beautiful. Word. Why do train conductors still wear silly uniforms & hats?
[[making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this
there's hope for the hopeless]]
It's hard to be at this point. Wanting to make plans, but yet holding them loosely in case I get word to uproot and replant. I have no doubt I would go if the right opportunity comes. LORD, I am trusting You. It's like I leave or I become a permanent resident at my parents' while I wait for something that will never come. Terrifying. Move Me. Move this heart. Have your way w/me. Heal me whole, concerned w/your opinion only.
May 26
Maybe I should look into moving to South America again. Maybe I'm just trying to be too responsible. Maybe Hannah E. would come w/me. It's not an escape but a little journey on. ?Que dices Tu? Padre Santo, muestrame.
"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem" MLK
Looking at the cows in the field rushing past...I wonder if my spirit would be content to be a cow grazing in one pasture my entire life. Well, I reasoned, yeah, it's clear that's what I was made for. I wouldn't fight it. Ok. I think I'd be content in investments if in the same way I knew I was born to be there. But I don't. Know, that is. If I don't know that I am meant to be in this pasture, how can I be content there until I find out?
God, if I truly sought You, what would I find? Be still. Get down on Your knees. Ask for wisdom. Taste and see. Wait.
May 27
[[I get a restless feeling in my bones
and I know
that at times it just won't go away
restless tonight]]
Allison Krause, Restless
Lord, I rest my restlessness in You. Or at least attempt to.
June 1
The Journey: Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Jeremiah
"All life is repentance." Martin Luther
*synchrotist=flow in cultural current where ever it takes
*separatist=separate from culture, avoid involvement for fear of corruption
***oh to hang in the sweet balance
Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning
"the inescapable narcissism of consciousness"
"Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life"
"To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Nowhere. It is an act of radical trust--trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place than the present moment"
--This book is speaking deeply to my soul. Chapter after chapter.
Feb 3
Psalm 1 v3: (S)he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. I have always like the symbolism here comparing a righteous person to a thriving tree dependent and interconnected with its source of all life. Today the fact that such a tree 'yields fruit in its season' struck me. Probably because the theme of trust and waiting are so resonant in my churning, spinning life. I have been learning to desire to walk in the Spirit, to somehow be active yet not controlling. To allow the seasons and circumstances to come and to hold onto my plans and decisions very lightly. I don't have to rush winter (as if I can control that anyway!) with my desire to get to the gifts of spring--God will sustain!
Feb 4
I was hit today with a thought--what if my all my circumstances truly were circumstantial? What if I could stop obsessing over where I am supposed to be and just be? I am so conflicted, pulled by dreams and desires. If nothing in my life ever changes, could I be truly content w/God? So much is defined of me by what I DO. But the BEING...who do I want to be? Remind me, it is the process, the drawing near, the seeking... Lord, may I not seek the right choice, but You. Forgive my short-sightedness.
Feb 11
I saw a church sign today that read "If God guides, God will provide." It got me wondering, is the converse (would it be the converse statement?? Forgotten geometry proof terms...) true? If God provides (a houses, new job, etc) does that necessarily mean that He is guiding?
Feb 16
Why am I so weak? God, I trust you are working me out, sanctifying, preparing, maturing me into real relationships w/all people. I need the Holy Spirit to wash over me & bring me into all truth, to help me withstand he temptation to take the easy, non-confrontive, non-investing, non-vulnerable way out. ... forgive my mistakes...we didn't have a chance. It's over and I don't necessarily want a 2nd chance--I just want movement, I want to continue on this journey, I want to press on to take hold of all You have ahead of me. Remind me of the beauty, grace & persevering test of the promise. ***Your plans prevail; I can move in a smothering blanket of provision. Live, breathe, love deeply.***
Feb 18
Read "Perks of Being a Wallflower". Highly recommend it.
::infinite::
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"I'd die for you, but I won't live for you."
