another semester done

Yesterday I submitted a 19 page public policy paper finishing off my 6th semester of grad school. One more semester to go, plus an intersession class. Not bad.

Work... ugg... don't want to talk about it... I can't wait for the day that I walk out the door for good. I don't know what I would rather be doing, but I have the feeling that any change would be good. I work so hard, am stressed, but regardless it seems it's never enough.

Adam had an interview at Rosalind-Franklin in Chicago today. He loved the program. I hope they loved him, too! Dartmouth in New Hampshire or Chicago or New York... where will he be in July?? No one knows till Match Day!

I am SO HAPPY TO BE AT HOME! I spent the entire evening at home last night. How long has it been? I am so happy to be done with class and school work to enjoy the season! Christmas parties, shopping, decorating, social events, cooking...!

I'm off to the store to shop for the Neediest Families family that my work adopted. Pumped! And grab some groceries.

Saturdays

Saturdays (when I am in town) are my day. I revel in the freedom. In the sunshine.

Even though I have a list of chores and errands and to-do's--I like that. Even though today I spent hours preparing a 40 minute public policy presentation for Monday. Just being at home in a day without restless obligation is so... nice.

I slept in until 8... minus Josie, the kitty, banging on my door and meowing for attention...

I didn't get around to going to the store or baking cookies or washing my grimy mirror or cleaning out the abyss that is the bathroom linen closet... but I did work on power point for an hour or two, then did 2 loads of laundry, worked another hour, then swept the hallway and bathroom, got distracted by facebook, and cleaned the mildew off of the shower curtain, powerpointed again... I enjoy this.

I think I would like working part-time from home.

Around noon Adam picked me up for "breakfast" at First Watch. We walked around Clayton in the warm sunshine before he had to head to work.

Tonight I'm going to visit Rebecca's apartment before we see Charity and Luke play at a restaurant.

I couldn't believe I had an entire day with no plans until 7pm. I'm not sure this has ever happened.

I'm getting tired. Discontent. Apathetic. A week and a half ago I got really low. Completely burnt out. Tired of the obligation, the routine, craving something, anything different. I didn't begin to really feel better until I began a 2 hour cleaning mission of Adam's apartment before our V for Vendetta party.

Cleaning is so satisfying. I see immediate effects of my work and know the benefits. It is active, not just sitting in front of a computer like most work these days. It is tangible. I like it. Restoring living spaces.

Restoration. In the land of the living.

"Curry home, dear!"

Favorite new snack at work: a bowl of walnuts & cranberries.

Tonight: fighting urge to go immediately to sleep after work in post-Cornerstone fatigue.

Now am perfecting :my: curry sauce for :my: indian meal. Trader Joe's organic brown rice, TJ's tandori naan, Aldi meatballs, and a sauce of stewed tomatoes, canned mushrooms (a new addition for tonight!), minced garlic, a splash of crushed red pepper, and a dash of curry powder which I just bought at the spice shop at Soulard Farmer's Market. I'm a bit nervous about trying curry powder... I probably stayed on the conservative end of curry usage for fear of burning my tongue off.

I am enjoying the occasional free summer evening to experiment in the kitchen. Very glad I dropped that class.

This past semester was brutal. Emotionally, spiritually, academically, professionally, physically.

Taking six hours of grad school ontop of working full time nearly killed me. I went for weeks at a time without any free time alone. I agonized for over two months wandering through the darkness of severe depression and mental illness with a dear one. I've bumbled through another half year at a "good" job I don't care about. I failed at allowing sufficient time for friendship and family and at being vulnerable enough to allow community or show weakness- until it was absolutely necessary. I gained a pudge around my belly from being unable to find time to swim. I spent a surreal, whirlwind two weeks in Spain studying business in the EU, being away from it all, and wearing myself out.

And I broke up with Dave.

I'm not sure if I still can fully grasp how hard 2009 has been on me already. I'm not sure if I fully understand how tired I am. I'm not sure if I will ever know how acutely this experience has affected me.

