excerpts

My blog buddies, it has been some time! I didn't know where to begin and just got overwhelmed. I thought maybe I would share some excerpts from my handwritten journal. They may seem random...

Feb 3
Psalm 1 v3: (S)he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither. I have always like the symbolism here comparing a righteous person to a thriving tree dependent and interconnected with its source of all life. Today the fact that such a tree 'yields fruit in its season' struck me. Probably because the theme of trust and waiting are so resonant in my churning, spinning life. I have been learning to desire to walk in the Spirit, to somehow be active yet not controlling. To allow the seasons and circumstances to come and to hold onto my plans and decisions very lightly. I don't have to rush winter (as if I can control that anyway!) with my desire to get to the gifts of spring--God will sustain!

Feb 4
I was hit today with a thought--what if my all my circumstances truly were circumstantial? What if I could stop obsessing over where I am supposed to be and just be? I am so conflicted, pulled by dreams and desires. If nothing in my life ever changes, could I be truly content w/God? So much is defined of me by what I DO. But the BEING...who do I want to be? Remind me, it is the process, the drawing near, the seeking... Lord, may I not seek the right choice, but You. Forgive my short-sightedness.

Feb 11
I saw a church sign today that read "If God guides, God will provide." It got me wondering, is the converse (would it be the converse statement?? Forgotten geometry proof terms...) true? If God provides (a houses, new job, etc) does that necessarily mean that He is guiding?

Feb 16
Why am I so weak? God, I trust you are working me out, sanctifying, preparing, maturing me into real relationships w/all people. I need the Holy Spirit to wash over me & bring me into all truth, to help me withstand he temptation to take the easy, non-confrontive, non-investing, non-vulnerable way out. ... forgive my mistakes...we didn't have a chance. It's over and I don't necessarily want a 2nd chance--I just want movement, I want to continue on this journey, I want to press on to take hold of all You have ahead of me. Remind me of the beauty, grace & persevering test of the promise. ***Your plans prevail; I can move in a smothering blanket of provision. Live, breathe, love deeply.***

Feb 18
Read "Perks of Being a Wallflower". Highly recommend it.
::infinite::
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"I'd die for you, but I won't live for you."

Feb 18
BFF Weekend was great. I love these girls. I love their beauty, humor, passions, unconditionality, artistic flair, indy-ness, spirituality, deepness. ... Some of the picture of my new life in Tacoma is just these things. Seeking depth, beauty, art. Sure, I can do those things here, practicality begs to remind me. But...I feel a need to break, a definite beginning/end, a chance, something to look back on even if it turns out to be a mistake, that at least I went, I risked, I pushed myself, I moved, I lived. :shrug: I feel my concentration on job, degrees, 'success', math & science, business has stunted my passions, inclinations, artistry, those things that make life worthwhile.

coffee drinker
book of poetry, verses, quotes
reading...the classics
thrifting, clothes swaps - no retail?
rain boots
cooking for people
music_rue royale
relationships - go! honesty, communication
mornings w/God, invitation to life
honesty>>poignant Q's>>truth
mini-canvases
piano/guitar
visit Linny & Keith
beauty_art_dress
postcards, gifts, clothes

Feb 20
He [is] restoring my heart happier, stronger than ever. Growing my relations w/others, drawing near to Him, clearing the way to my hopes & dreams, inspiring my heart, showing my weakness...the Holy Spirit is at work. And I rejoice!

Feb 23
My parents--so good & supportive whatever my decision. They want me to fly & be so happy. They are great people. ...
I attended the Perks of Being a Wallflower book club at the Journey. I shared the least in the group, but did well for me. May I con't to face my insecurities, take risks necessary to grow. Thanks for the road You have me on.

Mar 1
"Forgiveness" without talking, working through... that's not forgiveness. There is no restoration or reconciliation in that.

Mar 9
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Joshua
"Humble leaders know their role. Not driven by ambition to be somewhere/someone that you're not. Caleb knew what God had called him to." This is conflicting me. I want to be content in my situation, working & loving where I am. Yet I want to know what God has called me to. I want to try something new. I want everything and yet nothing. From the women's retreat: What if God is calling you to a life smaller than you imagined? Where is my contentment?

"Moving home is not a step back." Thank you, Janice from community group. I need assurance. We're moving out of our apartment and it's very sad. I grew to love this place.

Mar 13
I want him to know Your ways & Your truth & the light of Your face. I am still learning so much and leaning on Your daily bread. May I share all I've got.

Was there any good? Where did the good go??? [Tegan & Sara]

Mar 23
3 days off...too delicious. Last weekend Jen & I moved out of the Pavilion. As we moved the last box,her dad called saying the house had just sold. And the whirlwind of confusion, decisions continues.

Mar 30
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Gideon
"Who am I?"
1.) go to God; Gideon renamed by God "Mighty Man of God"
2.) go to others; what your community sees in you. "Let Baal contend against him"
Marinate in the Word like a BBQ sauce.

April 7
Natalie is grateful. It was a wonderful weekend!
song: Watermark "A Grateful People".

April 13
spineless... hurt pride and confusion as to who that even is.
God, I just want to cling to You and have You make it all better. How my soul longs for its rest in You.

April 16
Psalm 24: Who will ascend the holy hill? Who will stand in the holy place? The one who does not lift up her soul to what is false.

God, I confess how much and how consistently I lift up my soul to what is false. Oh, how I seek affirmation, contentedness, joy in all places but give You a perfunctory nod of recognition.

