back in the saddle

Jen & I had a great time in Beantown. I was glad she was with me since Matt had class and worked all day Thursday and most of the day Friday. It was pretty cold--we were always bundled up in heavy coats, gloves, hats, scarves. We took the T (Boston's public transportation system) everywhere.

We did the Freedom Trail (with a stop in the North end near Paul Revere's house in Little Italy. Point of notice: the Freedom Trail seems much better with half a bottle of wine in you...). At the end we took a water ferry instead of walking back across the bridge- so cool! For dinner we met my friend, Joyce, whom I studied abroad with, who now attends grad school at Tufts in Davis Square. We got coffee and then went back to her place for more hang outs.

Friday Jen & I took the Unofficial Hahvahd Tour, which is great. Then we met Matt at Bartley's for the best burgers in Boston. Jen & I played in those beautiful New England leaves in JFK memorial park in front of the Charles River where we even saw a rower in this chilly weather! *picturesque* We took the T to Fenway and walked around it then met Matt in Chinatown. We had some delicious food... including an Indian pancake w/yummy sauce. That night we stopped by Kick Ass Cupcakes, which had just opened. They were fine, but probably not worth $2.75/regular size (aka: tiny)cupcake. Mine was flavored mojito!

Saturday we got a huge breakfast at the Family Restaurant in Matt's closest square, Union Square. Then we began our journey to the JFK museum and presidential library. Well, we took the T and after walking several miles to the end of a bay behind UMass, but still following the signs to the museum, I finally asked a UMass student. She told me to get on the shuttle! That was a long, cold walk, but I'd say it was worth it. I had never been to a presidential library before, but I think I'd like to see more if I'm somewhere near one. For the trip back, we definitely waited for the shuttle, thank goodness.

Sunday we went to a church Matt has been going to a few times. We met a guy who Jen had met at Mizzou, and with whom Matt went to Walden's Pond when their mutual friend was in town a few months ago! Weird! The church was great - I really enjoyed it.

The message was on Ecclesiastes 7, which was fantastic, full of seeming contradiction, yet so full of wisdom. Sorrow is better than laughter... you never reconsider and reassess your life when things are going well. We need those times to force us to reflect and go deeper, to really consider where we are and what we're doing. Like CS Lewis says (paraphrased), "God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts at us through our pain. Pain is God's megaphone for a deaf heart." Empty laughter is meaningless; our conversations need to go deeper and bring up painful things if neccessary. "Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient spirit is better than the proud spirit" & "Say not 'why were the former days not better than these?' ": it is so easy to compare the 'good old days' with now and be depressed or feel like you are not where you are supposed to be. Things change, and though outwardly things may appear worse, these are the times when you are living with depth and working through big things. I think this period of life is called your twenties. Before this, everything was kind of carefree, decided for you. Also, it's easy to be this way about romantic relationships--oh, for those days when we were first together!! But that is infatuation, not love. Love rides out the hard parts and works through the rough edges of the girl and guy. It's a process of sanctification. God is going to bring you to completion! Patience... It's a grueling marathon, but imagine the joy and victory of the finish line. And finally, don't harbor anger. It lodges in your heart. Sometimes you need time to realize the argument wasn't a big deal. But, that is not an excuse to ignore or run from problems.

This passage and sermon spoke to Matt and I at nearly every turn. Sunday night after walking through Boston Public Gardens, looking around cool shops, eating a hotdog and fried dough from a vendor in the park, and then eating a delicious meal at a Peruvian restaurant, Matt & I sat down at a coffee shop in Union Square and delved into many issues. I cried a lot. We affirmed our love for one another, let our emotions, anger, and confusion show, and made a commitment to work. Many of our relational problems are linked to our personal personality traits and sin problems. We can both be so alike, which is not necessarily a good thing. We tend to go passive-aggressive, to be independent and tending to draw into ourselves, to throw things when we get off the phone, to not allow our emotions to show, to not open ourselves up and work through problems... and for what reason??? We have both been deceived into thinking this is easier, but oh, how it grows. And how it weighs! We aren't sure how to "fix" us... but we are praying and seeking God to move in each of us individually which will make needed changes between us relationally. We need to get down to the heart of the matter which can lead back to those awesome lessons on idols at the Journey. I want to have this free, open, vulnerable, say anything, wear myself on my sleeve, I know everything about you and you about me kind of relationship with him. I want us to work. I want us to fall in love again. We are at the end of ourselves, so maybe we will finally give God a chance to work and have His way with us.

Regardless, He is going to work. And so blessed be His name.

"She said, I think I'll go to Boston..."

Jennifer and I are going to Boston next weekend! A little last minute, yes. Jen has next week off of work and wants desperately to get out of here. She said she'd love to explore the city and see Matt... and I said, well, sure!

We're leaving Wednesday night after I get off of work and will fly back early Monday morning so I can work all day and then go to class.

I will have to work my tail off for the next week to get everything done; it's not the best time of the month for me to get away.

On that note, back to work I go!

Welcome Chuck, Welcome all!

Well, I semi-officially took my new blog public. Without much fanfare, I posted it as my website on Facebook and made (probably) a final Xanga entry with the web address posted.

I have enjoyed the anonymity here, but I do want to open it up to more people. Xanga was weirding me out by the number of kind-of-friends that were there and the concept of audience was stifling me. It's still a struggle here, especially as more people read it but I decided I had to make a break from Xanga... I have good memories there and I still go to check my subscriptions -- I enjoy that feature. I am still struggling to find a balance of what's-going-on-type updates vs. what's-going-on-inside-of-me posts. Anyone else with struggles of audience pleasing or advice on blog purpose?

I am trying to figure out "feeds" to keep up with my friends in all of the blog arenas. But I am pretty much only online at work (at home the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer - gag!) and our browsers here don't support feeds. So, I am working to get a comprehensive list under my "links" section to find my friends' updates.

btw, I heart updates! After working intently for several hours, I am thirsty for human contact! An email, a facebook (I'm making that a verb), or a blog update is a joyous occasion! Also, please comment--whether I know you in real life or not. It will make this less of soliloquy and more of a community process/conversation. Not sure-- I'm still not clear on the purpose of this guy...

Inspired by our last weekend together, Lindsay is hopefully going to create a community blog for our spiritual family to keep in touch and share what is happening inside of us, through us, and around us. Despite the distance between us, hopefully we can experience community and share and grow!