Yesterday I spent two hours talking with Adam. ha, when I met him a year ago, I doubt I could have ever imagined the serious, vulnerable conversation we had. I think I cried half the time. It's the first time I've really cried- I hadn't felt a need to yet. I thought I was happily moving on, but my tears reveal the painful places I have gone through to get here. He said he was so sorry that I had to go through this. And I sobbed. So few people know the extent of it. Thank you, Adam. He's good to me. He's going to be a good doctor, I know it.

Since making the decision, I have felt so good. I have felt such a peaceful release that I have felt guilty. I feel happy again! I feel free; the world is mine! I know it was the right decision.

But can't help feeling selfish. It does seem like an extremely selfish decision. But I know I can only be responsible for myself. I know I need someone who is as good for me as I for him. I know it was the right decision for me and that nothing healthy could happen between us the way it was. I exhausted myself. I guess I didn't set good boundaries, but what were my choices?? I had so much faith, hope, and love that it would all work out! So much faith in things yet unseen... and slowly this all dissolved, even as he improved. I don't know what happened to me. I think I just wore out. I had to detach myself to keep from falling apart.

June. I have no class until June 29 (and maybe I'll drop it). I have no community group. I have no recurring commitments for three weeks! (besides... work. womp womp).

I need to rest. I need to be alone. I need to journal my heart and mind out. I need to sit in prayer. I need to take walks. I need to cook quiet dinners in my bright kitchen. I need to inquire of God what He wants of me. I need to listen. I need to explore my strengths and weaknesses. I need to understand why I hide, why it is so damn hard for me to talk about myself. I need to rebuild some friendships. I need to paint a picture of the man I want to marry so I'll know him if I meet him. I need to sit in silence. I need to know myself. I need to ask the "what are You doing??" in the midst of my trials. I need to be able to say no, know my limits. I need to enjoy. I need to teach myself to rest. I just need to be.

My work is now 3.3 miles from my new home. Yay!

My room is slowly coming together. Boxes of books and kitchen supplies are still floating around. This is probably the biggest room I have ever inhabited. My furniture is dwarfed in its bright cheery walls with two sides of windows. The brightness and sunshine feel good.

This morning Dave, Gus, Rocky, and I took a 3.5 round trip walk to Walmart and back. My sedentary lifestyle is showing... I can feel it in my feet, legs, and back. How sad! But we are going to get in shape! I have printed out a "Couch to 5k" running and walking program for us.

My two roommates and I are spending the warm, sunny afternoon tinkering around the house and napping.

Perfect.

Tonight Dave & I are getting dressed up to go out to eat. It's our 6 month-iversary!

I move into a new apartment today!

Can you believe I ended up living at home for a little over a year? Crazy how time passes. Living at home is a good life. Little responsibility, $FREE$, come & go.

Unfortunately even though I live with my family I spend literally NO time with them. I feel bad about this. Somehow my relationships with them have gone down since living with them--and not from arguments or disagreements--simply I all did was sleep there. The problem with living so far away from where I work, church and school is that I leave at 7am and didn't return till 11pm. No familial contact. I hope that in moving out, I can go over on Saturday mornings or an evening for dinner. Call to chat. etc.

I'm looking forward to living centrally to my life to have a base of operations and home to relax, cook, be organized. Living further away has added another pinch of craziness and disorganization and stress.

Still trying to figure out a Sabbath. *shaking head* There is so much I have to do that I already don't have time to do!! Seek ye first... yeah... I hope my new living arrangement can add some more peace, free time, and organization to my life.

I'll keep you posted!

Things I am looking forward to:
* cooking (I've been purusing allrecipes.com, have already made a grocery list, and am looking forward to planning menus for optimal health and budgeting!)
* entertaining
* living in community with some cool girls
*jogging (Dave & I are goign to start a "Couch to 5k" running & walking program next week)
* carving out a little bit of peace and quiet every day - to journal, pray, read the Word
* walking/riding my bike to grocery store, community group, Dave's, work, church
* having my own space to decorate, clean, BE
* getting all of my stuff organized, giving away/freecycling anything I don't use or wear!

