The Journey

I checked out a new church downtown on Sunday morning. It's called The Journey. I l o v e d i t.

I still don't know what came over me to try it. I woke up, it popped into my mind, I assumed I would contentedly sit alone and see what all the fuss is about. Plus, it is a couple blocks from La Iglesia which I help with on Sundays; I could do both.

I get out of my car, take a few steps and hear "Natalie???" It is Gwen, from the dorms freshman year who I haven't seen since. We chat for a bit when a car pulls up and someone yells, "Natalie, what are you doing here?!?" Emma from Cru at Mizzou!

(side note: as we are chatting, suddenly my head is yanked backwards -- my hair has been snarled in a tree. And I couldn't just tug it free - it was snarled... why do the most awkward things happen to me??? I feel like, was it Absolom, who had that beautiful hair and when he was riding into battle got it snarled in a tree and the enemy found him hanging and killed him? ok, weird.)

Inside there is stinking Ryan Krull from Mizzou! Cory Miller, who is in med school at SLU, runs up to us! So much for being alone. Already that is more people than I know at my parents' church that I've been going to for almost a year.

The worship music is simple and beautiful- a guitar and a djimbe (and an egg shaker!) You can actually hear the congregation singing-- I love that! You know how you can never hear anyone singing over the band? yeah, I'm tired of that.

The building is a beautiful old catholic church right across from Tower Grove Park in south city on Kingshighway, which they bought and remodeled when they needed more room (they've grown from 30 people in 2002 to over 1300 members now). Simple, beautiful, with pews and stained glass (I miss the stained glass in all those 'modern' churchees).

The pastor is young. The congregation is mostly young. It is packed. Casual. Modern. Good sermon on the holy spirit as they prepare to discuss spiritual gifts through July. They are into community, worship, beauty, service, ministry. It's beautiful. They have community groups doing BBQs this summer until Bible study restart in the fall.

It's pretty much what I have wanted to find in a church. And I just "accidently" stumbled upon it. Sometimes in the churches that I agree with the most, the members are so sheltered and conservative that I feel like I would never actually see them in real life, in the real world, impacting a real community. And then on the other side, some churches I feel are just empty. But the people here are real (and young!); I felt like I automatically belonged. Then I saw more people I knew in the service video... what the heck, this is St. stinking Louis, a city... how did I recognize so many people in a random place??

I don't know why it hit me so strong... maybe that I've been wandering, not feeling spiritually filled, lacking community, missing singing my heart out, rough days, finally journaling and talking through things with God just earlier that morning... but it just hit me right. Maybe I'll find out I was swept away in emotion and it's not so perfect (gasp!), but Sunday I felt good. It lifted me. And I am still excited a few days later! I felt maybe if God had led me there I wasn't wandering so alone and maybe He still had some things for me. I haven't felt that in a while.

I wish I could go back soon, but this week is Cornerstone, the next week Iglesia is doing all the services at our sponsor church... but the next week Matt will be here!!!!! and he is excited to check it out after he heard my enthusiasm.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him for the journey.

Sometimes at work, I die of boredom.

I end up doing very weird things like jumping jacks in the bathroom stalls or creating facebook profiles for inflatable friends (add Sharkie McSharkerson as your friend!) or trying to hold in my laughter until I sound like a dying horse when I look at old pictures (especially of dear Corky Keating). Or I go into ultra-organizing-my-life-and-others' mode where I used to search for apartments in Boston for Matt creating intricate excel spreadsheets of characteristics and plotting them on maps to know how close they would be to the T or bus stop. Or creating budgeting plans for myself and my roommate complete with pie charts and year-to-date totals. Or I begin planning my life years in advance... I make memos to myself of what annoys me about weddings that I definitely do NOT want to be in mine, list characteristics of houses I like, fill out a mortgage calculator to find out what kind of house I can afford, list reminders of things I want my future family to do/be like, compile ways to organize your home office, or helpful hints in planning a dinner or cocktail party. I investigate toxic shock syndrome and nuclear energy on wikipedia, have fallen in love with thenest.com, read nearly every article on organization on Real Simple magazine's website, and shopped for multiple friends' weddings thanks to theknot.com. I won't even mention my intense facebook stalking... I'm creepy.

Maybe it's time to ask my boss for more work.

But it's just a cycle. A monthly cycle. Because then some weeks I work 12 hour days and occassionally forget to eat or go home. Ahhhh!!!!!!