~*~*~*~*~*
Um, I'm a little loopy. I just had a feeling that my legs are disconnected from my body. When I got lunch, I thought I may be floating on the stairs. I think this is caused by a combo of a few medicines and my body trying to fight off a cold (my roommate has laryngitis and I'm a bit weary...) I hope this does not affect my performance at work as I handle millions of dollars today... ha! :-/

Hazelhood West

I heard on the radio this morning that tonight's Hazelwood West homecoming bonfire and pep rally have been cancelled due to adminstrative concerns over gang violence. How sad. This is just another reminder of a downward spiral that Hazelwood is in.

This school year has supposedly been an administrative nightmare for everyone involved. Hazelwood opened four new middle schools to ease overcrowding, but no new high school, especially up north with all of the new housing developments. Boundry lines were (seemingly arbitarily) redrawn and kids suddenly were pushed into new schools. Literally one side of my street goes to one elementary school and the other half goes to another. My neighbor, a 5th grader, was assigned to a new elementary school her last year before middle school. The busses STILL are not running on time. Kids are a half hour late to school everyday because they can't get it figured out. They pushed the middle school start time up to 7:15am to try to get high school bus routes back ontime. So 11 year old kids will be waiting for the bus at 6am.... in the dark.

A neighbor kid sat in an AP Chemistry class for three days in August without a teacher. Finally they figured it out: they didn't hire one. Oh, darn it... The kids' schedules were all screwed up--they were missing classes or lunches or one kid had three lunch periods or some peoples' schedules were completely blank!

Plus, the phone systems aren't working in the schools. Earlier in the year, there was a bomb threat so everything was under lockdown, school was released early.... and no parents could call into the school to see if everything was OK. Whoops, we never got those phones hooked up, did we? How important is communication, especially between parents and schools?? I guess not very. Oh, and there are major textbook shortages.

One good thing: there are actually people showing up to the school board meetings. The last meeting ran from 7pm to midnight because there was so much disgust and so many complaints from over 400 teachers, parents, bus drivers, and students. Hopefully this will be the kick to wake up the public to vote out the corrupt-beyond-all-belief-union-controlled school board driving Hazelwood, the 2nd biggest district in St. Louis county, straight into the ground.

My heart is literally heavy to hear about all of waste, corruption, apathy, laziness, lack of organization, etc. so laden in our schools... kids literally don't have a chance. And I am talking about a county school. I haven't even mentioned the St. Louis City school problem (officially unaccredited and taken over by the state this year). I hope that Hazelwood can receive a change of leadership and change of heart and mind to keep us from going down the same path...

Things like this boil my blood... and crush my spirit... like nothing else.

OMG

Shane Claiborne is coming to speak at my church.

Saturday October 13, 2007. 7pm.

Come!!!

la di da

Happy birthday to Matt! He's 24... quite the old man.

Work is exploding again... ay yi yi. I'm already behind for the first day of the month on Monday. I'll just push through and work strong and steady. For 12 hours. Wait. Can't do that. I have class Monday night at 6pm. :-/

I hope my friend, Beth, gets called back for another interview with my company. That'd be so swell!

Friday night I worked till about 7pm and met up with my roommie, Jen, at her high school alma mater's homecoming game. I love fall and football!!! High school - what a strange time and place.

I love Saturdays. I love the freedom of them. They are my day. I don't usually have many, if any, commitments, so as long as I am in town, I have a whole day to CHOOSE! The what, the where, the with whom! And when a Saturday is a gorgeous fall one like today... MMMMM! I eat it up. Savor it. Even doing dishes, taking Darla for a walk, reading for class, running errands...... don't mind it. There is something about have a day to choose. There is freedom.

I think fall may be turning into my favorite. I like to call it autumn. Poetic, you know.

Tonight I went to a women's game night with the Journey ladies. It was great! You know, showing up at a random person's house, playing games, trying to form a small circle of acquaintances in a huge church of faces. My community group starts up next week. Yay! And I'm helping out with that block party next Friday in the city.

Sometimes Matt & I go for a while without communicating. Sometimes logistically we just miss each other for a day or two with schedules and timing and exhaustion. And then sometimes we are on the phone for a while only to hang up frustrated or exasperated. I know he is under stress and transition and dealing with change. I know on the phone I can tend to wander and get so sleepy. The simplest things get so wearing when you're so far apart. Sometimes the distance is more than just 1500 miles- we are so separate. Our lives don't cross naturally day in and day out like "normal" relationships. It's disconcerting. Wanting to know and share everything -- it's overwhelming to rely on a phone call once every night (if we're lucky) to get it all done. Sometimes looking back on old pictures and journal entries, reminiscing, I just miss him. I miss us.

You are a Considerate Leader.

personalDNA.com
. . .
about you

. . .
You are a Leader

• Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.
• You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.
• Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture.
• You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.
• Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.
• Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.
• The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.
• Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.
• You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.
• You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.
• You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
• Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
There's more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things.

You are Considerate

• You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.
• You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
• You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
• Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
• Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
• Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
• You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
• Your close friends know you as a good listener.

If you want to be different:
Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

Osceola/Memphis

After work Friday Charity & I drove about four hours to Osceola, Arkansas. My old buddy from college, Corky, has been working there as a Main Street town planner. I think it sounds really interesting-- planning, organizing, revitalizing, developing a community. Good in theory, I think, but Corky ran into small town politics and all that jazz... blech.

Saturday we drove to Memphis and spent the day walking and touring around. Saw "3:10 to Yuma" - pretty good. The Western is back! We walked Beale Street. We saw the famous ducks at the Peabody and even returned at 5pm to watch them march on the red carpet and up the elevator to their penthouse sweet to retire until the next morning... but there were a few hundred people there before us, so we were not able to actually see the ducks waddle off.

At Corky's bachelor pad (a newly renovated and cozy servant quarter/guest house behind a farm house) we watched a lot of Arrested Development. On our way home Sunday, Charity & I stopped at Lamberts' -- Home of the Throwed Rolls!! I love that place. Glutton's delight :)

I've enjoyed these past two weekends traveling and visiting old friends. Don't worry, Linny, I'm trying to decide on a weekend to hit McDonough Co.!

I found $208 roundtrip tickets to Boston in about a month for a long weekend with Mattie... but I just checked and my midterm is over that time. BOO! We were thinking about catching a bus to New York City for the weekend. Sigh. Maybe I can find cheap tickets for him to fly to Missouri for his Thanksgiving break. Being alone in a big city when all the students fly home isn't ideal.

Dr. Hipps - so hip!

I had my first visit to the girlie doctor yesterday. Yes, that one. My doctor didn't make a big deal that I was 23 and just now having my first checkup. That made me feel better since I had heard on NPR that all women should go annually once they turn 21 and some places online said by age 18 (and of course immediately if you are sexually active). I was also concerned that she wouldn't believe me that I was not sexually active, and more than that, had never had sex... but she took me at my word. Some of my friends felt like their doctors thought they were trying to cover it up. No, it's weird, but true.