I got a vase filled with 6 red roses with baby's breath and ferns springing up around them. My Friday the 13th flowers :) There is one rose that is a good 4 inches taller than the rest. But the incongruity seems fitting.

It has been a difficult month and a half.

But.

God is faithful. Even when we're not. I have watched God provide from his glorious riches and it has reminded me that when we are the weakest, His strength is most apparent. And He can be most glorified. You'd think He like plans it this way...

I am exhausted but hanging on. Only by daily gifts and feeble attempts at prayer have I been able to be sustained. oh, grace. oh, come abide.

I trust. I haven't cried so much... ever. I'm just so tired of fighting. Myself. The darkness. My vain ideas of the way this "should" be.

And yet, this feeling of "the world ought not be like this!" "It's not supposed to be like this! I know it!" I find myself just praying for His Kingdom to come. Today. Through this. I pray for restoration! I pray for ::redemption::! For every tear to be wiped away, for every wrong to be righted.

I don't understand the why. Who benefits from this useless suffering? Can't it be accomplished some other way? Why??

I scream "just fix it! If you can, if you're able, do it! Restore! Give us back what has been taken!" Those philosophical debates on suffering never seemed close to me. Suddenly, life is flipped.

Be not far off.
You are our only sustainer. Our only restorer.
Even when we can't believe it.
Forgive our unbelief.

Sometimes I feel so... restless. Disappointed. Frustrated.

I look at my friends' blogs who are writing for a newspaper in Chile
or teaching English in Korea
and I am so desperate to get away.

The stories, the adventure, the travel, the people, the disappointments, the triumphs, the problem-solving, the language learning, the food...

What am I doing?

I have so many hopes and dreams -- why don't I at least follow one of them???

Sometimes the tightness in my chest is overwhelming. I feel so stiffled. I can't explain it.

I'm about to sign a year's lease. Why does this always happen? Why am I always caught in the middle of mediocre but never happy?

Then sometimes I look at friends' facebooks or blogs who are happily married with adorable children in a cozy home - I want that, too.

But maybe. Not yet? I'm not as young as I used to be. Something has got to change.

My church is doing an intimidating series called "Rhythms: Restoring Everyday Spirituality." I can't tell you how much I love being led by these humble, wise, creative, honest elders.

The most convicting sermon... the Sabbath. Wondering, have I ever taken a sabbath?? :deep breath: I think I find a lot of worth in being busy, having things going on... I never want to feel like I am missing anything. But in doing this, I seem to be missing the point.

What quality of life am I living if I don't have time for reflection, worship, beauty, solitude, prayer, lazy laughter? What about a deep, meaningful life in which I suck the marrow out of each moment- instead of the rush, the obligation, the exhaustion. What is life if not obligation?

I'm still trying to figure out the practical HOW of learning to rest and WHAT exactly a life practicing more rest would look like.

First, I am struggling to expel feelings of guilt. From sitting and pondering a good song, reading a book, tilting back my head to feel the snowflakes, sitting and talking with my parents, writing my thoughts/doodling, having a decent phone conversation--without multi-tasking! Oh the struggle to be fully present in our culture! To pitch a tent in the NOW and HERE (which put together = NOWHERE) (from Brennan Manning's masterful book "Ruthless Trust").

The now and here is the only place we can experience God. "We only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere" John Dalrymple, in this past week's sermon on prayer.

It must start in the here and now.


Listening: Jon Foreman
Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer EPs = some of the best music to get stuck in my heart in a while.

I just need to get into a groove.

Writing observations, thoughts, stories, dreams, goals.

I just need to hit a groove.


listening to: leith & kindsay.
Love those guys. Such harmonies.
Sounds like: a marriage.
Love it.


I bought a 2009 moleskine with a page for each of the 365 days. It is supposed to give me motivation to write daily. I love writing, documenting, expressing... usually lack the time, energy and reflective attitude. It's exciting thinking about what these pages will be filled with in the coming year. oh, the expectation. I hope for more laughter than tears. But as Job says "should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”

blessed be the name. teach me to truly worship.