This past semester was brutal. Emotionally, spiritually, academically, professionally, physically.

Taking six hours of grad school ontop of working full time nearly killed me. I went for weeks at a time without any free time alone. I agonized for over two months wandering through the darkness of severe depression and mental illness with a dear one. I've bumbled through another half year at a "good" job I don't care about. I failed at allowing sufficient time for friendship and family and at being vulnerable enough to allow community or show weakness- until it was absolutely necessary. I gained a pudge around my belly from being unable to find time to swim. I spent a surreal, whirlwind two weeks in Spain studying business in the EU, being away from it all, and wearing myself out.

And I broke up with Dave.

I'm not sure if I still can fully grasp how hard 2009 has been on me already. I'm not sure if I fully understand how tired I am. I'm not sure if I will ever know how acutely this experience has affected me.

Yesterday I spent two hours talking with Adam. ha, when I met him a year ago, I doubt I could have ever imagined the serious, vulnerable conversation we had. I think I cried half the time. It's the first time I've really cried- I hadn't felt a need to yet. I thought I was happily moving on, but my tears reveal the painful places I have gone through to get here. He said he was so sorry that I had to go through this. And I sobbed. So few people know the extent of it. Thank you, Adam. He's good to me. He's going to be a good doctor, I know it.

Since making the decision, I have felt so good. I have felt such a peaceful release that I have felt guilty. I feel happy again! I feel free; the world is mine! I know it was the right decision.

But can't help feeling selfish. It does seem like an extremely selfish decision. But I know I can only be responsible for myself. I know I need someone who is as good for me as I for him. I know it was the right decision for me and that nothing healthy could happen between us the way it was. I exhausted myself. I guess I didn't set good boundaries, but what were my choices?? I had so much faith, hope, and love that it would all work out! So much faith in things yet unseen... and slowly this all dissolved, even as he improved. I don't know what happened to me. I think I just wore out. I had to detach myself to keep from falling apart.

June. I have no class until June 29 (and maybe I'll drop it). I have no community group. I have no recurring commitments for three weeks! (besides... work. womp womp).

I need to rest. I need to be alone. I need to journal my heart and mind out. I need to sit in prayer. I need to take walks. I need to cook quiet dinners in my bright kitchen. I need to inquire of God what He wants of me. I need to listen. I need to explore my strengths and weaknesses. I need to understand why I hide, why it is so damn hard for me to talk about myself. I need to rebuild some friendships. I need to paint a picture of the man I want to marry so I'll know him if I meet him. I need to sit in silence. I need to know myself. I need to ask the "what are You doing??" in the midst of my trials. I need to be able to say no, know my limits. I need to enjoy. I need to teach myself to rest. I just need to be.

la di da

Happy birthday to Matt! He's 24... quite the old man.

Work is exploding again... ay yi yi. I'm already behind for the first day of the month on Monday. I'll just push through and work strong and steady. For 12 hours. Wait. Can't do that. I have class Monday night at 6pm. :-/

I hope my friend, Beth, gets called back for another interview with my company. That'd be so swell!

Friday night I worked till about 7pm and met up with my roommie, Jen, at her high school alma mater's homecoming game. I love fall and football!!! High school - what a strange time and place.

I love Saturdays. I love the freedom of them. They are my day. I don't usually have many, if any, commitments, so as long as I am in town, I have a whole day to CHOOSE! The what, the where, the with whom! And when a Saturday is a gorgeous fall one like today... MMMMM! I eat it up. Savor it. Even doing dishes, taking Darla for a walk, reading for class, running errands...... don't mind it. There is something about have a day to choose. There is freedom.

I think fall may be turning into my favorite. I like to call it autumn. Poetic, you know.

Tonight I went to a women's game night with the Journey ladies. It was great! You know, showing up at a random person's house, playing games, trying to form a small circle of acquaintances in a huge church of faces. My community group starts up next week. Yay! And I'm helping out with that block party next Friday in the city.

Sometimes Matt & I go for a while without communicating. Sometimes logistically we just miss each other for a day or two with schedules and timing and exhaustion. And then sometimes we are on the phone for a while only to hang up frustrated or exasperated. I know he is under stress and transition and dealing with change. I know on the phone I can tend to wander and get so sleepy. The simplest things get so wearing when you're so far apart. Sometimes the distance is more than just 1500 miles- we are so separate. Our lives don't cross naturally day in and day out like "normal" relationships. It's disconcerting. Wanting to know and share everything -- it's overwhelming to rely on a phone call once every night (if we're lucky) to get it all done. Sometimes looking back on old pictures and journal entries, reminiscing, I just miss him. I miss us.

skipping

Today I left work at 2:30pm. It was so freeing! I just never see daylight on a weekday unless it's before 8am or after 5pm. There's something depressing for me knowing exactly where I will be from 8-5 every single Monday through Friday for...ever. Sometimes I feel so confined I just want to burst. I feel so bored out of my gourd I just want shriek. Throw my rolly chair out the window and fly away :) ...that's a little extreme.

Although my roommie, Jen, a nurse working three 12-hour nights a week, hates her unreliable, opposite-of-the-world schedule, I envy her. She can set herself up to be off for a week at a time- without taking any vacation! I can't even grasp that. She can volunteer during the days, grocery shop when it's not packed, and leave town without being stuck in rush hour. Not to mention never wake up before 10am.

Oh, and the reason I had to leave early today: a dentist appointment. Pretty wild and free, I know. :-D