At least for me, my experience wasn't bad at all. Supposedly it helps if you wear tampons. It was uncomfortable and, well, weird, but it wasn't painful. But still it's like, your hand is where?!

Plus my doctor was so sweet and nice (and on time!?!?)-- I recommend her to everyone! She explained everything and was so sweet and very supportive. Plus her name is Dr. Hipps -- what a great name for ob-gyn! Like my old dentist's name: Dr. Gentles :-)

I got in there right in time because today my little red friend came to visit.... and I feel horrible. Maybe I should have tried to explain more indepth about how bad my cramps are every month. She suggested calcium suppliments - has anyone else heard that?

What everyone wanted to hear about, I'm sure! Does anyone have any good stories or horror stories of their womanly visits?

girls weekend

Yes, it was a great weekend. I had not hung out with Margaret much, but we just cannot figure out why! She's such an upbeat, talkative, zany person. It was a great group, the four of us. We spent a majority of our time just talking and catching up and one evening we spent hanging onto Alexis' honest words about marriage... the real, honest, painful and yet beautiful parts of marriage we all agreed for some reason aren't discussed. Alexis has vowed that her life is open for the sharing; if anyone wants to know anything about her faith or marriage or anything, albeit personal, she will try as hard as she can to do so- her vulnerability shows such strength.

It was SO good to just talk! We had some of the best conversation. Alexis, Margo & I all said how much this weekend of girl-talk did for us since we don't have much of it usually (Laurie does girltalk for a living as an intern with Cru). It's so uplifting and cleansing to be honest, ask tough questions, share your insides, and integrate God into it for real. I'm not good at opening up, but spurred on by Margaret & Alexis' vulnerability and openness, I felt no pressure and thus shared myself as well. I am always impressed and jealous of some people's ability to share and open themselves up and invite people in.

Things have changed... but indeed somethings stay the same. We are our good old crazy selves, launching into song or dance or quotage or just ridiculous comments.

But other things seem strange, disconcerting. In my mind Alexis hasn't aged; she's still the off-the-wall, crazy, fiery freshman I danced around a dorm room to "76 Trombones" with five years ago. Alexis and Justin own a beautiful, unique house! They put aside money every month for their children's education to pass on the best gift their parents gave to them. The foresight and responsibility used there is just impressive! Justin and Alexis are such opposites, personality-wise. They are such an interesting, strange, amazing balance of passion and practicality, left and right brains, emotional charge and thought-out patience. It really works well. She is maturing and being shaped, as hard and painful as that can be, especially for someone as fiery and passionate as her.

Margaret has been dating Warren for almost a year now, but already have spectacular communication and just seem to mesh. And they know it, too. Alexis eerily prophesied a couple years ago to Margaret: "Margaret, you and Natalie are the same in that you are beautiful and are a little different and the boys here in Missouri just don't get your kinds. You are both beautiful and intelligent and strong women, but I know you guys are going to end up with someone outside of Missouri after college. You all are going to just have to wait to meet the right one." We both ended up finding guys at Mizzou but they are a different kind and are both on the East coast now. As Margaret said, that Alexis is a sage beyond her years.

Also, I tended to lust after Alexis' job. She works in nonprofit for Nazarene Compassion Ministries International doing PR and media/advertising and communications for this humanitarian organization. Friday she leaves for a week in Africa covering the AIDS/HIV relief the organization is doing there. Sigh! Wowzers! Sigh...

Kansas City

This afternoon I will be driving to Columbia, picking up two lovely ladies by the names of Laurie & Margaret, and then will head a couple more hours west to Oleathe, KS. My old college roommate, Alexis, and her husband, Justin, just bought a beautiful house. Justin is going to Chicago tomorrow for the Chiefs - Bears football game (that sounds so awesome!) so it is officially a GIRLS WEEKEND!

Alexis & I, random roommates freshmen year, were perfect. Personality-wise we were different, but we were absolutely ridiculously crazy together. Random was our middle name. I don't know how many bizarre inside jokes we have. We even started a book to keep track of things we did/things that happened to us: "Alexis & Natalie's Book of Randomness." We found Laurie and were the three muskateers in college... us going to Eva J's for dinner every night in the dorms, us vs. the other roommates at the TGS house, making horrible creations at craft nights, us and our crazy sorority.

Well, then I went to Chile and when I came back Alexis & Justin were inseparable. Laurie & I became pretty inseparable. And now we're all separated.

I miss my girls. Nothing will be the same again. We've grown apart, chosen different paths, don't always understand each other.... but I can assure you that sometime this weekend we will get a short feeling of "man, some things never change."

A new school year

Fine! Adoring public... here I am!

First, I am really looking forward to the coziness of fall. There's something in the air... the crisp air is getting me excited. Not sure why. Usually fall makes me sad because warmness is leaving.

I have continued attending the Journey. Some weeks I will go and not see anyone, some weeks I am overwhelmed by the amount of people, mostly if not all from Mizzou, that I see and want to reconnect with. But every week I learn and worship and gather some strength and perspective to keep going. It's a beautiful church. Supposedly our pastor and Donald Miller are BFFs.

"Love God. Connect People. Transform the World." We're taking St. Louis first!

I'm getting my first chances to get involved. Like a lot of things, everything kind of starts again in fall. I emailed a random guy and will be helping & cleaning up a block party October 5th in downtown STL near Forest Park to meet and reach a new neighborhood. I just signed up yesterday for a small group which will meet Thursdays at 7pm in UCity (where I would love to move after this lease is up). I'm so pumped to know a core group of people and discuss and challenge each other about the sermons. With a church this big, the leaders emphasize small groups as how you will connect and build your family in Christ. I hope I find some wonderful, godly, fun people -- I'm pumped to widen my circle. It's so freaking hard to meet people in "the real world."

I went to an info meeting for St. Louis Young Life... that's a big commitment. You're going after, hunting down, and befriending disinterested high schoolers. I like Young Life in that it's not just another youth group or clique for already churched-to-death teens. The only schools that they're at are in the wealthiest high schools in St. Louis county... I wondered how this happened. I had never even heard of YL until I went to college. They are beginning at one "urban" (that's what they call it!) high school this fall. It'd be good experience, a taste of what I'd be getting into with Teach for America. I wish the the eight weeks of info meetings were at a better time --I'm out of town and will have to miss at least 2/8 of the info meetings, plus I would have to skip Iglesia for the rest... sheesh...