Feb 18
BFF Weekend was great. I love these girls. I love their beauty, humor, passions, unconditionality, artistic flair, indy-ness, spirituality, deepness. ... Some of the picture of my new life in Tacoma is just these things. Seeking depth, beauty, art. Sure, I can do those things here, practicality begs to remind me. But...I feel a need to break, a definite beginning/end, a chance, something to look back on even if it turns out to be a mistake, that at least I went, I risked, I pushed myself, I moved, I lived. :shrug: I feel my concentration on job, degrees, 'success', math & science, business has stunted my passions, inclinations, artistry, those things that make life worthwhile.
coffee drinker
book of poetry, verses, quotes
reading...the classics
thrifting, clothes swaps - no retail?
rain boots
cooking for people
music_rue royale
relationships - go! honesty, communication
mornings w/God, invitation to life
honesty>>poignant Q's>>truth
mini-canvases
piano/guitar
visit Linny & Keith
beauty_art_dress
postcards, gifts, clothes
Feb 20
He [is] restoring my heart happier, stronger than ever. Growing my relations w/others, drawing near to Him, clearing the way to my hopes & dreams, inspiring my heart, showing my weakness...the Holy Spirit is at work. And I rejoice!
Feb 23
My parents--so good & supportive whatever my decision. They want me to fly & be so happy. They are great people. ...
I attended the Perks of Being a Wallflower book club at the Journey. I shared the least in the group, but did well for me. May I con't to face my insecurities, take risks necessary to grow. Thanks for the road You have me on.
Mar 1
"Forgiveness" without talking, working through... that's not forgiveness. There is no restoration or reconciliation in that.
Mar 9
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Joshua
"Humble leaders know their role. Not driven by ambition to be somewhere/someone that you're not. Caleb knew what God had called him to." This is conflicting me. I want to be content in my situation, working & loving where I am. Yet I want to know what God has called me to. I want to try something new. I want everything and yet nothing. From the women's retreat: What if God is calling you to a life smaller than you imagined? Where is my contentment?
"Moving home is not a step back." Thank you, Janice from community group. I need assurance. We're moving out of our apartment and it's very sad. I grew to love this place.
Mar 13
I want him to know Your ways & Your truth & the light of Your face. I am still learning so much and leaning on Your daily bread. May I share all I've got.
Was there any good? Where did the good go??? [Tegan & Sara]
Mar 23
3 days off...too delicious. Last weekend Jen & I moved out of the Pavilion. As we moved the last box,her dad called saying the house had just sold. And the whirlwind of confusion, decisions continues.
Mar 30
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Gideon
"Who am I?"
1.) go to God; Gideon renamed by God "Mighty Man of God"
2.) go to others; what your community sees in you. "Let Baal contend against him"
Marinate in the Word like a BBQ sauce.
April 7
Natalie is grateful. It was a wonderful weekend!
song: Watermark "A Grateful People".
April 13
spineless... hurt pride and confusion as to who that even is.
God, I just want to cling to You and have You make it all better. How my soul longs for its rest in You.
April 16
Psalm 24: Who will ascend the holy hill? Who will stand in the holy place? The one who does not lift up her soul to what is false.
God, I confess how much and how consistently I lift up my soul to what is false. Oh, how I seek affirmation, contentedness, joy in all places but give You a perfunctory nod of recognition.
In the presence of a thousand kings are You my one desire?
...these things won't bind up my heart and I refuse to lift my heart. Guide me today.
April 17
Defeated. How much more introverted can I be? I hate that 'I' [of INFJ]. I hate this wretched state I am in. How long? How long O Lord? When will I be able to express myself like an adult? I want the finished product. How do all of my complexities and contradictions fit together? God, I feel I'm living in a state of out of control. There is a strange peace in that. I am being vulnerable, letting people in, risking public knowledge of my failure but I covet their prayers & encouragement.
April 20
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: David
Sometimes God's judgment is giving us what we want.
David becomes king, is blessed greatly...this can be a very dangerous season for most people.
May the SIN be more odious than the consequence.
The Holy Spirit is lazer-like, specific.
May 4
Despite [my comment], doors have been opened to communication, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness, reconciliation. The snarky comment was childish, but if it brought this about, so be it.
Friday i drove to Macomb for a great weekend visit. Hilariousness. At L&K's we worshipped God for an hour or so. Simply incredible.
[His] comment about me being 25 (which I'm not) so I should know what to do w/my life by now. Are you serious?? I'm sorry I didn't marry & follow a husband? I'll never recant. Feminist or otherwise.
For some reason...being w/Linny wants me to live deeper. I want to pray, write, create, capture, journal. I am so blessed she is in my life. I truly mean that. I wish I could be a better friend to her.
