This past semester was brutal. Emotionally, spiritually, academically, professionally, physically.

Taking six hours of grad school ontop of working full time nearly killed me. I went for weeks at a time without any free time alone. I agonized for over two months wandering through the darkness of severe depression and mental illness with a dear one. I've bumbled through another half year at a "good" job I don't care about. I failed at allowing sufficient time for friendship and family and at being vulnerable enough to allow community or show weakness- until it was absolutely necessary. I gained a pudge around my belly from being unable to find time to swim. I spent a surreal, whirlwind two weeks in Spain studying business in the EU, being away from it all, and wearing myself out.

And I broke up with Dave.

I'm not sure if I still can fully grasp how hard 2009 has been on me already. I'm not sure if I fully understand how tired I am. I'm not sure if I will ever know how acutely this experience has affected me.

Yesterday I spent two hours talking with Adam. ha, when I met him a year ago, I doubt I could have ever imagined the serious, vulnerable conversation we had. I think I cried half the time. It's the first time I've really cried- I hadn't felt a need to yet. I thought I was happily moving on, but my tears reveal the painful places I have gone through to get here. He said he was so sorry that I had to go through this. And I sobbed. So few people know the extent of it. Thank you, Adam. He's good to me. He's going to be a good doctor, I know it.

Since making the decision, I have felt so good. I have felt such a peaceful release that I have felt guilty. I feel happy again! I feel free; the world is mine! I know it was the right decision.

But can't help feeling selfish. It does seem like an extremely selfish decision. But I know I can only be responsible for myself. I know I need someone who is as good for me as I for him. I know it was the right decision for me and that nothing healthy could happen between us the way it was. I exhausted myself. I guess I didn't set good boundaries, but what were my choices?? I had so much faith, hope, and love that it would all work out! So much faith in things yet unseen... and slowly this all dissolved, even as he improved. I don't know what happened to me. I think I just wore out. I had to detach myself to keep from falling apart.

June. I have no class until June 29 (and maybe I'll drop it). I have no community group. I have no recurring commitments for three weeks! (besides... work. womp womp).

I need to rest. I need to be alone. I need to journal my heart and mind out. I need to sit in prayer. I need to take walks. I need to cook quiet dinners in my bright kitchen. I need to inquire of God what He wants of me. I need to listen. I need to explore my strengths and weaknesses. I need to understand why I hide, why it is so damn hard for me to talk about myself. I need to rebuild some friendships. I need to paint a picture of the man I want to marry so I'll know him if I meet him. I need to sit in silence. I need to know myself. I need to ask the "what are You doing??" in the midst of my trials. I need to be able to say no, know my limits. I need to enjoy. I need to teach myself to rest. I just need to be.