Jen and I want to volunteer at a foster home where we would hang out with a room of foster care girls once a week, help with homework, provide some guidance and fun... While reading the Bible with God's command to especially take care of the orphan and the widow, I realized I didn't think I knew an orphan and went in search. Hopefully the lady will call me back soon...

I'm trying to think and pray this through. I don't want to overcommit but it's so hard when I'm like "so much to do! so much needs to be done!" Doing lots excites me. I feel best when I'm busy and on the go!

After I had started my job, I realized how on-the-go I had been for eight years. Literally like commitments all day, living by my planner to tell me where I was going....ALL through high school and college. Post-college I realized how much I had been doing and wondered if I was fulfilled... after being out of it for so long, I know I do need to make room for more rest than I was aloting myself in the old days, but I think I have come to the conclusion that it's how I'm wired.

Also.... grad school starts next week! Mondays 6-9pm this semester. Gotta love those 14-hour days. This semester: Equity Markets. I will have to actively "manage" a $500,00 portfolio. It's going to be challenging but interesting, I think.


Usually I have time at work to update everyday. I think I will try to. This one got a little out of control.

Leaving Microsoft to Change the World

I just got an email that "A Thousand Splendid Suns" is now available for me at the library! Woo! I have heard some people say that this one is better than "The Kite Runner" but I can't imagine how that could be.

I am reading "Leaving Microsoft to Change the World: an Entrepreneur's Odyssey to Educate the World's Children". It is very inspiring. A guy left a high-status, glamorous, expatriate lifestyle as an executive in Microsoft to work full-time bringing schools and libraries and books to developing countries. !!!!!!!

He used the same reasoning that I roll around in my head... sure, there would be a hole for a few months and I'd let down my team and bosses and my friends and family wouldn't understand but I would be replaced in a few months and forgotten. People will always line up to do my job. Not everyone will line up to do this*. What is the point of having an education and so many privileges if you keep them to yourself to become fatter and richer and smarter? How distressingly selfish. Can you imagine being so thirsty to learn and read as those in the stories he shares? The developing world values such crazy things that we over here in the west have forgotten still have innumerable worth. How can everything, everything be taken for granted as the US has learned so well?

*what my this is, I am still trying to figure out....

Quick Update

I just got an email that "A Thousand Splendid Suns" is now available for me at the library! Woo! I have heard some people say that this one is better than "The Kite Runner" but I can't imagine how that could be.

I am reading "Leaving Microsoft to Change the World: an Entrepreneur's Odyssey to Educate the World's Children". It is very inspiring. A guy left a high-status, glamorous, expatriate lifestyle as an executive in Microsoft to work full-time bringing schools and libraries and books to developing countries. !!!!!!!

He used the same reasoning that I roll around in my head... sure, there would be a hole for a few months and I'd let down my team and bosses and my friends and family wouldn't understand but I would be replaced in a few months and forgotten. People will always line up to do my job. Not everyone will line up to do this*. What is the point of having an education and so many privileges if you keep them to yourself to become fatter and richer and smarter? How distressingly selfish. Can you imagine being so thirsty to learn and read as those in the stories he shares? The developing world values such crazy things that we over here in the west have forgotten still have innumberable worth. How can everything, everything be taken for granted as the US has learned so well?

*what my this is, I am still trying to figure out....




//I decided to integrate my two blogs but I can't copy over the comments//


2 comments:
lindsay corinn said...
love it! more! dream God's dreams!

September 13, 2007 8:22 PM
T. Brandon Lane said...
When are you going to tell us about more books!?

December 3, 2007 11:44 AM

The Kite Runner

I heard about the author, Khaled Hosseini, on NPR when he read an excerpt from his new book, "A Thousand Splendid Suns". I was intrigued. I love stories that weave history into them so I learn about a culture and the events and politics of another place and time. I am still #356 on a waiting list through the St. Louis Library for "A Thousand Splendid Suns" but "The Kite Runner" came in within a few weeks of requesting it.

I picked it up and couldn't put it down. It was story-telling at its best. This is a first-person narrative of a privileged Afghan boy named Amir growing up right before the overthrow of the monarchy in Afghanistan and the years of devestation that followed... and continue to follow to this day. His best friend is actually his servant, Hassan, a Hazara, which is a discriminated, mainly Shia, ethnic minority in Afghanistan.

The book is beautifully written. It's very real and powerful. It's one of those that even when you're not reading it, you're thinking about the characters, replaying the events, and wondering what will happen next. As I said, it's very real. It's not an easy story... it's very harsh and gripping. Tears came to my eyes several times. I think because one is able to identify with the weaknesses and struggles of the character of Amir wishing that he would choose differently but relating to his struggles with the power of our own weaknesses. And one can only wish to posess the loyalty and unconditional nature of Hassan. Not everything wraps up nicely. But it is a story of redemption. And I believe that is what makes it beautiful.

Matt just told me that they are making a movie based on the book. That's great... but I am a little worried. I hope they don't cheese it up. I hope people will still read this powerful book. But since it seems movies are a huge conduit to give people get a good dose of history or a concept of social issues, I hope it will get the word out of things that have happened and that are continuing to happen in our rosy world. But before I turn this into a post about the non-existence of any semblence of important or ongoing education in this country or the tiny world view of Americans (which I of course am also guilty of), I will say goodbye! And read this book if you have a chance! :)


////////////////////////////////////////////
1 comments:
lindsay corinn said...
i am definitely going to read that book sometime. thanks for the review. xo

September 13, 2007 8:21 PM

The Kite Runner

I heard about the author, Khaled Hosseini, on NPR when he read an excerpt from his new book, "A Thousand Splendid Suns". I was intrigued. I love stories that weave history into them so I learn about a culture and the events and politics of another place and time. I am still #356 on a waiting list through the St. Louis Library for "A Thousand Splendid Suns" but "The Kite Runner" came in within a few weeks of requesting it.

I picked it up and couldn't put it down. It was story-telling at its best. This is a first-person narrative of a privileged Afghan boy named Amir growing up right before the overthrow of the monarchy in Afghanistan and the years of devastation that followed... and continue to follow to this day. His best friend is actually his servant, Hassan, a Hazara, which is a discriminated, mainly Shia, ethnic minority in Afghanistan.

The book is beautifully written. It's very real and powerful. It's one of those that even when you're not reading it, you're thinking about the characters, replaying the events, and wondering what will happen next. As I said, it's very real. It's not an easy story... it's very harsh and gripping. Tears came to my eyes several times. I think because one is able to identify with the weaknesses and struggles of the character of Amir wishing that he would choose differently but relating to his struggles with the power of our own weaknesses. And one can only wish to posess the loyalty and unconditional nature of Hassan. Not everything wraps up nicely. But it is a story of redemption. And I believe that is what makes it beautiful.