I prayed most of the time on the Eldred Blacktop. God, I need Jesus so much. I want movement in so many areas. But esp. by the spirit. Your nearness is to me my good.
May 6
I hate this. I do not want to react like this. It's unintentional, detestable to me. Be gone. Why did I ever say hi...
II Cor 3:12-18 Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Pervade the porousness of my heart. Bring Your freedom. Bring Your healing. Bring Your transforming power. There is nothing I have felt more strongly. It's You I want. I don't want half-healing thru hiding, burying my feelings, or temporary relief thru a change of job or living situation, or temporary satisfaction in a boy interest, no matter how 'perfect' for me. Even if it's "him" -- the best yet providing much sanctification, happiness, growth-- God I want You first, so much more. I trust who You are. I ruthlessly trust. May I reflect you. May I defend him. May I be upfront about my failings. Let my pride fall. Let me in some way point to your glory. He left indelible imprints on me--for good and for bad. Because sanctification comes thru people & working it out. Because I have so much to learn & confess. Because I want to reflect Your character of reconciliation, peace-making. God, teach me how to forgive from the heart.
[[[[[[[[And He died that we may live
and He lives that we may die
to our idols, to our sins, and to ourselves]]]]]
"That We Might Live"
May 9
Tonight we saw Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken. It was incredible. They are so adorable, not sick/sweet, both very real, independent, beautiful, and in love. I pray I never become a bitter single. No rush. I see what I want, I don't fear. I was blown away at how he brought such truth so articulately-- things I have thought but could not express fully. yes yes yes! A holistic gospel. Anything else makes us seem "arrogant, two-dimensional, irrelevant."
I need to find a video of his 5 minute talk----WOW! I love Derek Webb!
May 22
Could I work for the International Justice Mission?
May 23
Soundtrack to my life: A Fine Frenzy
Missouri is beautiful. Word. Why do train conductors still wear silly uniforms & hats?
[[making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this
there's hope for the hopeless]]
It's hard to be at this point. Wanting to make plans, but yet holding them loosely in case I get word to uproot and replant. I have no doubt I would go if the right opportunity comes. LORD, I am trusting You. It's like I leave or I become a permanent resident at my parents' while I wait for something that will never come. Terrifying. Move Me. Move this heart. Have your way w/me. Heal me whole, concerned w/your opinion only.
May 26
Maybe I should look into moving to South America again. Maybe I'm just trying to be too responsible. Maybe Hannah E. would come w/me. It's not an escape but a little journey on. ?Que dices Tu? Padre Santo, muestrame.
"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem" MLK
Looking at the cows in the field rushing past...I wonder if my spirit would be content to be a cow grazing in one pasture my entire life. Well, I reasoned, yeah, it's clear that's what I was made for. I wouldn't fight it. Ok. I think I'd be content in investments if in the same way I knew I was born to be there. But I don't. Know, that is. If I don't know that I am meant to be in this pasture, how can I be content there until I find out?
God, if I truly sought You, what would I find? Be still. Get down on Your knees. Ask for wisdom. Taste and see. Wait.
May 27
[[I get a restless feeling in my bones
and I know
that at times it just won't go away
restless tonight]]
Allison Krause, Restless
Lord, I rest my restlessness in You. Or at least attempt to.
June 1
The Journey: Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Jeremiah
"All life is repentance." Martin Luther
*synchrotist=flow in cultural current where ever it takes
*separatist=separate from culture, avoid involvement for fear of corruption
***oh to hang in the sweet balance
Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning
"the inescapable narcissism of consciousness"
"Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life"
"To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Nowhere. It is an act of radical trust--trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place than the present moment"
--This book is speaking deeply to my soul. Chapter after chapter.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
back in the saddle
Jen & I had a great time in Beantown. I was glad she was with me since Matt had class and worked all day Thursday and most of the day Friday. It was pretty cold--we were always bundled up in heavy coats, gloves, hats, scarves. We took the T (Boston's public transportation system) everywhere.
We did the Freedom Trail (with a stop in the North end near Paul Revere's house in Little Italy. Point of notice: the Freedom Trail seems much better with half a bottle of wine in you...). At the end we took a water ferry instead of walking back across the bridge- so cool! For dinner we met my friend, Joyce, whom I studied abroad with, who now attends grad school at Tufts in Davis Square. We got coffee and then went back to her place for more hang outs.
