Sometimes I feel so... restless. Disappointed. Frustrated.
I look at my friends' blogs who are writing for a newspaper in Chile
or teaching English in Korea
and I am so desperate to get away.
The stories, the adventure, the travel, the people, the disappointments, the triumphs, the problem-solving, the language learning, the food...
What am I doing?
I have so many hopes and dreams -- why don't I at least follow one of them???
Sometimes the tightness in my chest is overwhelming. I feel so stiffled. I can't explain it.
I'm about to sign a year's lease. Why does this always happen? Why am I always caught in the middle of mediocre but never happy?
Then sometimes I look at friends' facebooks or blogs who are happily married with adorable children in a cozy home - I want that, too.
But maybe. Not yet? I'm not as young as I used to be. Something has got to change.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
My church is doing an intimidating series called "Rhythms: Restoring Everyday Spirituality." I can't tell you how much I love being led by these humble, wise, creative, honest elders.
The most convicting sermon... the Sabbath. Wondering, have I ever taken a sabbath?? :deep breath: I think I find a lot of worth in being busy, having things going on... I never want to feel like I am missing anything. But in doing this, I seem to be missing the point.
What quality of life am I living if I don't have time for reflection, worship, beauty, solitude, prayer, lazy laughter? What about a deep, meaningful life in which I suck the marrow out of each moment- instead of the rush, the obligation, the exhaustion. What is life if not obligation?
I'm still trying to figure out the practical HOW of learning to rest and WHAT exactly a life practicing more rest would look like.
First, I am struggling to expel feelings of guilt. From sitting and pondering a good song, reading a book, tilting back my head to feel the snowflakes, sitting and talking with my parents, writing my thoughts/doodling, having a decent phone conversation--without multi-tasking! Oh the struggle to be fully present in our culture! To pitch a tent in the NOW and HERE (which put together = NOWHERE) (from Brennan Manning's masterful book "Ruthless Trust").
The now and here is the only place we can experience God. "We only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere" John Dalrymple, in this past week's sermon on prayer.
It must start in the here and now.
Listening: Jon Foreman
Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer EPs = some of the best music to get stuck in my heart in a while.
The most convicting sermon... the Sabbath. Wondering, have I ever taken a sabbath?? :deep breath: I think I find a lot of worth in being busy, having things going on... I never want to feel like I am missing anything. But in doing this, I seem to be missing the point.
What quality of life am I living if I don't have time for reflection, worship, beauty, solitude, prayer, lazy laughter? What about a deep, meaningful life in which I suck the marrow out of each moment- instead of the rush, the obligation, the exhaustion. What is life if not obligation?
I'm still trying to figure out the practical HOW of learning to rest and WHAT exactly a life practicing more rest would look like.
First, I am struggling to expel feelings of guilt. From sitting and pondering a good song, reading a book, tilting back my head to feel the snowflakes, sitting and talking with my parents, writing my thoughts/doodling, having a decent phone conversation--without multi-tasking! Oh the struggle to be fully present in our culture! To pitch a tent in the NOW and HERE (which put together = NOWHERE) (from Brennan Manning's masterful book "Ruthless Trust").
The now and here is the only place we can experience God. "We only learn to pray all the time everywhere after we have resolutely set about praying some of the time somewhere" John Dalrymple, in this past week's sermon on prayer.
It must start in the here and now.
Listening: Jon Foreman
Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer EPs = some of the best music to get stuck in my heart in a while.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I just need to get into a groove.
Writing observations, thoughts, stories, dreams, goals.
I just need to hit a groove.
listening to: leith & kindsay.
Love those guys. Such harmonies.
Sounds like: a marriage.
Love it.
I bought a 2009 moleskine with a page for each of the 365 days. It is supposed to give me motivation to write daily. I love writing, documenting, expressing... usually lack the time, energy and reflective attitude. It's exciting thinking about what these pages will be filled with in the coming year. oh, the expectation. I hope for more laughter than tears. But as Job says "should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”
blessed be the name. teach me to truly worship.
Writing observations, thoughts, stories, dreams, goals.
I just need to hit a groove.
listening to: leith & kindsay.
Love those guys. Such harmonies.
Sounds like: a marriage.
Love it.
I bought a 2009 moleskine with a page for each of the 365 days. It is supposed to give me motivation to write daily. I love writing, documenting, expressing... usually lack the time, energy and reflective attitude. It's exciting thinking about what these pages will be filled with in the coming year. oh, the expectation. I hope for more laughter than tears. But as Job says "should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”
blessed be the name. teach me to truly worship.
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