So.... what can you do? What's up? I just want to help people, but other than trying to give my money away, I'm not exactly on the most efficient track for doing that. Besides, it's too easy and detached to throw money at things-- I desperately want to fix the system. Anywho, I know that people need their company's retirement pension accounts managed, and I'm good at my job (clearly too efficient)... I ponder the meaning of work, the meaning of life, what difference I could make, the many pitfalls of capitalism (and then ponder the irony that my job depends on that shady system). Once again, I look like a quintessential young professional grad student on the outside, but I can't just turn off my concious, sense of responsibility as a global neighbor & sister in Christ... I don't want to be just another ignorant American producer and consumer in the system.

I took a quiz via facebook today that said I tied between being an engineering and art major. What?! I am intensely left and right brained, easy-going yet a detailed perfectionist, creative and bohemian yet systematic and thought-out, love pondering the ideal world of the big and small picture... blah, so? So? So what good are these gifts??? How can I change the world with this? Meh!!!! ::frustration::

Woohoo! Collateral summary is ready! That will provide me with about 5 minutes of work... maybe I will encounter a problem and it will take me a whole 30 minutes to solve it! Oooooh!

Projects

Today, second business day of the month, was rough. I probably should have gone in early, but I ended up working about 11 hours anyway. I didn't stop to eat breakfast and barely took a break to run and get some food before planting myself in front of my computer again. I hate it when I feel incompetent, when I don't know how to do something, or when I do something wrong. Immediately I think "I hate my job!!!!" but then at the end of the day I had conquered an imposing mountain of a to-do list, sent out my last report around 6:30 and felt good, accomplished, proud of myself. I can handle it.

I'm trying to get back into praying... most of my spiritually disciplines have been sucky mc suckerson. Ok, all of my spiritual disciplines. :(

Anywho, I came home and heated up the last of the pancakes I had made for Matt & I yesterday for breakfast. I listened to Watermark: A Grateful People. This CD is AMAZING. I just love it. I usually listen to it while cooking or cleaning in the evenings and I feel it's kind of my album as an independent, working young adult. I read a chapter of "The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide."

Then I went for a walk. I try to take a different route every day, even if it's just cutting between a different apartment building or taking a different path around that complex's pool. Today I cut back by the trees up along a ridge behind all the apartments in our area. I saw an overflowing dumpster on the horizon. As I neared, I saw it was overflowing mostly with furniture and branches. My eye wandered to some patio furniture sticking up on the top of the pile. Hmmm.......

I pulled a chair out and sat down. Comfy. Better than the rickety, gross chairs we had on our porch as a present from our previous occupants. The chair was a little dirty with some mold & mildew stains. I poked with my finger nail and it came off -- oh, I was sold. All I needed was a little soap and water. I struggled to get another chair out of the heap and sat it down. The last one in the dumpster had some of the pieces across the back broken, so I was glad to find a nice pair. I heaved one over my head and took the hilly way home, giggling with joy at my find. I took another route back, anxious if someone else had taken advantage of my pulling the chair out of the dump. I peaked around the corner and oh no! A guy was watching his dog sniff in the field and sauntered over to my chair and sat down looking content. Oh no you don't!! I mumbled. I continued on my usual path, wondering if he was going to keep it for himself.

I took the short path back anxious to know the fate of my second chair... would I be stuck with a lone seat? I wanted a pair!! I turned the corner, climbed the hill, searching the horizon.....where was it!? Wait! Someone had moved it to the far side of the dumpster, hiding it from plain view. Oh no you don't! I glanced around, hoisted it over my shoulder, and carried it home, wondering if someone was going to be disappointed I had found their hiding space.

I was excited and decided to put my enthusiasm to cleaning my chairs. I filled a bucket with a water and baking soda. I sprayed them down and scrubbed away, listening to my neighbors in the building over chattering away in happy Spanish. The brownish mildew gunk disappeared and I felt proud admiring my find and my elbow grease.

I like projects like this. When I say I wish I didn't have to work, it's not to watch TV or sleep all day.... it's to do projects, improve my cooking, write letters, take classes, visit farmers' markets, and volunteer wherever I can be of assistance. Ah well... maybe someday I'll be independently wealthy. Or well-married. ha, whatev. Until then.... it's long, hard days with some happy, little projects in the evenings.