Friday Jen & I took the Unofficial Hahvahd Tour, which is great. Then we met Matt at Bartley's for the best burgers in Boston. Jen & I played in those beautiful New England leaves in JFK memorial park in front of the Charles River where we even saw a rower in this chilly weather! *picturesque* We took the T to Fenway and walked around it then met Matt in Chinatown. We had some delicious food... including an Indian pancake w/yummy sauce. That night we stopped by Kick Ass Cupcakes, which had just opened. They were fine, but probably not worth $2.75/regular size (aka: tiny)cupcake. Mine was flavored mojito!
Saturday we got a huge breakfast at the Family Restaurant in Matt's closest square, Union Square. Then we began our journey to the JFK museum and presidential library. Well, we took the T and after walking several miles to the end of a bay behind UMass, but still following the signs to the museum, I finally asked a UMass student. She told me to get on the shuttle! That was a long, cold walk, but I'd say it was worth it. I had never been to a presidential library before, but I think I'd like to see more if I'm somewhere near one. For the trip back, we definitely waited for the shuttle, thank goodness.
Sunday we went to a church Matt has been going to a few times. We met a guy who Jen had met at Mizzou, and with whom Matt went to Walden's Pond when their mutual friend was in town a few months ago! Weird! The church was great - I really enjoyed it.
The message was on Ecclesiastes 7, which was fantastic, full of seeming contradiction, yet so full of wisdom. Sorrow is better than laughter... you never reconsider and reassess your life when things are going well. We need those times to force us to reflect and go deeper, to really consider where we are and what we're doing. Like CS Lewis says (paraphrased), "God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts at us through our pain. Pain is God's megaphone for a deaf heart." Empty laughter is meaningless; our conversations need to go deeper and bring up painful things if neccessary. "Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient spirit is better than the proud spirit" & "Say not 'why were the former days not better than these?' ": it is so easy to compare the 'good old days' with now and be depressed or feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Things change, and though outwardly things may appear worse, these are the times when you are living with depth and working through big things. I think this period of life is called your twenties. Before this, everything was kind of carefree, decided for you. Also, it's easy to be this way about romantic relationships--oh, for those days when we were first together!! But that is infatuation, not love. Love rides out the hard parts and works through the rough edges of the girl and guy. It's a process of sanctification. God is going to bring you to completion! Patience... It's a grueling marathon, but imagine the joy and victory of the finish line. And finally, don't harbor anger. It lodges in your heart. Sometimes you need time to realize the argument wasn't a big deal. But, that is not an excuse to ignore or run from problems.
This passage and sermon spoke to Matt and I at nearly every turn. Sunday night after walking through Boston Public Gardens, looking around cool shops, eating a hotdog and fried dough from a vendor in the park, and then eating a delicious meal at a Peruvian restaurant, Matt & I sat down at a coffee shop in Union Square and delved into many issues. I cried a lot. We affirmed our love for one another, let our emotions, anger, and confusion show, and made a commitment to work. Many of our relational problems are linked to our personal personality traits and sin problems. We can both be so alike, which is not necessarily a good thing. We tend to go passive-aggressive, to be independent and tending to draw into ourselves, to throw things when we get off the phone, to not allow our emotions to show, to not open ourselves up and work through problems... and for what reason??? We have both been deceived into thinking this is easier, but oh, how it grows. And how it weighs! We aren't sure how to "fix" us... but we are praying and seeking God to move in each of us individually which will make needed changes between us relationally. We need to get down to the heart of the matter which can lead back to those awesome lessons on idols at the Journey. I want to have this free, open, vulnerable, say anything, wear myself on my sleeve, I know everything about you and you about me kind of relationship with him. I want us to work. I want us to fall in love again. We are at the end of ourselves, so maybe we will finally give God a chance to work and have His way with us.
Regardless, He is going to work. And so blessed be His name.
We did the Freedom Trail (with a stop in the North end near Paul Revere's house in Little Italy. Point of notice: the Freedom Trail seems much better with half a bottle of wine in you...). At the end we took a water ferry instead of walking back across the bridge- so cool! For dinner we met my friend, Joyce, whom I studied abroad with, who now attends grad school at Tufts in Davis Square. We got coffee and then went back to her place for more hang outs.
