I got a vase filled with 6 red roses with baby's breath and ferns springing up around them. My Friday the 13th flowers :) There is one rose that is a good 4 inches taller than the rest. But the incongruity seems fitting.

It has been a difficult month and a half.

But.

God is faithful. Even when we're not. I have watched God provide from his glorious riches and it has reminded me that when we are the weakest, His strength is most apparent. And He can be most glorified. You'd think He like plans it this way...

I am exhausted but hanging on. Only by daily gifts and feeble attempts at prayer have I been able to be sustained. oh, grace. oh, come abide.

I trust. I haven't cried so much... ever. I'm just so tired of fighting. Myself. The darkness. My vain ideas of the way this "should" be.

And yet, this feeling of "the world ought not be like this!" "It's not supposed to be like this! I know it!" I find myself just praying for His Kingdom to come. Today. Through this. I pray for restoration! I pray for ::redemption::! For every tear to be wiped away, for every wrong to be righted.

I don't understand the why. Who benefits from this useless suffering? Can't it be accomplished some other way? Why??

I scream "just fix it! If you can, if you're able, do it! Restore! Give us back what has been taken!" Those philosophical debates on suffering never seemed close to me. Suddenly, life is flipped.

Be not far off.
You are our only sustainer. Our only restorer.
Even when we can't believe it.
Forgive our unbelief.