Matt just told me that they are making a movie based on the book. That's great... but I am a little worried. I hope they don't cheese it up. I hope people will still read this powerful book. But since it seems movies are a huge conduit to give people get a good dose of history or a concept of social issues, I hope it will get the word out of things that have happened and that are continuing to happen in our rosy world. But before I turn this into a post about the non-existence of any semblance of important or ongoing education in this country or the tiny world view of Americans (which I of course am also guilty of), I will say goodbye! And read this book if you have a chance! :)

Stormy Craziness

We had a HUGE storm last night go over St. Louis. The thunder was deafening. I woke up, laid listening to the booming thunder, blinking at the lightning blinding me every couple seconds. All of a sudden I sat upright in a panic -- I think I left the windows down on my car!!!

By the sound of the downpour, I didn't think it would make any difference to close them now. The storm was passing on to scare children in another suburb now. After pondering a few more minutes I got up, put on some flipflops and went outside -- WOW, 10 minutes after the fierce of the storm was gone, it was still raining torrents! I ran out to my car, felt the window -- completely sealed up. I laughed about how crazy I looked, running in the middle of the night thru a dangerous storm to touch my car and run back into my apartment.

Ah, school days! I am so envious. I am still getting invited to beginning of the school year parties at Mizzou- gosh, I miss it. Why does life post-college suck so bad???

I saw a little girl with a shiny backpack being fussed over by a doting mother, camera in hand in my apartment complex this morning when I left for work. I think it was her first day of school! I was staring, reminscing and she saw and looked back. I waved warmly at her like a crazy old lady. I would switch you in a heartbeat, second grader!

oh sweet vacation

I am going to Boston August 17 -27th. YAY!

After this 50+ hour work week I need it.

Ugggg I think I am developing stress headaches.

For now, oh sweet weekend.... come! Leave all this behind....

Dinner

Joel finishes his internship and moves back to Columbia this week, so he finally came over to make Jen & I the feast he has been promising all summer. Honey mustard chicken, asparagus with a honey mustard glaze, delicious corn with onions for flavor, and dinner rolls... and he even brought some Fitz's root beer! He is single, ladies!

I volunteered to make the dessert and slaved away on a carrot cake from scratch including the frosting! It was a lot of work (especially shredding the carrots -- note of advice, don't use baby carrots...) but it was good. I want to do a little tweaking to the frosting recipe...more cream cheese, me thinks.

I enjoy cooking. I didn't grow up doing it. I just wish I had a little more free time. Usually after a 9-10 hour day the last thing I feel like doing is preparing a nice meal. But it's strangely relaxing, too...

Chicago!

Charity & I drove up to Chicago this past weekend. Ah, how I love that city!

Have you ever crashed a bridal shower? Well, Friday night Charity & I did. Bah! Linny asked if we'd pick her up from the suburb of Bolingbrook where she was at Sharon's shower. I hadn't seen Sharon since we were in Linny & Keith's wedding together 3 years ago. And she's marrying a groomsman from their wedding - how perfect! I love bridal showers...the silly games and gifts and food and girl chatter and jokes and sexy presents ;) but I still felt awkward not being invited and all... I joke, it wasn't bad and I was glad to see Sharon & wish her & Andrew well.

We drove into the city around 10pm, up Lake Shore Drive for a sweet view of Chicago at night. Meredith & Nate welcomed us into their cute little apartment with open arms. We watched "Flight of the Conchord." BAH! Oh so ridiculous.

Saturday probably walked 20 miles. I don't really know - I'm bad at estimating. But we were exhausted and sore. We took the El to visit Mere at her boutique! And then down to the Loop where Linny showed us Elite, her modeling agency, and the Rock'n'Roll McDonalds. Lunch was at Geno's, yummy Chicago Deep Dish. Then we hit the Magnificent Mile!!! Walked all up and down and to Millenium Park to look at "the bean". We headed to State Street and each of us bought something at the three-story Forever 21. I <3 deals. We grabbed sandwiches and met Meredith & Ashley in the pavilion in Millenium Park to listen to the works of Leonard Bernstein.

It turned out to be a fantastic girls night... music in the park followed by a ridiculous romp trying to get to Navy Pier. Meredith, I'll leave that story for you to tell! We tried to visit a model friend at a ritzy seafood restaurant and Ashley peeled an older woman off the sidewalk who tripped and nursed her back to health. We found legitimate bathrooms at Navy Pier and bought some yummy nuts to watch the fireworks.

Sunday we went to Mere & Nate's church in the suburbs where they lead worship & help with the youth. After a silly lunch with Mr. Onion Roll Man, Charity & I said our goodbyes and trekked to IKEA! I LOVE IKEA! Unfortunately the closest one to me is this one that was 5 hours away. Oh well. I got a muffin tin, magazine holder, dish scrubbie, and canvas bag so now I can be like those environmentalist ladies who bring their own bag to the grocery store! Love it!

Thanks for guiding us around! And thank you for your loving hospitality!! I thank God for this family of believers. Our apartment is open in St. Louis anytime...!

Wedding Weekend

I got to spend the weekend with my sweetheart! He flew in a week ago and spent the day with my mom - yay! We went to a cute outdoor restaurant in old town Florissant for dinner. I took the day off Friday and we went to Grant's Farm and picked up his tux before the rehearsal and dinner. The groomsmen got beersteins with their name and "groomsman" engraved on the mug- they were a hit and used the rest of the weekend. The girls, in addition to jewelry, got cute white jackets with their name and "bridesmaid" embroidered in bright pink- what a cute idea! (mental note taken)

That night we hung out with the wedding party, set up the reception hall, and went to a tiny country bar (we were in the middle of nowhere, MO... Catawissa was the name of the village) for drinks, jukebox singing, and pool. I drove 45 min. home at that point but the guys went to a random lady's pond and stripped down to their boxers for a 2am swim. Matt had such a great time with his old friends... they are a crazy but great group. And Josh & Jenny were so grateful that Matt flew in for the weekend to stand up with them. I am, too!