Friday Jen & I took the Unofficial Hahvahd Tour, which is great. Then we met Matt at Bartley's for the best burgers in Boston. Jen & I played in those beautiful New England leaves in JFK memorial park in front of the Charles River where we even saw a rower in this chilly weather! *picturesque* We took the T to Fenway and walked around it then met Matt in Chinatown. We had some delicious food... including an Indian pancake w/yummy sauce. That night we stopped by Kick Ass Cupcakes, which had just opened. They were fine, but probably not worth $2.75/regular size (aka: tiny)cupcake. Mine was flavored mojito!
Saturday we got a huge breakfast at the Family Restaurant in Matt's closest square, Union Square. Then we began our journey to the JFK museum and presidential library. Well, we took the T and after walking several miles to the end of a bay behind UMass, but still following the signs to the museum, I finally asked a UMass student. She told me to get on the shuttle! That was a long, cold walk, but I'd say it was worth it. I had never been to a presidential library before, but I think I'd like to see more if I'm somewhere near one. For the trip back, we definitely waited for the shuttle, thank goodness.
Sunday we went to a church Matt has been going to a few times. We met a guy who Jen had met at Mizzou, and with whom Matt went to Walden's Pond when their mutual friend was in town a few months ago! Weird! The church was great - I really enjoyed it.
The message was on Ecclesiastes 7, which was fantastic, full of seeming contradiction, yet so full of wisdom. Sorrow is better than laughter... you never reconsider and reassess your life when things are going well. We need those times to force us to reflect and go deeper, to really consider where we are and what we're doing. Like CS Lewis says (paraphrased), "God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts at us through our pain. Pain is God's megaphone for a deaf heart." Empty laughter is meaningless; our conversations need to go deeper and bring up painful things if neccessary. "Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient spirit is better than the proud spirit" & "Say not 'why were the former days not better than these?' ": it is so easy to compare the 'good old days' with now and be depressed or feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Things change, and though outwardly things may appear worse, these are the times when you are living with depth and working through big things. I think this period of life is called your twenties. Before this, everything was kind of carefree, decided for you. Also, it's easy to be this way about romantic relationships--oh, for those days when we were first together!! But that is infatuation, not love. Love rides out the hard parts and works through the rough edges of the girl and guy. It's a process of sanctification. God is going to bring you to completion! Patience... It's a grueling marathon, but imagine the joy and victory of the finish line. And finally, don't harbor anger. It lodges in your heart. Sometimes you need time to realize the argument wasn't a big deal. But, that is not an excuse to ignore or run from problems.
This passage and sermon spoke to Matt and I at nearly every turn. Sunday night after walking through Boston Public Gardens, looking around cool shops, eating a hotdog and fried dough from a vendor in the park, and then eating a delicious meal at a Peruvian restaurant, Matt & I sat down at a coffee shop in Union Square and delved into many issues. I cried a lot. We affirmed our love for one another, let our emotions, anger, and confusion show, and made a commitment to work. Many of our relational problems are linked to our personal personality traits and sin problems. We can both be so alike, which is not necessarily a good thing. We tend to go passive-aggressive, to be independent and tending to draw into ourselves, to throw things when we get off the phone, to not allow our emotions to show, to not open ourselves up and work through problems... and for what reason??? We have both been deceived into thinking this is easier, but oh, how it grows. And how it weighs! We aren't sure how to "fix" us... but we are praying and seeking God to move in each of us individually which will make needed changes between us relationally. We need to get down to the heart of the matter which can lead back to those awesome lessons on idols at the Journey. I want to have this free, open, vulnerable, say anything, wear myself on my sleeve, I know everything about you and you about me kind of relationship with him. I want us to work. I want us to fall in love again. We are at the end of ourselves, so maybe we will finally give God a chance to work and have His way with us.