In the presence of a thousand kings are You my one desire?

...these things won't bind up my heart and I refuse to lift my heart. Guide me today.

April 17
Defeated. How much more introverted can I be? I hate that 'I' [of INFJ]. I hate this wretched state I am in. How long? How long O Lord? When will I be able to express myself like an adult? I want the finished product. How do all of my complexities and contradictions fit together? God, I feel I'm living in a state of out of control. There is a strange peace in that. I am being vulnerable, letting people in, risking public knowledge of my failure but I covet their prayers & encouragement.

April 20
The Journey, Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: David
Sometimes God's judgment is giving us what we want.
David becomes king, is blessed greatly...this can be a very dangerous season for most people.
May the SIN be more odious than the consequence.
The Holy Spirit is lazer-like, specific.

May 4
Despite [my comment], doors have been opened to communication, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness, reconciliation. The snarky comment was childish, but if it brought this about, so be it.

Friday i drove to Macomb for a great weekend visit. Hilariousness. At L&K's we worshipped God for an hour or so. Simply incredible.

[His] comment about me being 25 (which I'm not) so I should know what to do w/my life by now. Are you serious?? I'm sorry I didn't marry & follow a husband? I'll never recant. Feminist or otherwise.

For some reason...being w/Linny wants me to live deeper. I want to pray, write, create, capture, journal. I am so blessed she is in my life. I truly mean that. I wish I could be a better friend to her.

I prayed most of the time on the Eldred Blacktop. God, I need Jesus so much. I want movement in so many areas. But esp. by the spirit. Your nearness is to me my good.

May 6
I hate this. I do not want to react like this. It's unintentional, detestable to me. Be gone. Why did I ever say hi...

II Cor 3:12-18 Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Pervade the porousness of my heart. Bring Your freedom. Bring Your healing. Bring Your transforming power. There is nothing I have felt more strongly. It's You I want. I don't want half-healing thru hiding, burying my feelings, or temporary relief thru a change of job or living situation, or temporary satisfaction in a boy interest, no matter how 'perfect' for me. Even if it's "him" -- the best yet providing much sanctification, happiness, growth-- God I want You first, so much more. I trust who You are. I ruthlessly trust. May I reflect you. May I defend him. May I be upfront about my failings. Let my pride fall. Let me in some way point to your glory. He left indelible imprints on me--for good and for bad. Because sanctification comes thru people & working it out. Because I have so much to learn & confess. Because I want to reflect Your character of reconciliation, peace-making. God, teach me how to forgive from the heart.

[[[[[[[[And He died that we may live
and He lives that we may die
to our idols, to our sins, and to ourselves]]]]]
"That We Might Live"

May 9
Tonight we saw Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken. It was incredible. They are so adorable, not sick/sweet, both very real, independent, beautiful, and in love. I pray I never become a bitter single. No rush. I see what I want, I don't fear. I was blown away at how he brought such truth so articulately-- things I have thought but could not express fully. yes yes yes! A holistic gospel. Anything else makes us seem "arrogant, two-dimensional, irrelevant."
I need to find a video of his 5 minute talk----WOW! I love Derek Webb!

May 22
Could I work for the International Justice Mission?

May 23
Soundtrack to my life: A Fine Frenzy
Missouri is beautiful. Word. Why do train conductors still wear silly uniforms & hats?

[[making the best of it
playing the cards you get
you're not alone in this
there's hope for the hopeless]]

It's hard to be at this point. Wanting to make plans, but yet holding them loosely in case I get word to uproot and replant. I have no doubt I would go if the right opportunity comes. LORD, I am trusting You. It's like I leave or I become a permanent resident at my parents' while I wait for something that will never come. Terrifying. Move Me. Move this heart. Have your way w/me. Heal me whole, concerned w/your opinion only.

May 26
Maybe I should look into moving to South America again. Maybe I'm just trying to be too responsible. Maybe Hannah E. would come w/me. It's not an escape but a little journey on. ?Que dices Tu? Padre Santo, muestrame.

"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem" MLK

Looking at the cows in the field rushing past...I wonder if my spirit would be content to be a cow grazing in one pasture my entire life. Well, I reasoned, yeah, it's clear that's what I was made for. I wouldn't fight it. Ok. I think I'd be content in investments if in the same way I knew I was born to be there. But I don't. Know, that is. If I don't know that I am meant to be in this pasture, how can I be content there until I find out?

God, if I truly sought You, what would I find? Be still. Get down on Your knees. Ask for wisdom. Taste and see. Wait.

May 27
[[I get a restless feeling in my bones
and I know
that at times it just won't go away
restless tonight]]
Allison Krause, Restless

Lord, I rest my restlessness in You. Or at least attempt to.

June 1
The Journey: Finding Jesus in the Old Testament: Jeremiah
"All life is repentance." Martin Luther
*synchrotist=flow in cultural current where ever it takes
*separatist=separate from culture, avoid involvement for fear of corruption
***oh to hang in the sweet balance

Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning
"the inescapable narcissism of consciousness"
"Being fully present in the now is perhaps the premier skill of the spiritual life"
"To be fully present to whoever or whatever is immediately before us is to pitch a tent in the wilderness of Nowhere. It is an act of radical trust--trust that God can be encountered at no other time and in no other place than the present moment"
--This book is speaking deeply to my soul. Chapter after chapter.