It was a small wedding- less than 100 people. Josh & Jenny had two receptions because Jenny's family is strict Baptist (no drinking or dancing!) so the first reception was in the church basement with cake and appetizers (what happened to those simple receptions in the church basement right after the ceremony?? There is something lacking from these production-based ceremonies and receptions...) The groomsmen did quite a number on Josh's car. Besides the usual cans trailing behind and writing on the windows, they dumped two trashbags full of packing peanuts in Josh's tiny car. Josh thought it was great... before he saw the peanuts... They took beautiful pictures at the lake behind Jenny's parents' house (see facebook!) and then onto the next reception! Dinner & dancing. And boy, the wedding party and I danced until they shut it down on us. :-)

Matt & I said our goodbyes to the party. The next morning we went to the Journey, which I hope will be my new church, and Iglesia. We ate kabobs with my parents and watched "Wedding Crashers" (how appropriate!) That night we stopped by Creve Coeure Lake so he can picture me there when I tell him I'm there journaling or walking. We shared a tub of Ben & Jerry's. The next morning we got up EARLY so he was at the airport by 5:30. And it was over.

Sigh. He's back to German, I'm back to work. I hope to visit for a week or ten days in September maybe. (the maid of honor was from Boston and said I had to come for apple picking!--it's the only "country" thing she does and it's great! Needless to say, she was a bit in shock of small town midwest culture for a few days :)

Mattie and I are both praying that we will seek God, that He will make things clear to us, and that we will enjoy the ride and purpose of this season. I'm trying to work on communication and being vulnerable. Pray for us, too, please. I need more of God fo sho.

blast from the past

So I was googling the name "nataliemma," which is my common logon in the online world, and discovered an old website that I had made maybe my sophomore year of college. It's mostly of pictures and cheesy captions. And what is up with that introduction paragraph- what a weirdo! Man, I am cool. I will post this for posterity. Am I earning more nerd points by the minute?? :-/

http://nataliemma.tripod.com

Linds, do you remember our gurlpages???

Heck yes, Harry Potter!

I know a lot of people think that Harry Potter is lame (muggles!!) and some think it even evil... but I have to admit that I think the entire series and magical world are wonderful, enchanting and so creative.

Alas, Joel convinced me to see the 12:05AM showing last night, so I guess that gives me a few nerd points. I only got about four hours of sleep before starting a new workday. But I mean, I've got to have my priorities.

I want to cover myself and just put this out there to save my cool blogger reputation: I am not obsessed. I didn't even think to dress up like a wizard or witch or bring a drumstick as a wand to the theater last night (I wish I would have...) I have not ordered the final book coming out later this month. I don't own any of the books or movies (I mooch the books off of my neighbors' kids). I have only read each book and seen each movie once and am still not clear on the characters, twisting plots, and misc. magical intricacies. I would like to read them again; they are extremely well-written, fast-paced, awesome... but I don't know if I'll ever get the time for that. And if I do begin to reread them, I will pretty much have to forfeit my life until I finish because I simply cannot put them down. Some people (i.e. Matt) disagree.

The newest movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is the best movie yet. The last book is coming out this month--oh, they grow up so fast!! *sentimental*

The Journey

I checked out a new church downtown on Sunday morning. It's called The Journey. I l o v e d i t.

I still don't know what came over me to try it. I woke up, it popped into my mind, I assumed I would contentedly sit alone and see what all the fuss is about. Plus, it is a couple blocks from La Iglesia which I help with on Sundays; I could do both.

I get out of my car, take a few steps and hear "Natalie???" It is Gwen, from the dorms freshman year who I haven't seen since. We chat for a bit when a car pulls up and someone yells, "Natalie, what are you doing here?!?" Emma from Cru at Mizzou!

(side note: as we are chatting, suddenly my head is yanked backwards -- my hair has been snarled in a tree. And I couldn't just tug it free - it was snarled... why do the most awkward things happen to me??? I feel like, was it Absolom, who had that beautiful hair and when he was riding into battle got it snarled in a tree and the enemy found him hanging and killed him? ok, weird.)

Inside there is stinking Ryan Krull from Mizzou! Cory Miller, who is in med school at SLU, runs up to us! So much for being alone. Already that is more people than I know at my parents' church that I've been going to for almost a year.

The worship music is simple and beautiful- a guitar and a djimbe (and an egg shaker!) You can actually hear the congregation singing-- I love that! You know how you can never hear anyone singing over the band? yeah, I'm tired of that.

The building is a beautiful old catholic church right across from Tower Grove Park in south city on Kingshighway, which they bought and remodeled when they needed more room (they've grown from 30 people in 2002 to over 1300 members now). Simple, beautiful, with pews and stained glass (I miss the stained glass in all those 'modern' churchees).

The pastor is young. The congregation is mostly young. It is packed. Casual. Modern. Good sermon on the holy spirit as they prepare to discuss spiritual gifts through July. They are into community, worship, beauty, service, ministry. It's beautiful. They have community groups doing BBQs this summer until Bible study restart in the fall.

It's pretty much what I have wanted to find in a church. And I just "accidently" stumbled upon it. Sometimes in the churches that I agree with the most, the members are so sheltered and conservative that I feel like I would never actually see them in real life, in the real world, impacting a real community. And then on the other side, some churches I feel are just empty. But the people here are real (and young!); I felt like I automatically belonged. Then I saw more people I knew in the service video... what the heck, this is St. stinking Louis, a city... how did I recognize so many people in a random place??

I don't know why it hit me so strong... maybe that I've been wandering, not feeling spiritually filled, lacking community, missing singing my heart out, rough days, finally journaling and talking through things with God just earlier that morning... but it just hit me right. Maybe I'll find out I was swept away in emotion and it's not so perfect (gasp!), but Sunday I felt good. It lifted me. And I am still excited a few days later! I felt maybe if God had led me there I wasn't wandering so alone and maybe He still had some things for me. I haven't felt that in a while.

I wish I could go back soon, but this week is Cornerstone, the next week Iglesia is doing all the services at our sponsor church... but the next week Matt will be here!!!!! and he is excited to check it out after he heard my enthusiasm.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him for the journey.

Sometimes at work, I die of boredom.

I end up doing very weird things like jumping jacks in the bathroom stalls or creating facebook profiles for inflatable friends (add Sharkie McSharkerson as your friend!) or trying to hold in my laughter until I sound like a dying horse when I look at old pictures (especially of dear Corky Keating). Or I go into ultra-organizing-my-life-and-others' mode where I used to search for apartments in Boston for Matt creating intricate excel spreadsheets of characteristics and plotting them on maps to know how close they would be to the T or bus stop. Or creating budgeting plans for myself and my roommate complete with pie charts and year-to-date totals. Or I begin planning my life years in advance... I make memos to myself of what annoys me about weddings that I definitely do NOT want to be in mine, list characteristics of houses I like, fill out a mortgage calculator to find out what kind of house I can afford, list reminders of things I want my future family to do/be like, compile ways to organize your home office, or helpful hints in planning a dinner or cocktail party. I investigate toxic shock syndrome and nuclear energy on wikipedia, have fallen in love with thenest.com, read nearly every article on organization on Real Simple magazine's website, and shopped for multiple friends' weddings thanks to theknot.com. I won't even mention my intense facebook stalking... I'm creepy.