Regardless, He is going to work. And so blessed be His name.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wedding Weekend
I got to spend the weekend with my sweetheart! He flew in a week ago and spent the day with my mom - yay! We went to a cute outdoor restaurant in old town Florissant for dinner. I took the day off Friday and we went to Grant's Farm and picked up his tux before the rehearsal and dinner. The groomsmen got beersteins with their name and "groomsman" engraved on the mug- they were a hit and used the rest of the weekend. The girls, in addition to jewelry, got cute white jackets with their name and "bridesmaid" embroidered in bright pink- what a cute idea! (mental note taken)
That night we hung out with the wedding party, set up the reception hall, and went to a tiny country bar (we were in the middle of nowhere, MO... Catawissa was the name of the village) for drinks, jukebox singing, and pool. I drove 45 min. home at that point but the guys went to a random lady's pond and stripped down to their boxers for a 2am swim. Matt had such a great time with his old friends... they are a crazy but great group. And Josh & Jenny were so grateful that Matt flew in for the weekend to stand up with them. I am, too!
It was a small wedding- less than 100 people. Josh & Jenny had two receptions because Jenny's family is strict Baptist (no drinking or dancing!) so the first reception was in the church basement with cake and appetizers (what happened to those simple receptions in the church basement right after the ceremony?? There is something lacking from these production-based ceremonies and receptions...) The groomsmen did quite a number on Josh's car. Besides the usual cans trailing behind and writing on the windows, they dumped two trashbags full of packing peanuts in Josh's tiny car. Josh thought it was great... before he saw the peanuts... They took beautiful pictures at the lake behind Jenny's parents' house (see facebook!) and then onto the next reception! Dinner & dancing. And boy, the wedding party and I danced until they shut it down on us. :-)
Matt & I said our goodbyes to the party. The next morning we went to the Journey, which I hope will be my new church, and Iglesia. We ate kabobs with my parents and watched "Wedding Crashers" (how appropriate!) That night we stopped by Creve Coeure Lake so he can picture me there when I tell him I'm there journaling or walking. We shared a tub of Ben & Jerry's. The next morning we got up EARLY so he was at the airport by 5:30. And it was over.
Sigh. He's back to German, I'm back to work. I hope to visit for a week or ten days in September maybe. (the maid of honor was from Boston and said I had to come for apple picking!--it's the only "country" thing she does and it's great! Needless to say, she was a bit in shock of small town midwest culture for a few days :)
Mattie and I are both praying that we will seek God, that He will make things clear to us, and that we will enjoy the ride and purpose of this season. I'm trying to work on communication and being vulnerable. Pray for us, too, please. I need more of God fo sho.
That night we hung out with the wedding party, set up the reception hall, and went to a tiny country bar (we were in the middle of nowhere, MO... Catawissa was the name of the village) for drinks, jukebox singing, and pool. I drove 45 min. home at that point but the guys went to a random lady's pond and stripped down to their boxers for a 2am swim. Matt had such a great time with his old friends... they are a crazy but great group. And Josh & Jenny were so grateful that Matt flew in for the weekend to stand up with them. I am, too!
It was a small wedding- less than 100 people. Josh & Jenny had two receptions because Jenny's family is strict Baptist (no drinking or dancing!) so the first reception was in the church basement with cake and appetizers (what happened to those simple receptions in the church basement right after the ceremony?? There is something lacking from these production-based ceremonies and receptions...) The groomsmen did quite a number on Josh's car. Besides the usual cans trailing behind and writing on the windows, they dumped two trashbags full of packing peanuts in Josh's tiny car. Josh thought it was great... before he saw the peanuts... They took beautiful pictures at the lake behind Jenny's parents' house (see facebook!) and then onto the next reception! Dinner & dancing. And boy, the wedding party and I danced until they shut it down on us. :-)
Matt & I said our goodbyes to the party. The next morning we went to the Journey, which I hope will be my new church, and Iglesia. We ate kabobs with my parents and watched "Wedding Crashers" (how appropriate!) That night we stopped by Creve Coeure Lake so he can picture me there when I tell him I'm there journaling or walking. We shared a tub of Ben & Jerry's. The next morning we got up EARLY so he was at the airport by 5:30. And it was over.
Sigh. He's back to German, I'm back to work. I hope to visit for a week or ten days in September maybe. (the maid of honor was from Boston and said I had to come for apple picking!--it's the only "country" thing she does and it's great! Needless to say, she was a bit in shock of small town midwest culture for a few days :)
Mattie and I are both praying that we will seek God, that He will make things clear to us, and that we will enjoy the ride and purpose of this season. I'm trying to work on communication and being vulnerable. Pray for us, too, please. I need more of God fo sho.
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