Maybe it's time to ask my boss for more work.

But it's just a cycle. A monthly cycle. Because then some weeks I work 12 hour days and occassionally forget to eat or go home. Ahhhh!!!!!!

So.... what can you do? What's up? I just want to help people, but other than trying to give my money away, I'm not exactly on the most efficient track for doing that. Besides, it's too easy and detached to throw money at things-- I desperately want to fix the system. Anywho, I know that people need their company's retirement pension accounts managed, and I'm good at my job (clearly too efficient)... I ponder the meaning of work, the meaning of life, what difference I could make, the many pitfalls of capitalism (and then ponder the irony that my job depends on that shady system). Once again, I look like a quintessential young professional grad student on the outside, but I can't just turn off my concious, sense of responsibility as a global neighbor & sister in Christ... I don't want to be just another ignorant American producer and consumer in the system.

I took a quiz via facebook today that said I tied between being an engineering and art major. What?! I am intensely left and right brained, easy-going yet a detailed perfectionist, creative and bohemian yet systematic and thought-out, love pondering the ideal world of the big and small picture... blah, so? So? So what good are these gifts??? How can I change the world with this? Meh!!!! ::frustration::

Woohoo! Collateral summary is ready! That will provide me with about 5 minutes of work... maybe I will encounter a problem and it will take me a whole 30 minutes to solve it! Oooooh!

Projects

Today, second business day of the month, was rough. I probably should have gone in early, but I ended up working about 11 hours anyway. I didn't stop to eat breakfast and barely took a break to run and get some food before planting myself in front of my computer again. I hate it when I feel incompetent, when I don't know how to do something, or when I do something wrong. Immediately I think "I hate my job!!!!" but then at the end of the day I had conquered an imposing mountain of a to-do list, sent out my last report around 6:30 and felt good, accomplished, proud of myself. I can handle it.

I'm trying to get back into praying... most of my spiritually disciplines have been sucky mc suckerson. Ok, all of my spiritual disciplines. :(

Anywho, I came home and heated up the last of the pancakes I had made for Matt & I yesterday for breakfast. I listened to Watermark: A Grateful People. This CD is AMAZING. I just love it. I usually listen to it while cooking or cleaning in the evenings and I feel it's kind of my album as an independent, working young adult. I read a chapter of "The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide."

Then I went for a walk. I try to take a different route every day, even if it's just cutting between a different apartment building or taking a different path around that complex's pool. Today I cut back by the trees up along a ridge behind all the apartments in our area. I saw an overflowing dumpster on the horizon. As I neared, I saw it was overflowing mostly with furniture and branches. My eye wandered to some patio furniture sticking up on the top of the pile. Hmmm.......

I pulled a chair out and sat down. Comfy. Better than the rickety, gross chairs we had on our porch as a present from our previous occupants. The chair was a little dirty with some mold & mildew stains. I poked with my finger nail and it came off -- oh, I was sold. All I needed was a little soap and water. I struggled to get another chair out of the heap and sat it down. The last one in the dumpster had some of the pieces across the back broken, so I was glad to find a nice pair. I heaved one over my head and took the hilly way home, giggling with joy at my find. I took another route back, anxious if someone else had taken advantage of my pulling the chair out of the dump. I peaked around the corner and oh no! A guy was watching his dog sniff in the field and sauntered over to my chair and sat down looking content. Oh no you don't!! I mumbled. I continued on my usual path, wondering if he was going to keep it for himself.

I took the short path back anxious to know the fate of my second chair... would I be stuck with a lone seat? I wanted a pair!! I turned the corner, climbed the hill, searching the horizon.....where was it!? Wait! Someone had moved it to the far side of the dumpster, hiding it from plain view. Oh no you don't! I glanced around, hoisted it over my shoulder, and carried it home, wondering if someone was going to be disappointed I had found their hiding space.

I was excited and decided to put my enthusiasm to cleaning my chairs. I filled a bucket with a water and baking soda. I sprayed them down and scrubbed away, listening to my neighbors in the building over chattering away in happy Spanish. The brownish mildew gunk disappeared and I felt proud admiring my find and my elbow grease.

I like projects like this. When I say I wish I didn't have to work, it's not to watch TV or sleep all day.... it's to do projects, improve my cooking, write letters, take classes, visit farmers' markets, and volunteer wherever I can be of assistance. Ah well... maybe someday I'll be independently wealthy. Or well-married. ha, whatev. Until then.... it's long, hard days with some happy, little projects in the evenings.

babies everywhere!

My old youth leader, Elizabeth "Liz", and her husband and two young boys moved back to St. Louis in the last month. My family had them over for dinner last night. It was so good to see her and her ultra-peppy, talkative, always so fun with great stories self! I miss her. I'm so glad for all of the memories and talks I have had with her. I can't believe she's the mother of two wild boys and drives a mini-van! She can't believe Joel & I have grown up. It's weird disconnecting from people-- as she says, people don't age in your memories-- it's a time warp to reunite.

Her boys were so cute! I got to hold and play the littlest one most of the night -- he was a big ole boy! One of the fattest babies I've ever seen! And Liz is SO tiny!

It was so cute to watch my parents play with them, too. My mom whisked the older one off to the trampoline and jumped with him. And my dad was absolutely adorable with the baby, just talking and holding and playing with him.

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd hung out with a baby. I seriously cannot remember....years?? That makes me sad. I've never had a lot of babies around with my cousins far away or older. They're so fun and quirky and loveable, even when fussy.

That's all. Just wanted to say babies are neat! I want one! (I told Matt that in a voicemail last night and he said he was so shocked he began talking back to my message. heh heh just like keeping him on his toes...!)

without words

What if you don't know what to say anymore? Someone's intermittent sadness and negativity and self-deprecation is so depressing. You finally get it out of her what she's upset about... and you have nothing to say. Anything sounds trite, she's heard it all before....

*Being in a relationship won't change your life, attitude, or happiness.

*You're beautiful and loved.

*You're doing so well being strong... Don't renew your friendship with him although I know you're lonely and it's easy and comfortable to you. You've got to heal, get to know yourself, and fight those weaknesses that got you into that drawn-out situation in the first place. I'm sorry it's so hard.

*Stop feeding your emotions and negativity! Take every thought captive to the lordship of Jesus Christ....

She knows these things... but they're not truth in her life, they haven't sunk in. It doesn't make sense to me, but for some reason through nurture and/or nature I sometimes feel like the lone girl with this weird easy-going, "oh well, let's move on to something we can control" practicality. I wish I could relate better. I know it's hard for her, I know she's trying... sometimes her emotions just get the best of her.

If I tell her that someone thinking you're special won't really change your life or outlook or happiness, it just sounds like something someone already in a relationship would say.

So I wander away lamely. Blah...

skipping

Today I left work at 2:30pm. It was so freeing! I just never see daylight on a weekday unless it's before 8am or after 5pm. There's something depressing for me knowing exactly where I will be from 8-5 every single Monday through Friday for...ever. Sometimes I feel so confined I just want to burst. I feel so bored out of my gourd I just want shriek. Throw my rolly chair out the window and fly away :) ...that's a little extreme.

Although my roommie, Jen, a nurse working three 12-hour nights a week, hates her unreliable, opposite-of-the-world schedule, I envy her. She can set herself up to be off for a week at a time- without taking any vacation! I can't even grasp that. She can volunteer during the days, grocery shop when it's not packed, and leave town without being stuck in rush hour. Not to mention never wake up before 10am.

Oh, and the reason I had to leave early today: a dentist appointment. Pretty wild and free, I know. :-D

Long-distance

I came into work early this morning so I can leave early and hopefully beat a little of the rush hour out of the city. I'm excited to get to Columbia tonight and spend the evening with Mattie. I saw him last weekend for about the hour I sat next to him at Chili's with all the family and friends after the graduation ceremony. We probably average seeing each other every 2-3 weeks or so. I hope he'll spend a week here in St. Louis before he leaves for Boston. My parents offered to pay him to paint the barn and how great would an entire week together be? We haven't been together more than three days in a row since I left Columbia last July. This distance for ten months has already made us cherish our time together. I guess it has been good practice for him moving to Boston so soon.

Still, a two hour drive a few weekends a month is quite a difference from a plane ride a few times a year. It's a different mindset. We won't be able to randomly get weekends for football games or family things or parties or weddings. It's not "I'll have to see if I can get Matt to drive over for this" but thinking more in terms of going places alone or with my friends in St. Louis. Like, I was going to see if I could save my awesome 7th row free tickets for the Cards game until the Cards play the Royals in late June... but then found out that Matt may have already moved. So I took Jen a couple weekends ago - it was a wonderful time! But it's hard to think about someone you want to spend all of your time with playing an even smaller role in your day-to-day life.

One of his friends handed him a graduation present when he sat down in church last weekend -- a book: "How to Survive Long Distance Relationships". Nathan's long distance relationship hadn't quite worked out, so he thought he may as well pass the book along to Matt. Ha! Comforting... ;-)

Anyway, I don't have any real fears or worries. This isn't something I would worry about -- in a negative way. I am thinking about it to prepare myself for the pending differences and plan ways to keep close despite not seeing each other often. We already watched a TV show "together" (we watched an episode of Lost online while on the phone one night!), but we can also cook a meal together on the phone (an improvised date night?), I can send him CDs or pictures or care packages or collages or art work made from the goodies he gave me for Christmas. Just cute ideas that show I'm thinking of him, ways to improvise being together though a couple thousand miles apart.

And I have sixteen vacation days, eleven that I have to use by the end of the year. I'm excited to see Boston, maybe Cape Cod, New York City... I haven't been out there since I was little. That's fun.

I'm jealous Matt gets to move to a cool new city. I like change, new things and planning. I've spent hours looking over apartment listings for him, purusing the cheapest airfare, and figuring out the bus and subway system.

And I can't reiterate how proud and excited I am for him. His trip to visit Boston to attend the Harvard Divinity School welcome days were just so great for him-- he absolutely loved it. Some of his fears and uncertainties were lessened and he felt more comfortable, capable, and so ready to jump into the exciting program -- it wasn't as snooty, formal, and intimidating as he had feared. It's just so perfect for him. We're so blessed! Harvard! Bah!!

so blogspot, eh?

I found during my daily wandering around facebook today, that my dear cousin and long-time friend, Lindsay, has a blogspot. I was wondering what happened to her in xanga-land, but was happy to be able to catch up on a bit of her life. For instance, she and her husband may be moving to New York City. What?!?!!? I was thrilled! But why are my closest people suddenly migrating East? Bizarre occurances. Anyway, Lindz, jump at the opportunity! That rocks. I still have trouble grasping how big of a modeling sensation you are. My lil' farm girl :)

I haven't been good at writing regularly at xanga. I feel like my entries there are more... entertainment, fun stories, randomness. I like to keep up with my many friends' lives, but not necessarily share and bore people to death. Maybe I'll type out some of my feelings here.

I've been reading an amazing book. It's called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. I love his writing style, life stories, and such a fresh look at life in Christ -- away from Christian society's lame confining control. We, American Christianity, have been so decieved. We have bought into disgusting lies about consumerism, power, affluence, and close mindedness. Some people of my friends have teasingly called me liberal, activist, etc. but I just want to get back to the core of Jesus. Talk about a liberal activist. But then I laugh at the seeming contradictions in my life. Liberal hippies don't work at investment firms. Oh well, everything is askew with stereotypes.

So when I say I'm trying to figure everything out... I literally am. When I say I don't have a clue where I'm supposed to be, what I should be doing... I don't. When I am confused by who I am, my passions and dreams and talents, what I want to spend my life doing, I am not exagerating my confused state. I somehow seem to have not really looked closely at the path I was heading down. And now, suddenly the insanity of movement, doing, involvement, running and reacting that has characterized my spastic, crazy (don't get me wrong - fun & happy, too!) life the last 6 years has died down. I sit bored, getting the life sucked out of me at my job wondering, how did I get here? Who would want to do this? What happened? Who am I?

Most of my hand written journal entries lately have been mostly questions, I think? :) And I'm not saying I think it's wrong to have an office job managing retirement pension plans for millions of people. No... and I'm not saying that I'm incredibly unhappy and depressed. I still enjoy life. haha! I'm just thinking and reflecting, on the path to eventually draw some conclusions. Getting more post-modern. Like, I shouldn't complain -- how many billions of people would love to have a job pushing papers in freaking America getting paid a living wage. I'm not saying my life is bad. It's just, maybe I could get a job to serve others to improve their living conditions. I just feel too comfortable. And arguably, I don't think that's a good place to be in as a Christian. It's become acceptable to be a comfortable, selfish Christian -- I don't want that fate for me. I want to be the change I want to see in the world!

Time for lunch. Crepes today :)